My Brother.

When your world’s outpouring grief,

There’s no relief.

While the grief has just begun,

I feel so numb.

Where I think of what is left,

I feel bereft.

Nerves are buzzing, feel the pain

My memories remain.

Where does all this come from,

Because your gone.

Never again to return,

My eyes burn.

There with me right from the start,

Piece of my heart.

As I’m reeling from the loss,

Can’t count the cost.

As my life enforced this change,

It feels so strange.

There’s no distance near or far,

Small shining star.

Never again to hear your voice,

I have no choice.

Feeling raw and very blue,

Because of you.

Shattered dreams are torn apart,

New course of life to chart.

Which direction to navigate,

Things so highly I will rate.

Back in a moment filled with your joy,

Our beloved and cherished boy.

No longer here to hold my hand,

Can’t begin to understand.

Why you had to go away,

And couldn’t stay.

My loss is heavens gain,

It’s such a shame.

Despite it all it’s safe to say,

You did it your way.

You lived life fast, enjoyed the ride,

Now the pace has stopped I want to hide.

But life will go on and yet besides,

Can’t find release where pain resides.

Silent prayer to the one your soul to keep,

Whilst I sit and weep.

My brother and my very first friend,

It’s not the end.

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What it Takes

Could you spare a couple of minutes? He said. Actually I can’t right now, I answered I’m on my way somewhere. Could we ask for a donation then? He went on… I’m sorry, but I’m not working right now, so I don’t have any to spare. “Aye, that’s a good one” he answered.
In that moment He wrongly assumed that I did not like cats! I stopped, walked back and told him that if my partner wasn’t violently allergic to them, I’d probably work in a cattery and have a house full. I also explained that I had been out of paid work for two years now and that next time I was back in work I would be happy to donate once again as I did previously.
So I wonder if the man in the shopping centre who was collecting for the Cats Protection League, would have worded his request differently had he known just what I was going through just to get to that point walking through the shopping centre in the afternoon?

I also wondered briefly what he saw when I stood in front of him in my battered work boots, jeans and a vest, hair all messy. Dehydrated and melting in the heat, feeling stressed, exhausted and quite literally lost. He probably didn’t give it a second thought.

Yes, anxiety had well and truly kicked in, but I had chores to do that day and it was my only chance to get them done. When the car is playing up, you take your chance and do a round robin trying to get everything done before arriving back exhausted but happy that you made it.

It so often seems to be the way I feel after going out these days, Yay I made it! After I have returned home again but I had so many more tasks to complete before that point.
It had taken me three days to get up the courage to drive into town in the car which is misbehaving again and threatening to break down. At the moment the fuel is fighting to get through so it doesn’t like climbing hills and drops to a crawl. Two mechanics have been unable to fix this so far, so I really don’t know what to do about it now.
So firstly I visited the Bank in the shopping centre to try and open a new bank account. It used to be so simple. I had ID with me but I had to make an appointment for another day. They couldn’t deal with it then and there, which meant I would have to come back again. I stood in there for half an hour. Frustrating and then they decided that my ID was not enough for them I would have to have paperwork which I do not have here with me. So I would have to get Mum to send it up through the post before I could return to open one.  I’d also have to make another appointment but I had already tried to call them 3 times that morning before I had even got in the car, they don’t answer the phone. I asked for directions to the Post Office and began to walk there. I felt exhausted at that point and then desperately needed the bathroom and have to walk back for 15 minutes to the toilet I had walked past on my way into a shopping centre, one of the places where I feel most anxious.
I also had to buy Birthday Cards and write and send them. Send a parcel from the Post Office. First I had to locate the Post Office which was more than a mile into the biggest shopping centre I’ve been in for years and ask three people for directions, how far away can it be and was I still going in the right direction? I finally found it after walking for another 20 minutes in the opposite direction, going into a shop and then upstairs. How bizarre!

Having come across the Cats Protection man on the way, it left me feeling rather rattled. Disbelieving so and so, I had told him the absolute truth, but why should I have to explain myself, the reasons why I cannot stand there and listen to his pitch about why I should donate money I don’t have simply because he thinks that I could. It upset me, at that point I felt that I could barely stand and I still hadn’t found the post office. I was feeling dizzy and sick and so very tired that if I had stopped, then I may not have got started again and I was about 15 miles from home too.
I still had to tank up with fuel, get some food shopping and collect Water from the camp site before returning home.

