A Million Thoughts

A million thoughts crashing through my head,

As I lay here in my bed.

Like the charge of the light brigade.

Only no one coming to my aid.

Running so fast my brain can’t catch them,

Not one flitting through and back again.

What am I thinking, is any of it conscious?

Staying put would be advantageous.

Sudden thoughts of this and that.

Wondering just where I’m at.

Thoughts are completely unstructured

Not a moments sleep that I’ve mustered

So quickly they disappear,

Will I remember is my fear.

Replaced by one after another,

As I hide under the cover.

They arrive thick and fast.

Will any of them try to last.

Taking away all hope of sleep.

Can’t even imagine counting sheep.

Are they plans, hopes or dreams.

Is not all as it seems.

A child’s voice in my head,

I don’t recall what he said.

The laughter momentarily filled the air,

But I know that no one’s there.

What to do with this onslaught,

When I am so deep in thought.

And when the storm of this has passed,

I’ll finally rest and sleep at last.

Daily Prompts – Puzzled

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Release.

Suddenly awake again without warning. The thud of a heartbeat filled her ears just like the bass sound of music in a passing car. Thud thud thud thud. Her heart suddenly racing and she wondered why.

Looking up as her eyes grew accustomed to the surroundings she noticed the thin figure in the darkness leaning against the doorframe. As it often did but this time just standing there considering it’s next move.

As the dark figure loomed in the doorway, its shape changing with every breath she lay there wide eyed. As it began to head towards her she sent it away. Those all too familiar words, Be gone. You do not belong here. Just get out.

She wished that it would leave her alone. It was never a happy feeling, she didn’t trust it for she had felt its cold grip on many occasions as it grabbed at her, always waking her from her slumber. But she did not allow it to strike fear in her any more, it did not have that power, as time went on she was gaining strength again. It was just an annoyance that disturbed her.

So was it a dream? An annoying recurring dream, that changed and mutated along with the dark character, shifting its shape as she questioned her thoughts.

She waited…. the darkness left and with it, came a warm feeling from her feet through her legs like she had felt previously. Again it moved through her and as it reached her head it pounded. Lightheaded as though to be let out as the light danced around the room above her. Little flickers of blue and white, it was usually blue and white but occasionally red and green and yellow too.

The lights although barely visible swirled above her and danced around her, she wondered what they were. A trick of light perhaps her conscious mind thought, or had they some deeper meaning? Whatever their purpose she gained comfort from them whenever they were there. A warmth spread around her like a blanket of reassurance and she felt totally safe. Somehow empowering her along the way and equipping her for some unknown battle. Suddenly she let out her breath and as she did so a sound not dissimilar to a popping bulb and then she saw it, clearly above her in big white letters RELEASE

She took another deep breath and let it out the warmth spreading through her body once again a calm feeling took over as though a storm had passed her by. Some kind of lucky escape.

As she lay there willing her breathing to return to normal she thought about what had happened and wondered as to why. What was its message or purpose?

She grabbed her phone, looked at the clock 3.33am again what did it all mean?

Daily Prompt -Surreal

Winter Hibernation


We have slipped into Winter Hibernation  mode here. Where we do not want to go anywhere and do anything. Going to bed late, in the early hours of the morning and sleeping until lunchtime, our days are spent playing catch up and with a sense of dread that I am wasting time. I should not waste time, it is precious and whilst I do not have a job there is in theory so much that I could do around the house and sort out for us but I am getting none of it done. I find this very frustrating and berate myself for it I am not by nature a lazy person but feel that I am being one lately. My job search is taking up most of my waking day, and it is getting me nowhere so the highlight is taking a walk with our dog together. We have not even managed that in daylight for the past few weeks. I am craving daylight but there is a lack of any motivation at present to haul myself out of whatever this is. Normally in winter months I do not cope with the cold and aches and pains that the season provides me with and this year it is slightly different. It is somehow worse, more depressing. Less desire to get out there even on the brightest of days. My ears are painful as is my throat with this annoying thing that will not go away and is as yet undiagnosed as I count the weeks off before I get to see a specialist. I have a cough which has not cleared and the doctor offers no solution to whatever causes the condition but it leaves me feeling exhausted and disoriented. On the plus side I am not shoving medication onto my system for that reason at least. I also have to see another specialist since I have been struggling over the past few months with pain and discomfort elsewhere But I wake from a night when I have been in bed for 9 hours feeling as though I have not slept at all.

