Slowing the Pace 

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In the past week or so I have been thinking a lot. I’m told that my brain is fluffy since we arrived. I do feel a bit more fluffy since I have arrived, less stressed about most things and I have caught up on my sleep at last. It is good for the soul being here. I am probably letting things wash over me where previously I might have worried about them. I don’t know if it is a good or bad thing I have only been worried about him. Lately he has been doing the worrying about everything else which is really bad for him. He is getting about 4 hours sleep a night and his health and brain is suffering doing himself physical damage because he is run down. But he is like a man possessed trying to get things done, as though his time is running out. I hope it is not.

We do not have an endless time here and will have to go back South for many reasons but he does not have to do it all now. There is time and there is no schedule up here. The summer is coming, we will make preparations for our next visit before we leave.

I have been in a fuzz on the full blood pressure tablets lately but really struggled with breathlessness when I have cut back to half, despite becoming fitter due to the hill walking. So although there has been less of the usual stress clearly my body is still letting me know it still needs that different pace and medication is slowing it for me.

I am two cups of coffee into the day before I can function but am sleeping so much. Knowing that Endometriosis can wipe out your energy reserves at the drop of a hat. I am still in pain but trying to work through it on most days, not overdoing anything just trying to do something constructive each day. It doesn’t help that our time clocks are way out of sync. We are getting to bed as it gets light whilst he drops off to sleep on the chair after dinner. I have trouble waking him up to get him to bed and by the time we get there we are hearing the dawn chorus. So half the day is gone by the time I rise. He leaves me to sleep and then resents the time it takes for me to get off the ground.

We are trying to raise funds here by selling off some of our excess items but there are not that many up here since the break in and the hardships that followed. We will do the best that we can in order to stay here as long as possible. We do not wish to return to our lives down South at the moment, they have caused so much misery and heartache in the past 12 months that I would rather have hunger and a very basic life here feeling safe and healthier than I have been in months.

I was walking the dog at 3am this morning. It was a beautiful full moon last night and the Farm track was lit up, bathed in its light with twinkling lights along the coast. It was almost silent, but for the small animals in the hedgerows.  During that short walk, everything seemed totally right with the world. I felt true happiness in an instant. I could have happily walked across the hills for miles. No one around, alone with the dog and my thoughts. Silent from argument and cross words caused by pain and stress, the worries washed away in the moonlight. I loved the outlines of the tress around in the woods that surround us here. The bull in the field that we visit every day, slightly surprised to see us and snoring gently by his barn.

We were totally at peace there in the moment. Whilst I walked along hoping and praying for a small miracle to enable us to stay here and calm our souls some more. It struck me that here in the darkness, I felt totally safe as though it was the most normal thing in the world to wander the hills in the dark at that hour. It was truly invigorating. I noticed that for the first time in months, I do not feel depressed. For someone who has battled with this depression for a few years now, it seems as though being up here has lifted a huge weight from my mind for as long as I am here.  It makes me wonder if a more permanent move would be better for us all instead of the back and forth.

When the weather is warm and we have just enough to get by, then we are extremely happy up here. A little left over would be a godsend. I worry about lack of contingency funds. Since the truck has played both of us up in the past week and we are several miles from shops for supplies.

As he heads off out today, the truck has struggled again to start. There is muck in the fuel lines we think from when it ran out of fuel and it is causing us real problems. The tank is full and there is fuel cleaner in there but it is still threatening to conk out at any moment which is an extra concern we really don’t need. A return from the mechanic and it seems that it might be something more an auto electrical problem, here’s hoping they can get it fixed.

Overload

via Daily Prompt: Nervous

It sometimes feels as though too much.
Indescribable feeling, not unreal as such.

Fatigued, exhausted from it all.

Setting myself up for a fall?

I try to sleep, but sleep won’t come.

Nowhere from it that I can run.

I worry it will swallow me whole 

Falling down this great big hole.

I feel the senses overload,

As I travel on this road.

Sometimes uncontrollable quakes,

After which my body aches.

Often feel as though bound and chained.

When I have felt my energy drained.

All the senses heightened here,

Shaking, sweating cloaked in fear.

Sounds so loud, then they are gone.

But they tell me nothing’s wrong.

Suddenly I’m temporarily deaf, 

Frightening leaving me bereft.

I asked them the problem to address, 

But they say it’s caused by stress.

I tried the calm. To meditate.

