Upon reflection.

Upon reflection, all in this life game.

I think of you so often and will never be the same.

Reflecting on the tears of joy and those of sorrow

And hoping for a sign and yet a much longer tomorrow.

Love was what you brought to us, it’s there for all to see,

That this is what you gave to all now I have clarity.

The friendships now rekindled, that once were dead and gone,

From every path of life they walked and joined us in the throng.

Flowers and written tributes, for a faithful friend

and later on we hope in time that our hearts will mend.

The feathers all around us, sent from you to say,

That you are never gone from us, for you will always stay.

Emotions up and down the tears we often cry,

Reminding us that we love you as we fought to say Goodbye.

But my dearest brother don’t worry as this is not the end.

Your message carries on here, filled with love you send.

Change is often painful as we reset the pace.

Friends will be around us, locked in our embrace.

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My Brother.

When your world’s outpouring grief,

There’s no relief.

While the grief has just begun,

I feel so numb.

Where I think of what is left,

I feel bereft.

Nerves are buzzing, feel the pain

My memories remain.

Where does all this come from,

Because your gone.

Never again to return,

My eyes burn.

There with me right from the start,

Piece of my heart.

As I’m reeling from the loss,

Can’t count the cost.

As my life enforced this change,

It feels so strange.

There’s no distance near or far,

Small shining star.

Never again to hear your voice,

I have no choice.

Feeling raw and very blue,

Because of you.

Shattered dreams are torn apart,

New course of life to chart.

Which direction to navigate,

Things so highly I will rate.

Back in a moment filled with your joy,

Our beloved and cherished boy.

No longer here to hold my hand,

Can’t begin to understand.

Why you had to go away,

And couldn’t stay.

My loss is heavens gain,

It’s such a shame.

Despite it all it’s safe to say,

You did it your way.

You lived life fast, enjoyed the ride,

Now the pace has stopped I want to hide.

But life will go on and yet besides,

Can’t find release where pain resides.

Silent prayer to the one your soul to keep,

Whilst I sit and weep.

My brother and my very first friend,

It’s not the end.

Distraction

The momentary distraction,
of sitting on a train,
in pain.
The people that surround me,
living out their lives,
it thrives.
Working, Dreaming, Sleeping.
the memories spring to mind,
not weeping.
A thought or treasured memory,
unjust circumstances in time,
not feeling fine.
Anger and frustration,
While in grief from sudden loss,
Now life has changed forever,
As I stop to count the cost.
That interesting point in the middle distance,
to fix my eyes upon.
The horror and realisation,
that he really is gone.

 

Angel Wings

070818 Angel Wings.

As we sat in the park,

Nature all around us, shoes off, feet on the ground.

I noticed it.

The angel waving from the other side.

Playing with the children.

It’s wings flapping up and down.

Vying for my attention.

Trying to send it’s message.

Look closely and you will see.

So much is sent to try us.

You can get through this.

You are loved.

We sat on the grass,

In shock for what had happened.

Events of the day and before.

Emotions raw and anger creeping in.

And Breathe…

Letting it out.

I tried to remain calm.

The voice of reason in crisis.

We talked, all of us three.

Unintentional but despite the distance,

You’d always join in somehow.

A perfectly placed signal just when it was needed.

Reassurance, holding my hand.

I noticed a single white feather.

Then another and another.

And all around us a circle of them had fallen.

In case we hadn’t noticed.

Surrounding us with love.

Your love will last forever.

No one will take it away.

This Little Bird…

This little swift.

I call her Lazar,

This little bird,

sits on the wire,

alone.

Her mate gone,

he flew to the light and did not make it.

I found him a week later.

We together mourned his parting,

I was too late to save him.

But she returns,

sits there night after night,

in the warm and dry,

blinking when the light goes on.

A little chirp, when I say Hello Little Bird,

I will not harm you, you are safe here.

Morning comes,

she flies off to do her duty,

her babies are calling.

She disappeared the other day,

I was worried for her safety,

then she appeared and circled my head

proudly showing off her babies.

All by herself,

and there they all sat on the telegraph wire

singing their hearts out.

Person in Progress

via Daily Prompt: Toxic

Not to put to fine a point on it, most of the last year or two has been toxic in alot of ways. It has not gone well, besieged by illness and tormented by the past and situations which I felt powerless to change.  But underneath it all, little did I realise that actually I was changing. We are ever changing and sometimes, it creeps up on us and whacks us over the head with the proverbial hammer. Sometimes it needs to.

I needed to change, so many things.  My self-destructive thinking, my approach to people always thinking that it was my job to make them like me and getting awfully disappointed and even upset if they didn’t. My attitude to myself and general way of thinking. I had to stop taking things so personally, but the trouble with being an empathetic soul means that unless you take time to protect yourself, then it feels as though it is all on you, your responsibility to make things better for others, to listen, to advise etc, etc. Sometimes it is just too much to cope with.

Then someone wonderful sat me down for a little talk, well actually a lot of talks over quite a long period of time. She told me that I was a nice person, (I have always tried to be) that I am loved and that people should be proud to know me and work with me, that I am an inspiration and encouragement to others and if they didn’t like me, then it was their problem and not mine.