I know that it is not good enough, it is no way to live and I need to haul myself out of whatever this is, and him kicking and screaming if need be. We are in this together though, currently cocooned in our winter life. He says that he is grateful for the time we have had together in the past few months. I am too and being able to form a lasting bond with our new boy has been an absolute gift. I have been here whilst my partner has been ill so there has been no pressure upon him and I have been able to help. But trying to move us in any direction forward has felt like an uphill struggle where we have not succeeded.

Am I trying to kid myself that all this time I have been nurturing my mind and body. Waiting to heal from the past few months experiences. I ask that, Am I kidding myself? Or has that actually happened and that is now leaving me feeling so restless.

January is always a month that leaves me feeling strange. My birthday month when I dissect the year before and what I have or haven’t done. Without he realisation that I am doing it again until it is done. I make plans, wishes even. I wouldn’t call them resolutions as such. For they have often disappeared by Springtime when I want for something entirely different.

I think about a slightly new direction, a bit of new life, growth. The things I want to achieve. It all starts out so well. Then so get to thinking how on earth I will go about doing these things, getting these done and making them happen and that’s when I get these feelings of doom.

It is cold and wet outside, our baby boy had spent too much time out in the wet in his previous life, so has no inclination to be out there for very long unless we are going anywhere. The ground is frozen so I cannot do much put in the garden. I am waiting for things to sprout. Now is not the time to haul stuff out of its, whilst it is resting and sleeping I must learn patience.

So what have I been doing? Well in the past week I have been cooking, if nothing else we can eat properly and the odd desert which is a break from the norm for me at least has been well recieved. I have also tried out the breadmaker which was gifted me by my friend. Much to the delight of the others the house is filled with the wonderful smell of fresh bread on a regular basis. I am imagining ingenious ways to use the food in the freezer to create wonderful things to inspire us. Sometimes it happens and other times we just resort to our chosen convenience food of pasta and… (fill in the gap) Interesting food may continue this week or I could make good old comfort stew with dumplings it depends if we can shake off these feelings.

Maybe if I stay up till 3am I will just be able to sleep, not be awakened from slumber at this hour instead. The random thoughts will have already exited stage left by this time and I can concentrate on the business of sleeping.

The Daily Post – Successful

Deliriously Deluded Ramblings Vol 2

Jolted awake from her sleep, by the bitter taste rising in her throat. She had no idea of it’s sudden cause. The taste acrid, it burned inside her throat. She was certain that she saw something in the darkness, laying on the edge of the mattress. It looked like a furry caterpillar, or some strange sort of plant life and she watched as it moved away and disappeared. Had she dreamt it, she searched on the floor, but it had gone. Her breath was awful, had she swallowed something in the night, an insect perhaps? It felt as though something had died in her mouth and she felt the soreness within her throat. Had the infection from her ears travelled there? The thunderclap in her ears just a week before had left her dizzy and disorientated as though her head was under water, she was not able to hear properly.

Looking at the clock she was wide awake. Three hours had passed since she had hit the sheets, exhausted and craving sleep. Was it a reaction to the stress? Acidic plasma filled her mouth, she hauled herself to the bathroom resisting the urge to be sick. Minutes later her tongue sore from scrubbing with the toothbrush as she tried in vain to rid her mouth of the bitterness she inspected her mouth for signs, the now familiar white lumps had appeared again at the back of the throat. she hoped that she would not suffer with another outbreak of ulcers to join them, but feared that it may already be too late. In recent years, they had become her body’s first deep distress signal. Her mouth swollen and sore, her lips feeling as they were on fire…
The past month has been rather dark at times. Don’t get me wrong, it is not all doom and gloom, I have had moments of Happiness thrown into the mix and clarity at times, but I have been suffering with a physical illness which really took a hold of me, causing infections, delirium and fever to ravage the body and manifest in so many ways. It has rather taken me out the way of my path to Happiness, which I had decided to journey onto and up until then I had felt that I was doing quite well.