Can’t force the quiet, myself I berate.

My voice has changed, I cannot shout.

When I try to let it all out.

Swollen throat I almost choke, 

Sending the message my body has broke?

My mind and body feel detached,

Suddenly, became ill matched.

At this time I feel bereaved.

For what’s been lost, I am aggrieved.

I rest a while and floating free,

Willing just to return to me.

The blood is pounding around my head, 

Surging, thoughts fill me with dread.

With gritted teeth and clenched jaw,

My muscles aching and so sore.

Is this real pain or anxiety

there’s changes needed to just be. 

Cannot just stay powerless,

Wanting to relieve the stress. 

A deeper meaning I search to find,

Whilst hoping it’s not just in my mind.

The Frustration in Fighting for Peace and Justice.

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Try as I may, I am bundled up with frustration at the situation which we currently face.
Following on from the incidents of this week, as mentioned in my previous post The art of holding it together…. Or keeping calm in a crisis.(which is a bit of a long read)

I have been told that the man who tried to come and kill me has been released, whilst I was being told this, he arrived back to his own home opposite mine, at about 11pm shouting that he was back. I told this to the Police officer who was informing me, she sighed and said, “so he is already kicking off then.”

It is the sort of response that I would expect from a friend of family member, but again it seems the police are actually powerless to deal with this. They know exactly what they are dealing with here and yet they had to let him go on bail, because he said that he didn’t do it! As my friend put it quite succinctly, did they expect him to say, “Yes Officer, I am a complete arse, I cannot live or function in Society”

I found out yesterday, that he told the officer who questioned him that he had never spoken to me before, which was a complete lie but thus admitting in theory at least that he did on this occasion. They said that there was not enough evidence. I am pretty sure that in the three hours it took the police to actually find him and arrest him, he was able to return the knife he was carrying back into the kitchen drawer, only to remove it and come back over the road carrying it a further twice, but there was plenty of time.
They released him on bail, but did not apply any bail conditions, like staying away from me or my partner. I questioned this, since I had been told that he had been told not to come near or speak to either of us. The police officer said that he would have been told that, but it was not an actual condition of his bail. My question, “So there’s nothing to actually stop him doing that then” “No,” he replied.

The officer came to gather more information for the Crown Prosecution Service, who are now trying to build a case against him. The two witness statements given and a verbal statement to another officer were simply not enough for them. I offered two letters from a former neighbour which mention that he was taken into custody some time ago by riot squad for using knives, and had returned to his old ways he told me that they were not useful to this investigation. I was confused as they showed a previous history of violent behaviour involving knives from a further independent witness. I also mentioned the neighbour who confirmed for the policemen who attended that he had been throwing knives about whilst she had a conversation with us and shouting abuse at us, just after he attempted to run my partner down, just 2 weeks earlier.

The police officer forgot something when he left and returned moments later to collect it to find this man standing at our front gate, yelling abuse at my partner. Clearly the neighbour did not expect him to return. He searched him and cautioned him again and sent him back to his house telling him to stay on his side of the street and not come near this property. The ranting went on for a large part of the afternoon. I stayed indoors.

Yesterday early evening he was in his front garden, yelling across the street again and mimicking my partner walking about. Then standing in front of the house menacingly. He certainly had some acting skills, that man and seems to love a camera, he was acting up for it. He was also wearing a white chefs jacket in his new cunning disguise. Pieces of a puzzle, why would he have chefs whites you may ask, well if he was out of his garden with another kitchen knife, someone might mistake him for a chef.

Thankfully since he seems to have the thought pattern of a 17 year old and you can watch the cogs whirring, we are able to see things coming to a certain extent, but basically think of a set of circumstances put together with childlike thought and remain one step ahead at all times.

I again notified the council of this incident who I would have hoped had not got their hands firmly in their pockets on this occasion. However it seems that the fence they are sitting on is so far up their backsides that you cannot even see it. A local councillor who had previously promised to deal with the matter as mediator and to lend it some weight when this first began some seven weeks ago, has done nothing not been to see other victims and now feels he’d like to go and visit the man himself for a chat, telling me that there is compassionate feeling for his circumstances. In seven weeks, no-one has visited him yet and there is clearly absolutely no compassion for mine, or the other neighbours whom he has terrorised during this time or beforehand Well, I hope that the dear councillor takes a stab vest with him and I am sure that the neighbour will have his carer present, or perhaps the barrister that his mother provided to remove him from custody the other day. Most certainly he will play his part of meek and mild to the hilt, he will probably take his medication that day, wear smart clothes and wait until the councillor leaves the house and then he will go back to being the monster he has become. I only hope that they are not fooled for a minute, but fear that they will be completely taken in by the charade.