That last bit, I have to admit was a bit of a thunderbolt. I don’t think that I was equipped to deal with it at the time, but it was nice to hear it.  But there it sat, at the back of my mind for months and months.  Slowly over time, I began to view myself differently, I looked at the things that I could do, the ways that I could help people and even in some small way, I decided that if people didn’t like me, then that was it. I wasn’t going to beat myself up trying.

This was a sign of a new me emerging.  I also found my usually reserved thoughts, creeping out, when someone made me angry, or sad, or hurt then I became vocal about it. I occasionally swore, whereas the previous me would have done almost anything to avoid this, I have become more like my siblings who don’t hide their emotions. It didn’t always make me nice to be around, but as time has gone by, I have been fighting invisible illnesses which people do not understand and trying to keep a brave face.  Sometimes the cracks show.

I have looked into myself, rediscovered my spirituality, things that make me tick, instincts which I have long neglected to follow, recognition of things that I know to be true.  I have looked at alternative ways to heal physical ailments. Having been let down by medics who are supposed to help, left out in the cold I decided that it was not good enough and would look at alternative therapies, return to reflexology and homeopathic remedies in the hope that it would start to make a difference and slowly it did. Little steps, bit by bit I began to change.

I have consciously tried to regain my confidence that had been ripped from me by the people who tore away at me. By the circumstances which have caused havoc in my life lately and by the grief caused by the loss of loved ones.

But, I am still the new me in progress. My eyes have been opened to so much in the past few months. The toxic people and relationships which I have had to sustain in the workplace just to get along, are gone along with the job. I have found that by having time to work things out in my head and realise people for what they were has given me a better understanding of their behaviour.

I miss working, in the normal sense but I now realise that I don’t have to accept their bad behaviour any more. Lately I have been concentrating on getting my health back to normal and I am still a way off. I am less trusting of people now. I no longer take them at face value, I watch for the signs, body language and follow my gut feeling. As someone who was watching my back once said, “if something looks too good to be true, it usually is” the same can be said for people.

The environments that I had been around had become toxic, there was bad feeling all around me and it was making me more and more sick. Those of you who have followed the blog for a while will notice that some of what had been happening, or had happened in the past has been mentioned sometimes at length and this has been part of the process of healing from it. Fixing my mental health along with my physical health and finally I feel as though I have turned a corner.

I took time out from the norm, actively encouraged, (well pushed and shoved kicking and screaming would be more apt) to go off and take some time out, to see friends not knowing how my health was going to be in the future it was arranged for now. I was also encouraged to do things which caused happiness and to get creative, which I have been busy doing for a while now. In conclusion it has been exactly what was needed.

So have I rebooted my system, for want of a better phrase?  I hope so. I think I am becoming a different person and it isn’t just about growing up and being an adult. Time changes us, situations change us, relationships change us, so we remain ever-changing, evolving into hopefully a new improved version of ourselves, before we get to grow old disgracefully, having the time of our lives, surrounded by loving people who will miss us when we are gone.

When Loved Ones Revisit. 

I don’t know if you believe that loved ones who have moved on to another life visit you to remind you from time to time. I am a firm believer in this. The Robin who appears every day singing its little heart out on the hill whenever we are there. Who first appeared when we scattered some of Kato’s ashes in his favourite spot. It always comes to see us in front of the house, singing loudly to announce its arrival. This year it showed us its new baby, just as we did. We showed it ours and it returned daily whilst we were there. 
Yesterday was the year anniversary of my last accident. When a wonderful surgeon spent three hours stitching my face back together after going off duty. For which I will be eternally grateful. She did a wonderful job. Quite often you can barely make out the scars, the skin has healed very well. I am still working on the emotional ones. It takes time.

Then one year ago today we lost our beloved Kato. It broke our hearts a day we will never forget when we had to say Goodbye. We have been grieving for a year. Yesterday we were talking about him. We often do because we talk about most things and it helps us both. 

As we spoke of him suddenly we were joined in the garden by the most enormous and beautiful dragonfly we have ever seen it was four inches long and just as wide, you couldn’t miss it as it flew over us.

Now dragonflies are known as reminders of loved ones who have passed away.

The dragonfly swooped around in front of us both and swirled around our heads. Roki stood up and barked, which is unusual for him and went over to where it stopped to take a look. It landed on the honeysuckle right where Kato saved the baby bird by letting me know it had fallen from its nest and was trapped in the branches and made sure that I rescued it and set it free.

The dragonfly sat there for about five minutes. It was larger than life and close up it looked black and white with silvery wings. Of course it was. It embodied everything that Kato was in that sentence.

It made me quite emotional to see it. Touched by this thing of beauty. I went inside to get my phone to see if I could get a photo of it, it took a while to see it sitting there camouflaged in the bush but look closely on the middle of the bush as I did to get this photo and you will see it. After I spoke to it, it flew skywards. I prayed that it would have a safe journey and return to me. 

I am sharing with you again today my poem Butterflies and Dragonflies written last year, a short while after he passed away.

https://indiablue.co.uk/2016/09/03/butterflies-dragonflies/