I have lost track of how many times I have written what seems like a similar post only to leave it once again.
The endless apologies for life having gotten in the way of my quest and thirst for writing.
Instead of accepting that life holds so many things that sometimes what we think are priorities become luxuries only to be pushed to the back of the queue.
So it turned out that 2020 was not my year to embrace my creativity after all. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t given up completely. Merely the practicality of actually getting more writing done has often failed me. I did not make the things I planned to either projects thrown by the wayside.
No, 2020 was a year for unlived dreams, of mere survival and the hopes that we would just be able to enjoy what time we have together. His bucket list still awaits.
Alas, I have had enough spanner’s in the works to fill a large toolbox and as far too often is the case, ours like almost everyone else’s plans have been thwarted.
But I am still a writer, so I’ve taken more of a break from it. Well no…
Actually I’ve probably written almost as much this year as I have in the past. I’m just not inclined to publish it. My whinge poetry when things are going wrong is not how I’d like to be remembered and there’s been rather a lot of that lately.
So it has been archived on the various places and tech that it was written on. On scraps of paper, notebooks, iPad and laptop and the phone in the hope that I can back it all up safely before Mercury goes into retrograde again or the computer drive packs up.
I’ve lost track of how many poems I have now written. I kind of stopped counting them at some point last year but at least I haven’t stopped writing them. But the tap that used to flow endlessly with the words and phrases just seems to often run dry these days. Maybe I became too nonchalant about it, so it switched itself off so that I would not take it for granted and would cherish its existence. My mind has been elsewhere. My body has been fighting my every attempt at trying to act normal. It simply isn’t normal to shake uncontrollably and have spasms every night and be in constant pain with pins and needles. Paralysis even on a temporary basis is definitely not normal either, but it’s cause still remains a mystery to the Medics. I’ve pushed myself physically to get things done and paid the consequences in the past year, I haven’t achieved as much as in previous years but at least I haven’t stood still and just accepted my fate yet.
The trips we planned for our big celebration of our life together were locked down, so we spent it here. Friends got married. Others we knew lost their lives cruelly taken by a plague I almost lost my partner and had to nurse him through the most difficult time of my life alone due to lockdown. We worried for the safety of friends and family we could not see.
As some respite in the summer I rekindled my love for my garden in the South. Having been banished from Scotland for the time being I grew things here in a raised garden and tended my pots sitting on the floor when I couldn’t bend and enjoyed the process and the garden thanked me for the attention. It was the first full summer spent here in about 5 years. It kept me sane during the lockdown. Our little bit of private space away from the madness of the world outside. I also learned that a small mouse family had set up home in the garden and to my absolute delight, they often popped out to gather food and scurry around. When mama mouse presented me with the sight of four tiny babies walking up the blackberry bush, I was so happy for her. The robins nested out the front and showed me their brood and seeds that I planted are still rewarding me now.
I have had to review my priorities like everyone else that I know. The things that I thought would happen just didn’t along with conclusions to circumstances which have gone on far too long. I only hope that we have the luxury of time. We have not made resolutions for this year, we are thinking of our future with positivity. The relief that I have when we set and pass another milestone date is huge. Living on borrowed time is often exhausting and so I will keep setting those goal dates for him and celebrate with him when he makes it. We have so much yet to do together.
Yes It will be different this year. It will be better this year and good things will happen again.
Despite the enforced change, we are starting off this new year with gratitude that we have made it this far, hope that our health holds out and will still make our plans for the future. It is important to dream, it gives you something to work towards. Once the world opens up its doors again to travel, we like many others will pack our bags, get in the car and go and explore it.
I wish that you will find happiness in this New Year and hope to share more with you as it gathers momentum.