For him it is a fine game, which can be played day in, day out, night and day endlessly for as long as it takes by someone with far to much time on their hands. Meanwhile we cannot continue with our lives or get anything done. No preparation for a trip we were due to take in July and have yet to, since our days are taken up with dealing with the circumstances of his play, or the fallout from it. Does it all boil down to politics at the end of the day, since he is Special Needs. The response which I received from the councillor certainly led me to believe that.

The frustration I feel right now is so intense that I am wound like a clock. Suffering with Hypertension, you tend to know when you are about to become ill and I am about one step away. I am not sleeping properly, I am jumpy and cannot relax, my chest is fluttering and pounding and my heart rate is ten beats more than usual. I know this since the Dr asked me to check it before I left the surgery the other day. She is concerned and has prescribed me medication for acute anxiety. Although I would love the release of forgetting about what has happened and being able to relax. I cannot afford to let my guard down outside of the home. I am on higher alert than I was three days ago, when he was away. I am looking over my shoulder as I walk accompanied down the road. I would rather not leave the house at all, I only feel safe out in the car, to a certain level.

My home here is no longer a place of safety where I can sleep, relax and enjoy being. I crave the sanctuary of the Hill, somewhere I can take us both off to recharge our batteries and forget about the Trauma caused by this  Summer’s events. Or at least can gather my own thoughts into some semblance of order once again, without the domination of this person. I have the getaways so badly that I can taste it, but am powerless to get there. I have the offer to stay with friends, but a night away, would bring fear of what may have happened by my return, so I have declined thus far.

The other day, I was feeling an inner strength which I know is still deep down. I am digging deeply for it at the moment, trying to be strong and remembering that I have a voice and to make it heard. Surely one man cannot chase off a whole bunch of neighbours, well he has managed to terrorise them for months now. I do want to move, but I don’t want to be seen off and leave the other people around here to try and deal with it. They haven’t been able to before, if I have become a kind of ambassador for the local neighbours, then that may not be such a bad thing. To have someone fighting their corner for a change. We all want to be safe in our homes.

A couple of weeks ago, I repainted a bench in our garden.  It is there as a reminder, during the times when it feels so dark. It also sends a message to the whole neighbourhood. #LoveisStrongerthanHate Although I am finding it hard to love this particular neighbour after what he has inflicted upon us as a family, which is pain so deep and personal in a barrage of unprovoked attacks, by sharing some love amongst the rest of the community, we will become stronger.

I thought about asking my current landlords about moving me to another property as they did when I moved in here following a burglary carried out by my next door neighbour. But since this man’s mother has friends in high places who are giving her information, I know that I would not be safe there either, if he was not held in a secure unit he would come and find me, since he is not giving up. Also, I have asked myself the question who would want to move in here, I would have a duty to them to tell them that there was an issue with one or two of the neighbours, so who in their right mind would want to move to a place like this at the moment? Part of me would see this as defeat if I moved. Meanwhile, the torrent of foul abuse is launched upon me whenever I step out of the front door.

I don’t have the answer, I am begging them for something to be done. For this horror story to finish so that we can all get on with our lives, but at the moment I am stuck in limbo. I am unable to proceed and certainly not wanting to retreat. If I can hold my ground, I am in with a chance of survival.

The Daily Post – Recharge

O Grande Amor, the song of stress.

Stan Getz

I simply cannot explain it.  It’s bizarre but I had to listen to this fantastic album again yesterday to find out that this is the name of the song which I have noticed that I hum to myself in times of stress.  I had mistakenly thought it was another on the album, which I catch myself humming when things are getting all too much.  It starts off as an unconscious thing, but then I realise and it is like an old friend, immediately calming.

I first recall the regularity of humming it whilst walking through the corridors of the cardiac unit with my father, when he returned to see the consultant after having a heart bypass. But it has been with me far longer than that, occasionally I attempt to sing parts of it too.  I have owned the album for many years, since 1998 when I began to buy CD’s more often than cassette tapes. I have also found that after arguments it also mysteriously appears.