I arrived back home four hours after leaving and was totally exhausted. I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. The relief of being back safe was immense. I just about made it through dinner, my eyes heavy and I slept for 11 hours. I couldn’t move for 2 days, the pain was absolutely ridiculous. I hurt everywhere. I had lost the grip in my hands again and kept tripping over things, my co-ordination was all out of whack and I was clumsy. My nerves jumping and muscles in spasm kept me awake day and night. Sometimes people have no idea just what it takes to do the simple tasks that we once took for granted.

Although the voice inside us tells us to get up and show up and keep on fighting, achieving and we will win, sometimes we have to face it that we just wont. However On the days we do achieve we return triumphant with a sense of euphoria that one day has gone better than we thought, before the crash comes and we spend the next two days in bed, or just too exhausted to function or even do the mundane. The highs and lows of having a long term chronic illness.

Time to Heal

I can’t pinpoint exactly when it was that I thought again about Reiki and Chakras and focusing on getting better in whatever way I could but it’s pretty recently.

After a while of being unwell you start to look at any options which might be open to you, I guess that you become more open to the options too and try to simplify your routine accordingly. But it seems to have coincided with the shift in my life that I was also welcoming and appears to have begun.

Things are on the up. I feel it and have a really positive and upbeat mentality for the first time in a while. Brushing aside my somewhat cynical thoughts of what might be and throwing caution to the wind, well not exactly as I don’t want to bring out the self destruct button. But in a controlled way I am considering new things and making more plans.

I am going to have a holiday, which always brightens me up although the thought of leaving my loved ones back here also kind of fills me with trepidation. I am not a seasoned traveller. I always wanted to travel when I was younger, you know travel safely to far flung places and see the world but never got off the ground. My inbuilt craving to be loved saw me spending my time instead with unsuitable and and often manipulative boyfriends after an early relationship ended. I also needed to support myself so didn’t escape it all as it wasn’t financially possible. It is only since I am lucky enough to have a partner who wants me to travel the world and embrace new things who sends me off on little journeys from time to time that I have been able to do so.

There is something wonderful about him that makes him say. Haven’t you always wanted to go to that place? You should, we’ll do it. Wanting me to see some of the wonderful places he has been to for myself, camera and notebook at the ready. He knows that I will be enriched by the experience. He always knows just the right time that my body, or soul is needing something and I come back with renewed vigour, excitement and strength and loving him for sending me away. I miss him like crazy when we are apart and worry about him, but yes he is able to cope without me and I get a heroes welcome from him and the dog when I return.

But lately I got to thinking about the benefit of Reiki and the fact that I have had only one session and it made such a massive difference to me. It was about 3 years ago. At the time I also learned to channel that same energy after the session. I read some things and tried to learn more about it and when I was unwell I found that if I meditated and placed my hands upon the chakra points of the body the energy helped to alleviate pain. At the time I was going through a very frustrating situation in my workplace and couldn’t speak up about the problems there as my voice wasn’t being heard by my superiors. I had terrible sore throats for a couple of months. It turned out that my throat chakra was blocked. I have had a problem with lumps in my throat ever since then which have never really gone away. I did get checked out by the hospital but they could not do anything about it. However I often felt that the pain that I had there could be alleviated by the warming energy when I meditated and placed my hand just in front of my throat for about 60 seconds. I did eventually get the opportunity to speak up, but by then a lot of damage had been done both mentally and physically by the toxic environment I had been in.

Recently I thought about that healing energy again and how I craved to become well. I also thought about the crystals that I have in the house and how they can also assist me. A few of my friends have found the benefits of crystal healing and although I haven’t thought that I have used crystals in the past. They have been in my life for longer than I thought. Those odd stones purchased from time to time or found on my travels. A pretty thing that has caught my eye or appeals to the touch, that the hand is drawn to and rests upon. I don’t know all their names. Somehow I have been drawn to the ones that have been laying around in the house and I also did one of those questionnaires recently to see if my chakras were blocked as I just wasn’t getting better. I wanted to know what I could do to improve things.