It always catches me out on how illness can affect the brain as well as the body. I should be prepared for it by now, after years of illness with Endometriosis caused havoc upon my brain and eroded the person that I was going to be, there was so much that needed to heal. It is logical that when the mind or body is under stress, then it has to come out somewhere. But I often feel that they are seemingly unconnected it can cause your worst feelings to come up to the surface, fear, loathing, depression etc and memories you had buried from the past all racing to the fore.

Once the illness is gone, you start to rebuild what you know and try and return to your normal self. Sometimes it is easy, other times difficult, at the moment, the feeling of what I have been going through for almost a month now is still fresh and raw in my mind and I am not yet over it. I guess I am trying to rush the process, having felt that I should be much better by now, my creative juices have dried several times during this, although there have been spurts of writing, it has not exactly been the flow which I had experienced prior.

It changes you though, you feel things are never quite the same again, when you have experienced the ravages of the fever demons tormenting your mind and body and starving you of sleep when you are wracked with pain. Whatever the hell this was, I certainly don’t want it back. I will be glad when it is over and wave it goodbye. It’s a proven fact that people are getting more sick, it can‘t always be avoided I know, but it knocks you for six when it hits. I also make a mental note to stay well away from anyone who is unwell and boost my natural vitamin intake wherever possible.

Deliriously Deluded Ramblings. Vol 1

048Well, that might actually be a little harsh, but there are times such as now when I feel that anyone looking in on my world at this split second, might think I was. I have been feverish for a couple of days, thanks to the bugs which were passed to my beloved and having given him a week of care, antibiotics and myself a large pat on the back for being able to avoid it, as they say, pride comes before a fall. So stumble into bug filled oblivion I did, with a mighty crash over the Easter weekend. Thank fully, I had the foresight to go and do some shopping to tide us over for a few days, when I had started to feel a bit “under par”

I coped with all of the usual things and then yesterday it hit me, like the proverbial tonne of bricks. So here I am at 3am sitting with a rather fetching hat which covers my extremely painful ears, a scarf around me covering my sore throat, fluffy slippers (de rigueur) and my pyjamas, due to the temperature I am currently sporting, I have also joined him in a course of antibiotics, in the hope that if I catch it now, it will not go to my chest as well as the places it is already wreaking havoc.
All in all it’s not my best look, but he told me he loved me and that I am beautiful before he left me to sleep, but he is delirious still, I’m sure of it. I tried to sleep, but have not been able to do so, so got up again with my painkillers.

Like a short circuit. I am hauled from my deep sleep and dreams, it is as though I have walked for miles over hot coals.
As my feet touch the cold floor, there is a searing, like steak on a barbeque, the heat travels up my legs in an unexplained painful sensation.
It has happened so often, as though 3000 volts have just been switched on and I am jolted again into life. A standing start from which to let the dog out in the middle of the night. As I return to the warmth of the bed, my feet throb and the blood pulsates through my veins, surging like a faulty power supply. Or perhaps just this power surge. Releasing heat like a powerful firework, a bursting rocket upon the sky, as the sparkles fall to the floor, intense and strangely moving as they land.

The electricity dissipates, it ebbs away over time leaving restless legs again throughout the night. I take a sip of water and raise the glass to my forehead, feeling it’s coolness, and resisting the urge to pour the whole glass over my head, knowing that water and electricity don’t mix and risking it once again.