I have no idea as to the why?  I am unable to shed any light upon why of all the music I have heard over the years and grown up with, this is the one which returns and why there is one at all. Perhaps there is some deep seated reason I have yet to find out, but  I do love the song and I know that I love listening to Jazz music.

Stan Getz & Joao Gilberto – O Grande Amor

Colouring for Relaxation.

Colouring is wonderfully relaxing. It was suggested as a calming thing to me last year, when I was extremely stressed and when I was bemoaning the fact that my creativity had been zapped and I so desperately wanted it back. The lady with whom I was speaking, told me that by colouring, she was able to be creative without having to draw.  So, I bought an adult colouring book.  I bought one for her too, as she must be running out of space in hers. Since my own drawings take a similar form and are usually in black and white, I craved the different shapes. I coloured in the first page, it was a release from the stress, I put the book away. It is there when I need it.

It’s strange that I have gone for the muted tones of pencil, when I craved something so bright. But here’s some I’ve done.

Thanks to @firespiritblog for the reminder.

Firespirit’s image.

Attempt to color my time…. PS: I am not good in editing pics :p I recently read articles and face book posts suggesting that doing coloring can do stress relief and relax our mind. May be the fondness for colors made me pick colors.I got color pencils, oil paints, sketch pens, gel pens etc during […]

via stress buster attempts… — firespiritblog

Intentions – Things I want to do this year

On the 28th of February I wrote out my list of Intentions, So of my list of 100 things I wish to achieve this year, Here’s a list of my “Yays”! so far…

And, Yes I actually have a column marked Yay on the list, for when I’ve done it.

Set up an Etsy shop to sell Vintage clothes – Now I have to sort the clothes
Write a Blog – So far so good, I started it the day I wrote my list..
Write more Poetry – Loving this bit!
Stress Less – The Blood Pressure has gone back down.
Organise my Partner’s paperwork – I do love a bit of Admin
Start to Feel Good about myself again – Little steps
Practice Gratitude – Every Day Essential

My list is continuing to grow as I do, along with new goal setting along the way. I am also leaving the old ones in there too so who knows how many there will be on it by the end of the year and how far I will have come. I only had 10 months, but four months into the year, I’m still confident I am going to achieve good things.

I did the same thing last year, I achieved 20% of what I set out to do. This time since I started from a low point, it also includes some of the little things and some really big stuff!

#thingsarelookingup #LittleSteps

My Big Black Dog

My Big Black Dog.

Some Days you’re up and at Night you are down
It’s 3am and you’re awake with a frown.
Did I see that sight, What was that sound?
When a big black dog follows you around.
In waking moments, you think you’ll find,
But a sinking feeling in the back of your mind.

Just as you smile, it seems without a care,
You’ll suddenly find him waiting there.
Lurking, peering from the darkness,
Hoping to steal your chance of happiness.
Sometimes you can keep him at bay,
But he follows you around, every day!
When you are able to shut him out,
Your subconscious begins to scream and shout.
Hope that just once, for you he’d let
That reminder of something, you’ve tried to forget.
The big black dog is on your shoulder,
Like the wolf you feed as you get older.
If you’re stubborn with a will to survive,
Fight the black dog to keep you alive.

At bright times when you see the sun,
A pat on the back for how far you’ve come.
Remind myself of the beauty in me,
Open your eyes, one day you’ll see.
That a big black dog, quite often you’ll find,
Is much more scary in your mind.
There to keep you, the straight and narrow,
Can really be an annoying fellow.
Your deepest, darkest fears come to light,
As over the years, you continue your fight.
Sometimes you feel so terribly sad.
Loved ones and Friends may think you’ve gone mad.
Yesterday you seemed so jolly,
Today you are just melancholy.
In your own space at home you’ll stay,
You’ll go out on another day.
They say water’s not thicker than blood.
Unexpected kindness, your eyes will flood.

Release your emotions and pent up anger,
the experience will make you stronger
Open up and then you’ll know,
If you can ever let it go.
Someone to talk to, to hold your hand
As you try to understand
How he ever managed to get into your life
Causing all the stress and strife.
Wonder if it will ever cease,
If one day you’ll regain peace.
It’s painful looking though an abyss,
Hopeful life will return to bliss.
But over time, more thoughts he’ll steal
As you begin to recover and heal.
One day your brain will clear the fog,
As you wave Goodbye to that Big Black Dog.