Where there’s a will there’s a way as the saying goes.

It turned out that my heart chakra was blocked. I needed to open myself up to more love. But also to look beyond myself for it. To not be limited by ego, to love unconditionally and see the beauty in all things again. It is regulated by the Thymus gland whose purpose is to regulate the immune system. I have had a problem with my immune system for the past few years and have recently been working on strengthening it. The Thymus gland also governs hormone production and bodily functions. I’ve had IBS for many years but I’ve also noticed that I often have physical pain in between my shoulders which travels through to my chest at the front. It cramps and the only way I have found is to soak in a hot bath until it releases. I’ve had six months of pain in my breasts which I recently was told at the hospital was caused by cysts. My doctors have suggested that a lot of pain is often caused by psychological ailments which I’m not happy to accept. It makes me feel as though they think I’m nuts every time they say it. Then I find out that there is yet another physical reason for the pain and they backtrack again.

I read more of the article the Heart Chakra purpose is noted

• Love for oneself and others

• Relating, relationships

• Compassion, empathy

• Forgiveness, acceptance

• Transformation, change

• Ability to grieve and reach peace

• Compassionate discernment

• Centre of awareness, integration of insights

“When the Heart chakra is blocked you may also feel emotional and withdrawn” it was then I realised that this has been an issue for longer than I thought.

So what do I do now?

To release the blockage it mentioned use of certain essential oils, such as Rose, Geranium, Jasmine, Ylang Ylang and Bergamot. Most of which I had used recently when making gifts at Christmas time. Some of which are contained in a gift from a friend given to me for my Birthday last month.

It suggests wearing rose quartz, the crystal to bring more love into your life. Hmm I thought, I have a necklace sitting around I should clean it up and wear it. It has adorned an ornament for many years in my lounge and I haven’t worn it. Tarnished by misuse it has sat around the lady who sits crossed legged in my lounge, purchased long before I ever thought about yoga and the effects of it upon the body along with some Chinese I-ching coins bought for Luck some 20 years ago. She looked after them all for me. I have taken the necklace and cleaned it occasionally but recently unravelled it, washed it and placed it outside to cleanse it on the last full moon along with the other crystals I could find in the house. I was told to use the crystals I was drawn to in some way, to hold them or wear them. So instead of replacing the delicate chain around her neck, I put it on mine and it has stayed there.

My mum who makes beautiful crystal jewellery often will change some of the beads in a bracelet for me based upon what she feels I need at the time when she makes a repair. Meanwhile

the tarnish has gone from wearing this necklace and showering with it on, it is silver. I have noticed it’s beauty although it looks slightly out of place with the gold that adorns my neck daily I have left it there. The other night my partner noticed it and said “what a beautiful necklace is it New?”

I laughed as I told him I needed to open my heart to more love recently so I thought I would wear it. He gave me one of those funny looks that I get when he knows more than he lets on and goes with the flow.

But I can’t deny that I have felt much better in the couple of weeks since wearing this Stone around my neck. More loved and loving generally. I have become more accepting of my body and the fact that although it doesn’t work in the way that used to, it still carries me around and I need to look after it. Kind of nurturing towards it. Considering it’s needs and where I can change things for the better. More loved and loving towards me.

Things are changing for the better and we are both thinking more positively. Instead of dwelling on our misfortunes I have been giving thanks again for all that is good and focusing on each and every thing that goes our way and positive outcomes. I used to spend a lot of time thinking in this way when things were better in the past, but somehow it kind of disappeared under the fog of the past few years and I couldn’t seem to shake it off. I am returning to conscious thought and how it affects us.

I think I have been able to let go of the grief that has consumed a huge part of me for a couple of years. It turns out that I have been living in grief for such a long time. Grief for me, trauma, for situations and for loved ones and I think that I have finally been able to release myself from it. I will no longer allow it to hold me back.

These small steps all add up to a long walk, but I feel that at last I am heading in the right direction now.

Daily Prompts – Simplify

Bite

via Daily Prompt: Bite

291117 Bite

Who knew that six Months of my life,

Would disappear in symptoms rife.

That I would struggle with all my might,

Just because of that one small bite.

In the teeth a mighty kick,

The result of a tiny tick.

