Through Thick and Thin

They couldn’t get between us.
Through thick and thin we’ve stayed,
Don’t always make a fuss
We saw it when they’ve played.
When things are sent to try us,
And be sure they often will.
Just know that I am by your side,
However you may feel.
Sometimes things are too much,
they try to get us down.
But I know there’s a smile,
Which hides behind each frown.

 

I Knew It!

I knew it I just knew it.
That for once I had been right.
That decision had been made
We didn’t need to fight.
Agreeing both together,
In fact wholeheartedly.
That in the finest weather,
We could see the sea.
We stopped up here in awe
To admire the view
Found a space on the floor
A vantage point, so new.

The place was old and tatty,
Somehow the worse for wear.
They thought we had gone batty,
When we hoped we’d settle here.
As time marches onward,
Seven years have almost passed.
The trials we have shouldered
Certainly aren’t meant to last.

It wasn’t to be easy,
That we always knew,
But helpfulness was shown us,
By the brave and by the few.
Some thought we’d back down,
So that they could see us off
But we’re not foolish or a clown,
They didn’t think we’d be tough.

It seems as we say often,
“Life shouldn’t be this hard”,
Lets hope that it will soften
And our fortress we will guard.
We’re adamant that we,
Will just stay here around.
Holding on to what we have
And standing firm our ground.

On the Precipice, Life shouldn’t be this hard.

No, I’m not ready to jump or anything.  Although things have been pretty stressful lately,  (for that read at times unbearable) at times you feel as though you are reaching breaking point, when you are laying down to sleep and the dreams you have are past experiences, mixed with anxious feelings for an unknown future, it seems that all the fears and bad experiences are rising to the top again, the forefront of my mind and I hate it. Upon waking I know it is a dream but I do not want it to be the reality and I really don’t want to relive those aspects of my past all over again. On some such occasions, I tell my Mum, she agreed it was pretty horrible, but that I should acknowledge it as bad dreams and don’t accept it.

My future is not hanging in the balance, but despite my best attempts to leave my fate in the hands of the gods, or some higher power.  I find myself crying out on a far too regular basis that “Life shouldn’t be this hard!” feeling as though I am some forlorn child who is unable to cope with her life.  But it is not only I who feel this way, my partner also is struggling with why things are so difficult for us all of the time.  Some people in the past have suggested that we might be better going our own separate ways, that somehow we are bringing each other down.  But that is unkind, (the politest response that I can put here and a pretty messed up way of looking at things)  Anyhow, I can remember without rose tinted glasses that life wasn’t so fabulous before he came along either.

When one thing goes our way and we are overjoyed after, days, weeks, months of things going wrong.  Other people do not have to deal with things like this on an every day basis.  We really need a break and we are crying out for one.

If the angels are listening, please send some good our way, health, happiness, funds, or anything really to lighten the load.

via Daily Prompt: Precipice

Enthusiastic Woodsmanship, Or when enthusiasm outweighs experience…

(written the other week) A few hours ago my partner went out in the truck to get it looked at. It struggled to start. Conked out again and then he tumbled off down the hill in it. I thought that whilst he was out to keep my mind occupied I would do something useful.I put away slot of things and did the daily chores. Tidied up and put things away again. Everything gets dusty in this house, the slightest movement brings down dust and debris so it is an ongoing mission to keep things clean.
After the chores I got the chainsaw out since we always need wood and we had carried a lot of it down to where we cut it up. So I thought that I would make a dent in the pile. 

I have been cutting for an hour and a half. It’s a small chainsaw so is limited as to its use, however I can manage it. I cut and cut, the dog safely indoors out of the way.

I hauled the branches and logs from behind the shed doors where we had been storing them out of the rain. After an hour or so, I thought I’ll just do a little bit more. 

The pile I had cut growing rapidly. I hauled a branch out which was bring stubborn as I am and did the first somersault that I can ever remember. Straight over my log pile, I rolled on a few of them on the way down and winded myself, laughing at the silliness of it. I must have looked ridiculous. After thinking that was lucky that I didn’t hit my head. I’m sure the hard hat that I was wearing was a good idea.

Shaking myself off, I cut the last few branches. 

I have now hauled them into the woodshed and stacked them neatly in a new pile. We work our way through each one but these may take a little while to air.

Well. At least I have a different reason for the painkillers tonight. Somehow it feels as though I have earned them instead of taking them for annoying pain which doesn’t go away instead.

