The way I was.

I look like me but I’m not the same, a subtle change.
That catches me out from time to time I find it’s strange. 
Over time there’s been a subtle shift, 
I’m wondering, Do you catch my drift?
The person I was wasn’t built to last.
I look back at her now she’s in the past.
There’s a glimmer sometimes of who she was. 
And I think of her fondly just because.
Way back then she was so naive. 
Who she trusted and chose to believe.
Lessons learned the hard way.
They had their fun, yet continued to play.
Others may take it in their stride. 
There’s fight or flight, or run and hide.
I had no choice I was made to run.
Not sure of the person I was to become.
Spent such a long time wracked with pain, 
Realising my loss had been their gain.
She thought they might just see her as weak.
Can’t quite cope with cruel words they speak.
Situations that put her to the test.
To fix them all she did her best.
When her best wasn’t good enough. 
Was when things started to get rough.
The old me used to be so jolly, 
But the past has left me melancholy.
There once was a time I’d just get drunk, 
Lighten the mood get rid of the junk. 
Realising that I couldn’t keep the pace.
Beat a hasty retreat to save face.
Wouldn’t join their club, didn’t have the fee.
That wasn’t the person I was meant to be.
Life carries on we will get by, 
Try as I do I still can’t touch the sky.
So far away and out of reach it looks so near,
But I can see it from standing here. 
There are sometimes I think of death,
But then I always catch my breath.
Some days it gets me I feel the fear.
It is there still bright and clear. 
There are moments in time that I can touch.
And others when it just seems too much. 
When sadness overtakes it all, 
Did I set myself up for a fall?
Queen of the castle will I be crowned?
Over my kingdom all around.
The chances to fulfil my dreams, 
Are often such a way off, or so it seems.
Before you walk you must learn to crawl.
Wondering will I ever be standing tall? 
I note down the things I’d like the most, 
Have I missed the party or am I the host?
So many metaphors in my mind.
Have to silence the noise it’s too unkind.
The doubts that linger in my head, 
When I am tired and filled with dread.
One negative thought will wheedle its way, 
Like spirochetes which sit and stay.
Morphing again into something new, 
Attacking just the unlucky few.
They get into the blood and make you sick, 
Before you know it it happens so quick.
Maybe someone will throw me a rope.
But for now there’s always hope.
Depression of such magnitude. 
Pardon me I’m not being rude.
Withdrawn to myself I shut me away, 
Overthinking it all night and day.
But just when I think I’m ready to drop.
A brief respite willing it to stop.
It’s not so easy to be positive.
When this is how you’ve had to live.
Now I try to think thoughts so pure, 
To see if it helps but I’m not sure.
Some of the experts highly rate 
To quiet be calm and meditate.
But I’m not calm as there’s constant noise, 
When Girls will be girls and Boys will be boys.
So as I grow up and begin to age, 
I thought I’d cleanse my space with sage. 
Herbal infusions take me from the brink, 
And lavender to help me think.
To ease the mind and bring clarity. 
Open my eyes and help me see.
Rising early morning I see the sun,
The change in me again has begun.
So rather than leave me vexed, 
I’ll embrace the me that I’ll be next.
Divine intervention from above.
The new me I will learn to love.

Intricate dreaming.

It’s happening again, the broken sleep, the intricate dreaming.

Woven stories with such a huge amount of detail that it feels I am not sleeping at all, but reliving a moment in the past, except that it can also feel like the future.

Things that I should know, are laid out before me.  As clear as day.

Unrecognisable places where my life is unfolding.

People who seem to know me, where I am a part of their unknown life.

Like the ghost of Christmas past has visited and gone, is this the present and the future all rolled into one?

There is such clarity, a picture in time, just there. No explanation of it.

No voice to tell me why.

Or a statement of fact or truth, like a lightning bolt, waking me from slumber, forcing me to sit up and take note. Literally.