Flooring me with a hefty thud

Suddenly infected my blood.

The shaking body and endless pain,

Diagnosis that I sought to gain

But here I’m ill six months on

Feeling dejected nothing done

Doctors and hospitals none the wiser

Changes in diet an appetiser.

Painkillers caused me problems galore,

Who could have guessed what they held in store.

Will try almost all that they suggest,

But if it came from me at my behest.

Felling shot back down in flames,

I’m not enjoying their sad games.

The blood is taken and tested once more,

How many times? Not keeping score.

Again it’s not sent for the right test,

Chasing them up for each request.

Testing again for this and for that,

Breathless, exhausted feeling flat.

Lethargy forces me to take cover,

With dizziness and falling over.

The independence that I had so long,

Or used to have, now seems to be gone.

Reliant upon those who I love,

Whilst illness continues to push and shove.

Shunted again from pillar to post,

Can I see the person who knows the most.

The one who can put the picture together,

So I don’t have to be ill forever.

The hope that is the tempting lure,

That they will offer me a cure.

Instead of hanging me out to dry,

As months and years go hurtling by.

The voice goes quiet when I speak,

As the brain fog makes me weak.

The strength from within hidden below

I’ve forgotten much more than I know.

Trauma blamed I seek to absolve,

But physical illness they’re yet to resolve.

This thing that brought me to my knees,

They’ll tell you it isn’t Lyme Disease.

But this sickness by it’s very design,

Will limit your movement and you’ll resign

Yourself to the life that you once had,

Before they accused you of being mad.

The person you knew, where your light once shone,

Unrecognisable from then, now has gone.

Your forthright opinion can make you bold,

Before Depression finds its stronghold.

But ruled by the pain and distress

You’ll find yourself settle for less.

Some answers that you seek to find

To reassure it’s not all in your mind.

Desperately trying some new fad,

If it works you’ll be so glad.

Time goes on you’ll clutch at straws,

But the same old story often bores.

Now only your true friends still remain,

Their Love outshone the sad refrain.

Tock Tick, 

Tick tock, tick tock

Incessant noise from the clock

Tock tick, tock tick
All the while that I am sick.

It carries on doesn’t want to stop

When I am ready just to drop.

Reminds me that time marches on

While they figure out what is wrong.

All the while as I lay in my bed

The noise I hear going through my head 

Layers upon layer it’s there underneath,

Hear it so loud I clench my teeth.

While there is pain my body quakes,

Blood pumping fast I have the shakes.

Ever changing from the norm,

My life has taken on new form.

So different now from before,

Not knowing what it has in store.

On most days I live in pain,

Thankful for some small gain.

The gratitude when things go right,

When I can sleep through the night.

When I can feel I do not shirk,

And I’m able to do some work.

See my way through the brain fog,

To enable me to walk the dog.

Walk up the road from side to side,

Stagger along with him at my side.

Is she alright or is she drunk?

Wish I could escape from this funk.

Erratic emotions cause alarm,

Losing all my grace and charm.

Will they notice my thoughts are mussed,

Or disregard they are not fussed.

People have fallen by the way,

As I fight through each day.

Some are still there as they should,

They are the ones who are kind and good.

Yes life has changed beyond recognition,

Going forward, time out, this intermission.

For this is not how it will stay for me,

I’m sure it’s only temporary.

Over time I’ll start to get better,

Once again be that go-getter.

I hope that it’s not permanent,

For this is not how my life’s meant.

The New Me?

The new me…

If I can make it through a 12 hour day without crawling back to bed in pain. I am feeling lucky.

Where I haven’t fallen over, scalded myself, dropped something, hurt myself or stepped on the dog then it is an achievement.

Where when I wake up and look at my phone I can see clearly without the blurred vision and the floaters that cloud my eyes. The headaches which are becoming ever more frequent and lasting longer. Sitting around with a clenched jaw because most noise is too loud. The watch which is no longer worn because the ticking keeps me awake and gives me a headache. The hum of appliances as I walk past them make me feel queasy. A passing odour which can linger for hours, bring on a headache or turn the stomach. An onslaught to my heightened senses.

Where I’ve held a conversation which has made sense and all the words have arrived in their correct sequence to impart whatever I wanted so desperately to say. Without the tears of frustration escaping and emotions running high.