It may not look much to those of you who are used to this kind of work on a regular basis. But at least I have made some preparations and in time with more hours spent doing the same (without the tumble) it will mean that he doesn’t have to. I will sleep well tonight knowing that I have not sat on my backside wondering what to do next. 

I feel a small accomplishment of my own today. 

And I know that the muscles ached the next day. Craving a bath when there was not one available. 

Flicker


Flicker, Flicker burning bright

The darkened room with all their might

As they dance around and round 

A new flame burns to break new ground 

casting their shadows upon the night.

Not worrying what’s wrong, or right.

Moving round they twist and turn,

New shapes they’re making as they burn. 

Forged among the great and good

As firelight sears it’s way through wood. 

As faces shine with wonderment 

Stolen minutes or time that’s lent.

We warm the room before our bed

To rest a while the weary head.

Slowing the Pace 

DSC_009411/5/17

In the past week or so I have been thinking a lot. I’m told that my brain is fluffy since we arrived. I do feel a bit more fluffy since I have arrived, less stressed about most things and I have caught up on my sleep at last. It is good for the soul being here. I am probably letting things wash over me where previously I might have worried about them. I don’t know if it is a good or bad thing I have only been worried about him. Lately he has been doing the worrying about everything else which is really bad for him. He is getting about 4 hours sleep a night and his health and brain is suffering doing himself physical damage because he is run down. But he is like a man possessed trying to get things done, as though his time is running out. I hope it is not.

We do not have an endless time here and will have to go back South for many reasons but he does not have to do it all now. There is time and there is no schedule up here. The summer is coming, we will make preparations for our next visit before we leave.

I have been in a fuzz on the full blood pressure tablets lately but really struggled with breathlessness when I have cut back to half, despite becoming fitter due to the hill walking. So although there has been less of the usual stress clearly my body is still letting me know it still needs that different pace and medication is slowing it for me.

I am two cups of coffee into the day before I can function but am sleeping so much. Knowing that Endometriosis can wipe out your energy reserves at the drop of a hat. I am still in pain but trying to work through it on most days, not overdoing anything just trying to do something constructive each day. It doesn’t help that our time clocks are way out of sync. We are getting to bed as it gets light whilst he drops off to sleep on the chair after dinner. I have trouble waking him up to get him to bed and by the time we get there we are hearing the dawn chorus. So half the day is gone by the time I rise. He leaves me to sleep and then resents the time it takes for me to get off the ground.

We are trying to raise funds here by selling off some of our excess items but there are not that many up here since the break in and the hardships that followed. We will do the best that we can in order to stay here as long as possible. We do not wish to return to our lives down South at the moment, they have caused so much misery and heartache in the past 12 months that I would rather have hunger and a very basic life here feeling safe and healthier than I have been in months.

I was walking the dog at 3am this morning. It was a beautiful full moon last night and the Farm track was lit up, bathed in its light with twinkling lights along the coast. It was almost silent, but for the small animals in the hedgerows.  During that short walk, everything seemed totally right with the world. I felt true happiness in an instant. I could have happily walked across the hills for miles. No one around, alone with the dog and my thoughts. Silent from argument and cross words caused by pain and stress, the worries washed away in the moonlight. I loved the outlines of the tress around in the woods that surround us here. The bull in the field that we visit every day, slightly surprised to see us and snoring gently by his barn.

We were totally at peace there in the moment. Whilst I walked along hoping and praying for a small miracle to enable us to stay here and calm our souls some more. It struck me that here in the darkness, I felt totally safe as though it was the most normal thing in the world to wander the hills in the dark at that hour. It was truly invigorating. I noticed that for the first time in months, I do not feel depressed. For someone who has battled with this depression for a few years now, it seems as though being up here has lifted a huge weight from my mind for as long as I am here.  It makes me wonder if a more permanent move would be better for us all instead of the back and forth.

When the weather is warm and we have just enough to get by, then we are extremely happy up here. A little left over would be a godsend. I worry about lack of contingency funds. Since the truck has played both of us up in the past week and we are several miles from shops for supplies.

As he heads off out today, the truck has struggled again to start. There is muck in the fuel lines we think from when it ran out of fuel and it is causing us real problems. The tank is full and there is fuel cleaner in there but it is still threatening to conk out at any moment which is an extra concern we really don’t need. A return from the mechanic and it seems that it might be something more an auto electrical problem, here’s hoping they can get it fixed.