A burst of creativity 

25/6/17 After a week of feeling exhausted with high levels of pain and very little sleep I was met with an inspired moment. So this weekend’s sudden burst of creativity has come about by this….

A small pot of local flowers from my garden which either looked pretty or smelled nice. I thought I might be able to make some pot pourri to send to my friend in Australia as part of her birthday gift and to remind her of home. I miss her even more since she emigrated. Yes I have lots of wild flowers which have grown in the wrong place (otherwise known as weeds) but they are blooming and some of them smell rather lovely too so I’m not afraid to include them.

Unfortunately I then looked it up and found out that you cannot send plant matter to Australia since they have strict laws. So I thought about making her a wildflower bouquet mixed up with the ones from my garden and photographing it for her. Perhaps I would make it onto a notebook so she can write a journal, or get it printed for her and put in a frame. Who knows but on our evening walk we collected more and since it was a rainstorm by the time we arrived home I had to store them in the fridge overnight and so this was made today. 


It adorned my dining table for the day as I wasn’t sure exactly what to do with it next. Send it with blessings to the wind, or make the pot pourri out of it, it does smell rather nice. In the end I have opted for both. 

I was inspired by an artist named Day Schildkret who on his walks collects things and makes beautiful sculptural earth alters from his foraged finds which he photographs. Known as Impermanent Earth Art You can see his work at http://www.morningalters.com I love his work and am perfectly happy when doing my own foraging for beautiful things.

But it somehow set the ball rolling. Last night I wrote up my poems to the pc from the notebooks of my last trip it boosted my morale again finding out that I have almost reached my quota for my second book selection (a further 100 poems) and it seemed to trigger the writing again, suddenly whizzing around my head. This morning I wrote a poem about my friend who has invited me to her wedding next week. I plan to give it to her for a gift and thought that I need to do something else for them too. I am all for a bit of upcycled giftware and have made her a recycled roof slate chalkboard with the wedding couples initials in a logo and the date of their union. The slates were reclaimed from Scotland. I have a few of them I intended to make up for some friends and family or perhaps sell at a later date.


I hope that they like it. 

I also made one for our home which is personal to us. This has become our catchphrase of late since wherever we are as long as we are together it’s home.

It seems that I have been able to write more poetry this week. Not all of it suited to a book, or here but had to be written nevertheless.

Through Thick and Thin

They couldn’t get between us.
Through thick and thin we’ve stayed,
Don’t always make a fuss
We saw it when they’ve played.
When things are sent to try us,
And be sure they often will.
Just know that I am by your side,
However you may feel.
Sometimes things are too much,
they try to get us down.
But I know there’s a smile,
Which hides behind each frown.

 

On the Precipice, Life shouldn’t be this hard.

No, I’m not ready to jump or anything.  Although things have been pretty stressful lately,  (for that read at times unbearable) at times you feel as though you are reaching breaking point, when you are laying down to sleep and the dreams you have are past experiences, mixed with anxious feelings for an unknown future, it seems that all the fears and bad experiences are rising to the top again, the forefront of my mind and I hate it. Upon waking I know it is a dream but I do not want it to be the reality and I really don’t want to relive those aspects of my past all over again. On some such occasions, I tell my Mum, she agreed it was pretty horrible, but that I should acknowledge it as bad dreams and don’t accept it.

My future is not hanging in the balance, but despite my best attempts to leave my fate in the hands of the gods, or some higher power.  I find myself crying out on a far too regular basis that “Life shouldn’t be this hard!” feeling as though I am some forlorn child who is unable to cope with her life.  But it is not only I who feel this way, my partner also is struggling with why things are so difficult for us all of the time.  Some people in the past have suggested that we might be better going our own separate ways, that somehow we are bringing each other down.  But that is unkind, (the politest response that I can put here and a pretty messed up way of looking at things)  Anyhow, I can remember without rose tinted glasses that life wasn’t so fabulous before he came along either.

When one thing goes our way and we are overjoyed after, days, weeks, months of things going wrong.  Other people do not have to deal with things like this on an every day basis.  We really need a break and we are crying out for one.

If the angels are listening, please send some good our way, health, happiness, funds, or anything really to lighten the load.

via Daily Prompt: Precipice

Slowing the Pace 

DSC_009411/5/17

In the past week or so I have been thinking a lot. I’m told that my brain is fluffy since we arrived. I do feel a bit more fluffy since I have arrived, less stressed about most things and I have caught up on my sleep at last. It is good for the soul being here. I am probably letting things wash over me where previously I might have worried about them. I don’t know if it is a good or bad thing I have only been worried about him. Lately he has been doing the worrying about everything else which is really bad for him. He is getting about 4 hours sleep a night and his health and brain is suffering doing himself physical damage because he is run down. But he is like a man possessed trying to get things done, as though his time is running out. I hope it is not.