A day where I’ve been able to take a shower and get dressed, because I didn’t fall over in it. Or if I feel really good I don’t resort to using the shower seat and can co-ordinate my limbs without them hurting and shaking and having to sit down part way through.

I don’t wear make up very often, there seems little point I rarely go out at the moment. One essential shopping trip per week usually accompanied since I am often too ill to drive myself.

On a good day when I make food I don’t split the packets on the food I try to prepare sending the contents skidding across the worktop or worse the floor. I am able to make a cup of coffee without dropping the jar and I can even drink it without throwing it all over my clothes.

Sometimes I can manage the weight of the laundry awaiting try to hang it out on the line. Some days I can even walk the dog, who trots along patiently at this new slower pace, nuzzling me to reassure. I can put on shoes, with socks only for an hour because my feet feel as though I am walking over hot stones. My boots are without laces, because I am unable to tie them. They come off the minute I get home so that I can cool them down again, the slightest exertion and my hands are the same. Washing up water hurts and they throb for hours afterwards.

Other days I cannot do these things. I slink back to bed, try to sleep, willing the pain to go, the tremors to stop and my thoughts to make sense to me. I hope that the painkillers work, that things will change for the better. I hope that I don’t choke when my throat goes into spasm and wakes me coughing loudly anything around my neck feels tight, from the inside out.

I have a sense of humour, I guess watching from the outside it might be funny to see some of these things as they happen if this weren’t the new me.

It is not the me that I want to be, or thought that I would be. 

I am hoping that this is the temporary me, one that will improve soon to be replaced with a faster, streamlined and efficient model in the same skin, only skin that doesn’t itch and crawl.

A new me that is not cheated from the plans I have made for the future and the life I want to lead one who has the energy to go out and get it and be me.

Do you know what it is yet?

Well yes and no. As some of you may have been reading my posts for a while now already know. I haven’t been well for a while.
It’s why posts have been sporadic for the past couple of months at least. I aim to do a little better since for my own peace of mind I have to still be able to do something.

I suffer with Endometriosis, hypertension, depression and have over the past couple of years been through quite a lot. At times it has really got me down and I haven’t always known which way is up. 

I am trying. Trying to get through whatever this is but knowing your body and how it behaves is a two edged sword. I have had Endometriosis, a chronic condition since I was seventeen years old but back then I didn’t know. I waited and went through a living hell that only those with a chronic condition will understand for another 18 years before it was finally confirmed.
8 years ago, I had a hysterectomy and thought that finally my life could begin. I’d been given a new lease of life. I was cured! 
Well actually no, I wasn’t. Although my health improved significantly for a while, it is an incurable condition aggravated by stress and can present itself in and around other organs causing unimaginable pain.
Fast forward to a few years ago when I started to get awful pain in my bowels and the old familiar dragging pain in my abdomen again. It’s easy to shrug it off thinking that if you don’t have the equipment anymore you shouldn’t have these pains and if you ignore it, it’s sure to go away.

I don’t like taking medicines. I have reacted to so many over the years in the name of testing and some have left with me long lasting effects.

Due to the Endometriosis I also have a high threshold for pain and am stubborn so tend to have an I can get through this mental attitude.

But… Dealing with the pain I have been in over the past few months has been unbearable at times. I can tell you that Painsomnia is a very real thing. 
I have on many occasions over the past few months sat in the GP surgery asking, “What on earth is wrong with me?”

I knew deep down that something was pretty wrong and that I needed to get to the bottom of it all. I have been trying to wrack my brains and put my finger on it, times and dates. I keep a diary to jog my memories I do not always put find details in it. 

Sods law prevails, there are a few missing pieces in my puzzle.

The GP has been understanding, sent me for lots of tests trying to help me find out the root cause. So many symptoms have been unexplained and put down to stress. Life has been unbelievably stressful in the past year alone, but longer than that. But I suspected that there was more to it than that.

I’m not clutching at straws but sometimes you can join up the dots.
My GP suggested that I may have Fibromyalgia brought on by my circumstances. 

It is a condition I had heard of but nothing more I felt I needed to do some research.