Spring Storm

There’s a storm outside again you know,
It hurries outside my window
Trying to sleep is ever so hard,
With things it’s hurling around the yard.
You wouldn’t know it’s the first night of Spring,
Isn’t the weather a mysterious thing?
The dog is restless, sleepers awake.
My body is lifeless and starts to quake.
The night is not peaceful as it should be,
I climb out of bed, make a cup of tea.
And wonder when the sleep will return,
Stopping a moment, from tossing and turn.
Perhaps a biscuit is my firm belief,
That something sweet, will give some relief.
Snuggled on blanket, the dog’s gone to bed,
Laying there motionless resting his head.
The heating is on, so I cannot get cold.
Wonder, Is this what it’s like to be old?
Thinking of all of the plants that have tried,
To grow through the cold so many had died.
Thankful that we don’t live in a hut,
Hoping there isn’t a power cut.
The lights in here, flicker and dim,
If we lost the power a mess we’re in.
When it’s like this he’ll often fret,
But at least he’s not outside, getting all wet.
As the harsh wind changes direction,
Things in the garden, facing ejection.
Rain falling sideways, far and wide,
Makes him find a place to hide.
A car driving by hearing the splashes,
fiercely at the door it lashes.
Dog stops by to check me and gives me his paw,
The wind blowing hard is bitter and raw.
Crashing and banging and throwing about,
It shares it’s own way of wanting to shout.
Through trees and bushes, wanting to bend,
A chance from this that there’s fences to mend.
Thankful that I am safely inside
As we await the yearly spring tide.

Inspiration? Carpe diem.

IMG_1079 As a fledgling writer I’m consciously aware of the effects of my writing upon those around me, as well as being concerned as to how things are received. The latter being probably what stopped me for so long. Since when I write my poetry it can arrive at the most inopportune moment and I have to get it down on paper, like opening a flood gate, or turning on a tap I do not wish to interrupt the flow, in case I lose it. Of course, I can return to it later to edit it, but , I do tend to write it as soon as it arrives.

I am often found scampering from the shower, drenched in a towel to get to a notepad and write something down, which would look rather odd to the fly on the wall. I probably should keep an etch a sketch in there or something, which doesn’t get wet when you write on it, I have several crinkly notebooks now.

I have pulled over when driving around on my way somewhere, or returning from a particular place or situation and I also tend to use the voice recorder on my phone if I cannot write it down at that moment.

At times this has me sitting up late into the night or waking up in the early hours, with the light on, writing on a shorthand notebook which I keep by the bed. Of course this can easily disturb others within the home. Last night it was the dog and I did not want to disturb him since yesterday he had been unwell, he huffs around and blows my concentration and is restless for the remainder of the night and grouchy the next day.

So, last night this resulted in my writing in the dark as things came to me in the early hours of this morning. I am getting used to the effects upon my sleep pattern of writing and thankfully am able to rest after I‘ve got it all out of my system, but at times, that has taken hours and I find myself giving up on sleep and tired the next day. As a very small child I used to read in the dark if I couldn‘t sleep after lights out, with a teddy bear under the covers, I used to save my pocket money to buy small torches which could not be seen. I remember being out with Mum once and she asked why I wanted a torch, I told her it was “for kissing bears under the covers.”

But until last night I had forgotten how exhilarating writing in the dark can be, of course your handwriting is different to in your waking hours, you might be half asleep, dragged from your slumber by random words, or phrases. It flows all over the page words sometimes running into each other and will not follow the lines, wiggling uncontrollably. Sometimes, you will even misspell the words as you write them, if awoken you might not recall where in the word you had got to. In the morning, upon review you will see that your writing differs greatly, you are trying to space the lines more carefully so that they don’t run into each other, and you can’t actually see what is on the page. But, I found that my senses were heightened and my thoughts clearer, a host of words which I have not tended to use before, came to me and appeared on the pages.

Last night my thoughts were racing, three separate subjects came to me and would not leave. So I have the basis at least for a few new pieces, plus a brainstorming word page.

So if you haven’t already tried this and are looking for inspiration, do not put it to the back of your mind when it strikes, I recommend that you Seize the Day, or moment actually!