We do not have an endless time here and will have to go back South for many reasons but he does not have to do it all now. There is time and there is no schedule up here. The summer is coming, we will make preparations for our next visit before we leave.

I have been in a fuzz on the full blood pressure tablets lately but really struggled with breathlessness when I have cut back to half, despite becoming fitter due to the hill walking. So although there has been less of the usual stress clearly my body is still letting me know it still needs that different pace and medication is slowing it for me.

I am two cups of coffee into the day before I can function but am sleeping so much. Knowing that Endometriosis can wipe out your energy reserves at the drop of a hat. I am still in pain but trying to work through it on most days, not overdoing anything just trying to do something constructive each day. It doesn’t help that our time clocks are way out of sync. We are getting to bed as it gets light whilst he drops off to sleep on the chair after dinner. I have trouble waking him up to get him to bed and by the time we get there we are hearing the dawn chorus. So half the day is gone by the time I rise. He leaves me to sleep and then resents the time it takes for me to get off the ground.

We are trying to raise funds here by selling off some of our excess items but there are not that many up here since the break in and the hardships that followed. We will do the best that we can in order to stay here as long as possible. We do not wish to return to our lives down South at the moment, they have caused so much misery and heartache in the past 12 months that I would rather have hunger and a very basic life here feeling safe and healthier than I have been in months.

I was walking the dog at 3am this morning. It was a beautiful full moon last night and the Farm track was lit up, bathed in its light with twinkling lights along the coast. It was almost silent, but for the small animals in the hedgerows.  During that short walk, everything seemed totally right with the world. I felt true happiness in an instant. I could have happily walked across the hills for miles. No one around, alone with the dog and my thoughts. Silent from argument and cross words caused by pain and stress, the worries washed away in the moonlight. I loved the outlines of the tress around in the woods that surround us here. The bull in the field that we visit every day, slightly surprised to see us and snoring gently by his barn.

We were totally at peace there in the moment. Whilst I walked along hoping and praying for a small miracle to enable us to stay here and calm our souls some more. It struck me that here in the darkness, I felt totally safe as though it was the most normal thing in the world to wander the hills in the dark at that hour. It was truly invigorating. I noticed that for the first time in months, I do not feel depressed. For someone who has battled with this depression for a few years now, it seems as though being up here has lifted a huge weight from my mind for as long as I am here.  It makes me wonder if a more permanent move would be better for us all instead of the back and forth.

When the weather is warm and we have just enough to get by, then we are extremely happy up here. A little left over would be a godsend. I worry about lack of contingency funds. Since the truck has played both of us up in the past week and we are several miles from shops for supplies.

As he heads off out today, the truck has struggled again to start. There is muck in the fuel lines we think from when it ran out of fuel and it is causing us real problems. The tank is full and there is fuel cleaner in there but it is still threatening to conk out at any moment which is an extra concern we really don’t need. A return from the mechanic and it seems that it might be something more an auto electrical problem, here’s hoping they can get it fixed.

Wishes

Wishes carried on the air,

Make me strong and make them fair.

Give me courage, my strength prevail.

I am not weak I will not fail.

Take this fire and send it out.

Make my words become a shout.

So I can end all this mess,

Return again our happiness.

Build this wish by power of three,

This is my will, so shall it be!

This Once Was Home

I sat in the garden looking at night sky
And thinking about it began to sigh.

I sat there silent it’s fair to mention,

My body ached from all the tension.

Remember that this once was home.

The place where I could be alone. 

Peace and quiet alone with thought, 

Not sitting feeling overwrought. 

With home comforts all around. 

Windows closed would block the sound.

Of the world and people passing by.

Watching as the time would fly.

A quiet haven to rest my head.

The cosy sofa, the comfy bed.

Neighbours with whom a hand I’d lend,

Small garden with plants that I could tend.

But now as I wait for Spring to call

Here I sit trapped in these four walls.

Life as we know it before this began, 

Now altered forever because of one man.

So much has changed I feel locked in,

No escape from the stress and din.

Wanting once more to get out.

Making me want to cry and shout.

The peace is shattered, the calm is too,

I crave to find that something new.

A place where I am at my best,

A home to thrive, a place to rest.

Natures beauty there to please,

Surrounding you will put you at ease.

A personal space to call my own,

Which once again I’ll feel is home.

I’ll keep looking I’ll search with care, 

To find the place that is out there. 

The plans have changed, our dreams have too,

But we’re still in it, it’s me and you.

Wherever we go on this journey of ours, 

We’ll stop a moment to smell the flowers.

Shall plant some new ones on the way, 

Put down some roots, as they say.

Life will be once more safe and secure.

The countryside an obvious lure.

A house, a cottage, a bungalow,

A place for us to thrive and grow.

It’s time to move on, or start to roam

And find this house to call a home. 

Excitement and new challenges await.

Walk down the street and open the gate.

The new life we will soon have begun,

Once there you’ll know you’ve found the one.