That is when I received a lightbulb moment. There are some things which mimic Fibromyalgia symptoms. But suddenly there it was, in black and white in front of me.
The question, Have you been bitten by a tick? You may have Lyme Disease…

Take this online questionnaire and give the answers to your GP.

I did the questionnaire. Almost every answer was yes to what I had been going through lately. Don’t panic I thought. It must be easy to find out surely?

When we were in Scotland it was Springtime. It seems like ages ago. The deer were jumping around the garden, all sorts of wild animals trotting past and came to see us. the cattle were in the field at the back of the house and the grass had just begun to grow for the summer. It went from looking like a lawn to a field in a matter of weeks. Between the sunshine. It rained a lot and grew so fast. There is too much of it for us to mow and too many underground hazards for heavier machinery to get in there. We were walking in pasture on a daily basis and picking ticks of the dog every time he came indoors. Thank for for spot on type treatments to protect him. The drops didn’t stop him getting them but I think it made them drowsy and easier to see. Since the weather was warm outside the dog slept on the bed during the day since it was the only cool place in the house. I felt tired a lot so sat with him on the grass outside in the sunshine.
I picked them off him and disposed of them. But one morning in early May I think it was, I woke up with a massive bite on my back. I didn’t remember being bitten the day before and it definitely wasn’t a midge, could it have been a horsefly I thought. I asked my partner to take a look. It was strange he said. Really red and about the size of a 50p piece and looked like a bullseye. In a couple of days of putting Aloe Vera onto it, the itch died down a bit. I thought no more of it.

I started to feel really tired again and my neck hurt for a few days. Had I slept in a funny position and strained it. I slept without pillows but it didn’t seem to help either way. For no reason and had a colossal headache which lasted for 5 days. All I wanted to do was sleep. I couldn’t get much done, it was a good job that I didn’t have to drive. I just thought that again it was stress. More rest required so I was sleeping roughly ten hours a night and still waking up tired. I felt as though I was getting the flu, I had a temperature for about 48 hours, felt feverish if it didn’t seem to turn into anything.

I thought I had escaped a bug of some sort. 

Within a couple of weeks when I suddenly kept getting excruciating pain in my hands and feet I blamed it on the damp. I couldn’t think of any other reason it could hurt so much. It was like cramp and fire at the same time, burning from the inside out. I rubbed my hands each night and day with hand cream hoping to ease the pain. Had I overdone some gardening he asked? No, I hadn’t actually done anything with them. 

It was frustrating.

I’ve had this pain before. The year before and last year. It wasn’t as bad as this. 

We came back South and saw the doctor who sent me for blood tests checking for arthritis and rheumatism we waited for the results. Full blood work came back with a vitamin D and calcium deficiency but otherwise it was Ok. I already take a supplement daily so started to take two.

In the weeks since then I started to get the shakes, tremors I can sit doing absolutely nothing and feel my whole body shaking. Sometimes you can see them. The fire in my hands and feet has moved to elbows shoulders and knees and ankles. What was happening only sporadically is now a daily occurrence. The pain is constant and I am concerned. I grit my teeth a lot. It stops them chattering uncontrollably my own reaction to shock and pain. My whole body aches. I keep waking up in pain and being really short of breath. Like someone has stolen it away from me unexpectedly as I walk along the road. The dog has become used to my telling him to slow down and wait for me and toddles alongside me. 
About three weeks ago she mentioned the possibility of Fibromyalgia and then I found out about Lyme. There were warnings on Facebook in May, a little info but I thought that we were careful and if we got rid of the ones off the dog we would be alright. You could see them on him, so we would be sure to find them on us too. Or so I thought… I read more, a tick can be the size of a poppy seed. So what hope is there if seeing that and removing it in time. Not all ticks carry Lyme, well I’m grateful for small mercies then.

So what do you do to find out?

There is a type of blood test to check,  it is called ELISA but these are not conclusive depending on what stage it is at. It can take several weeks to present itself. Meanwhile you feel like death warmed up if this is anything to go by. Not everyone gets a bullseye bite either.

My legs keep going numb. The week before last I collapsed for no reason. I went to sit down and my legs went from under me. I was exhausted I had only just got up, had a breakfast and a shower and needed to sit down again my legs were wobbly. This was worrying.