Sometimes, I am able to return to sleep, much later on in the night. Then I go back to dreaming the same dream, the same people the story growing as the night continues. I awake and can relive these dreams over and over, remembering the minutest detail once I am up for the day.  Sometimes I feel that I don’t want to be there at all, not with a part to play or even as a bystander. Sometimes the subject matter concerns me so greatly that sleep is gone for the rest of the night and I am perturbed or upset.

Occasionally I just awake with a different feeling, as though something has changed its course and I am unable to do anything  about it. I merely have to accept the new direction and go with the flow.

And in my waking hours things have also changed. There are skills that were previously hidden from view suddenly out in the open. Improvement in my mathematics, mental arithmetic and that is a first for me. Also painting and drawing that actually looks like its meant to. Recognisable artwork, just because I have tried a new technique I’ve seen or a different medium.

Things like I have experienced some sort of awakening to the real me. The feeling that nothing is impossible and I just have to try and it will all pan out. Perhaps the universe is finally working in my favour. Teaching me how to be better or stronger, preparing me for some unknown.

Image from Morguefile.com

In My Dreams Sometimes… – Part 3 I Paint.

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Ever the artist, sometimes I paint
Beautiful images, starting feint.
Starting out with something raw,
Time goes slowly as I draw.
There an image starts to appear,
It may take a month or even a year.
But once it is there, there it remains,
A memory or moment it just frames.
And as more colour or depth of field,
The picture growing it starts to yield.
More of me than I thought now,
I don’t even really know how.
Put down on paper there on a page.
The hands still paint at any age.
And I can create a beautiful thing,
Ignore the telephone starting to ring.
Incorporate nature and beauty,
It is my right and not my duty.
For mind over matter is often the cure,
Medicine for the soul I am sure.

By way of explanation, these three poems came about literally as I awoke from the first dream. As I wrote it, I then thought about the other dreams I often have about the things which I can do so much better in my dreams than in reality. It spurs me on at least to attempt the new things from time to time or revisit the old to see if I have made any improvement. If at least it provides encouragement to follow them now and then, then it is worthwhile to continue to dream.

Image: Morguefile

 

In My Dreams Sometimes… – Part 2 I Swim.

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This is Part 2 in the series of three poems on a theme.  The first was posted yesterday.

In my dreams I sometimes swim,
Not worried about falling in.
No water swallowed or in my ears,
I dive under have faced my fears.
The perfect line, I’ve learned the strokes,
Just like some of the other folks.
No saltwater taken to drink,
Jumped right in, didn’t stop to think.
Graceful movements from A to B,
No concern of drowning at sea.
As I know I’m on the right course,
No one to answer to, no recourse.
On the horizon I set my track,
Once out there’s no turning back.
No worry that I’m out of my depth,
As I swim the length and breadth.
Strength and courage spurs me on,
I turn around begin my return.
I float in the water I look at the sky,
Not what I thought I’m my minds eye.

Image: Morguefile

In My Dreams Sometimes… Part 1 I Dance.

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This is the first of a three part series of poems on a theme. I wrote them all together as verses, however it seemed a little long so I thought why not make them into 3 parts.

In my dreams I sometimes dance,
As I would if I’d had the chance.
Standing around they begin to laugh,
No chance for me to choreograph.
It is my turn, I begin to stand.
No one there to take my hand.
So what happens if during it all,
A wrong turn I drop or fall?
As I spin my world around and round,
A moments’ freedom that I’ve found.
Upon my axis, steps I learn,
Acceptance is what I yearn.
The first audition, I take the stage.
This can be fun at any age.
My limits show in this performance,
As though life depends on it, I dance.
My efforts rewarded with a frown,
As though I am some sort of clown.
My inexperience will always show,
To professionals in the know.
But one is out there standing still,
Smiling back and enjoying the thrill.
He sees in me what I thought I could,
It didn’t really matter if I should.
I dance the bar and learned the steps,
It seems I should have no regrets.
He turns to me and begins to say,
You took a chance didn’t throw it away.
You danced your heart out, your own take.
In your own way and you weren’t a fake.
Although applause are barely audible,
I find your efforts were laudable.
There’s something there, you’re a natural
But this was a dream, it’s not factual.