I got an appointment for Monday last week. I sat with my work coach who told me I looked so ill. She told me I wasn’t fit for work and she doubted I could be through the day let alone an interview. I told her I would see the Dr that afternoon. I asked for the test and told the doctor my concerns. He agreed it sounds like you have Lyme Disease we’ll send you for it. You’ll need time to get better, at least six weeks and you need plenty of rest.

My hands are failing me. I couldn’t do my partner’s shoelaces up for him. My hands just wouldn’t work. I couldn’t get the lid off the open coffee jar the other day. I keep dropping things.
There are days when I can’t remember what I wanted to say, mid sentence I am struggling with the end of it. I have pain in my head it is fuzzy. Not all of every day but it is unlike me. I have had spasms in my head, the electric noise comes and goes and a flicker in my eye.

My joints are all clunky just like the middle of a damp winter they feel inflamed and sore.

Last night the numbness in my right leg travelled all the way up it.

The other night I felt that I might be having a stroke. I lay in bed panicking in fear in case I couldn’t move, slowly things did again and I calmed down.

What would happen if I did? How would my partner cope? What would he do with everything in the loft? He can’t even get in the loft!

I went into the loft the other day for a while, I am trying to start thinning out the huge amount of things we have amassed in readiness for a house move. Going through the boxes I started to make a map of the loft so that thing will be able to be found. 

Horrible thoughts and nightmares fill my nights at the moment. It feels like another massive change in my life which is beyond my control. 

Is my fate in the hands of another? 

If I couldn’t walk how would I get around my current home? Would we ever be able to get back to our home in Scotland, fix it up or live there again? What happens if I become incapacitated suddenly? Or worse still had a stroke leaving me unable to speak or write. There is so much in my head I have to find an outlet for it. 

I have read so much about this disease in the past few days and yet barely scratched the surface of it. I have read that if left untreated for any length of time there are things that can be irreversible. There is a threat of seizure, facial paralysis, people are unable to drive.

I must admit that the thought of just any one of these things being temporary let alone permanent scares the wits out of me. At the moment there have only been days when I wouldn’t dream of getting behind the wheel when I can barely stand up. There are other days I have ventured out and have had to Steel my nerves and shakes before getting back in the car, gathering myself and taking pain killers. 

In the past few months I have become much more reliant upon others to help me with things where previously I had been fairly independent. But it worries me that if there is no one available to help, because they have their own lives to lead. What happens if there is no food in the fridge and I can’t get out to get it. Or prescriptions that are needed for either of us. What if we cannot walk our boy anymore.

Just how bad can it get?

There are so many unknowns and I am trying not to let my imagination run wild. I am trying to be strong about it. Not needlessly worry my already very stressed partner who will be having more surgery this month. He asked me the same question last night. I don’t know the answers. We were walking the dog it was the wrong place to talk about it. I began to read some of the things that could happen out to him last week, he asked me to stop. He couldn’t cope with knowing so where does that leave me?

At the moment I do not have the results of the tests, as my partner said yesterday this is like the longest wait ever but we are all pretty sure that is what this illness is. If they confirm this on Wednesday then the meds start and let battle commence.
I was thinking over the weekend, I wonder if this has been going on for much longer than since this May. My work coach said it first on Monday that I had been so ill for a long time now. I burst into tears. It was a shock to hear it. I remember a couple of years ago 2015 when we were in Scotland in August that year. I was bitten by something we thought it was a horsefly then. It was an enlarged bite and I reacted really badly to it, was in. We for a few days as I felt so ill. I can’t remember much else about it except that my partner had to drive me to a chemist in the nearby town for anti histamine tablets and hydrocortisone cream which I used for about a fortnight after. It occurred to me that if this was an infected tick bite back then it could (just could) be the cause of some of the last two years of medical problems. 

I guess I have no way of knowing for sure we will have to take each day as it comes and just deal with whatever it throws us as usual. 
God give us strength.

There didn’t have the results yet I couldn’t wait and asked for antibiotics. I am taking them and feeling still worse. I spent Saturday in bed and I haven’t left the house for two days. I have joined a Lyme discussion group on Facebook to try and find ways to ease the symptoms. So far this illness is scaring me, I am trying daily to rise above my fear.