Image: Morguefile

I’m Alive!

I am relieved to have some sleep on the second part of this journey.

We passed by Bengalaru and Goa and Colombo and have been crossing the sea. As we travel I am thinking of these places, wondering what some of them are like. I never studied geography at school, I foolishly thought that I would never get to see the world. Dreams and ambitions were not to be encouraged and neither were flights of fancy. Curious as to what I would see and experience at ground level. I make a mental note to look such places up later and find out more about the wonders of the world in which we live. We have Drawn level with places named Nikitin Seamount and Investigator Ridge which are on our right whereas to the left of us are Phuket and Singapore A short while ago we crossed the equator and suddenly the blue hue that has been with us for many hours changed.

I ventured along the plane to see what the outside looked like. A wonderful skyscape there before me, like icebergs silently moving by amidst the blue waters below. But here we are above the clouds. It plays tricks upon the mind, as though you have seen something entirely different. I take photographs not only to savour the memories and moments but to paint such things later on.

I knew that I would be making memories on this trip. I am visiting beloved friends who I dared not hope to see so soon, after all they emigrated to the other side of the world. Normal people don’t get to go and visit.

I wanted to show my Mum and my Dad these pictures. I took video as well. It reminds me of a very early memory I have as a child, when my father showed us slides on a projector of his flight to Italy in an aeroplane, there were a lot of photographs of clouds. At the time I did not understand the magic of being above the clouds. But as I have grown up, it is something that I have grown to love. I have no fear of flying just anticipation and joy at the new things I get to see along the way.

As I did on the other flight at what looked like sunrise to me. I am utterly confused and have just witnessed the most beautiful sunset and have been basking in its glory. As I glanced out the window It looked just like God’s feet are sticking out from the heavens reminding us that he is higher still than we can even imagine. It is about 7.30pm wherever we are currently travelling past. Touched by it’s beauty I am overcome with emotion as this part of the world our sky is plunged into darkness. I feel totally alive. I hope that I never forget the feeling of being up here travelling at 37000 feet and cruising at almost 600 miles per hour. The sun as it breaks through some hours from now and the clouds again look like a swirling seascape of surf underneath us. Looking as though we are barely moving but being transported on cloud nine, my new experience has definitely begun. What a wonderful way to experience a rebirth, to recognise that the future is going to be different and better and fun and I will embrace whatever energy I have to experience whatever I am able to.

This is such a gift for which I will be forever grateful and indebted to he who loves me and decided that I should go now whilst I am still young enough to enjoy it.

In the words of Nina Simone which ring around my head “It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me and I’m feeling good.”

We have reached the halfway point on this leg of the journey as we head onward past Jakarta and towards Australia and all the treasure that it holds.

Such Excitement

Such excitement I can hardly breathe.

If you wish hard enough and do believe.

Then all the bad luck we’ll rearrange.

And things at last are going to change.

That it really will come right in the end.

Thanks to my dearest on whom I depend.

He’ll embrace my heart to follow my dreams,

To make things happen and set the scenes.

Of adventures to happen in this life,

After all the trouble and strife.

The trip of a lifetime, a far off place.

He’s there in my heart and back I’ll race.

To tell him of the places I’ve been,

And all of the wonders I have seen.

To share with my love my stories and cheer

Of all the new things that I hold dear.

Things that he pushed me to achieve

At times my aching heart will heave.

To not have him there right my my side

My hand to hold my journey to guide.

But even though he’s there at the start.

We’ll never feel we’re really apart.

To head off alone can fill me with dread,

But I’ll always hear his voice in my head.

To leave him here I do feel mean,

But he’s sending me off to fulfil a dream.

So when time is done and this Earth I leave.

My life lived and travelled I do believe.