I am honoured to be nominated for The Sunshine Blogger Award.

A wonderful surprise, I have been nominated by Pazlo Armchair Zen – Nomination for the Sunshine Blogger Award.  It’s a first for me and I am feeling honoured to have been asked. It has taken me longer than I thought to be able to do this. I hope that I am able to do it justice.

sunshine-blog-award

Rules of the Sunshine Blogger Award:
Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog.
Answer the eleven questions set by the person who nominated you.
Nominate eleven other blogs and give them eleven questions to answer.
List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post.

The questions set by Pazlo:

How do you come to be a blogger?

I was advised by my counsellor, to take time out and do something for myself once a week and since I had been missing my creativity, she told me that I should nurture it.  I had written poetry and had a keen interest in photography which needed to be rekindled. Having begun to write poems again, I looked at how I would get them out in the open and felt that a blog was a good place to start.

Tell us a bit about where you live.

My time is currently spent between the the East Coast of Scotland where I spend my time in a rural and derelict cottage and the South of England, where I have a small bungalow. Both are coastal locations and are enjoyed in totally different ways. Scotland is my sanctuary, where I go to replenish my soul.

What other creative talents or outlets do you have, besides your blog?

I love photography and making things, and have a good eye for detail.

If you could send a text to everyone in the world simultaneously, what would you say?

Please can we have Peace?

How would you describe humankind to an alien that knows nothing of humans?

Interesting creatures, in all shapes and sizes and a mass of contradictions.

What, in your opinion, is the most important or valuable invention of modern man?

It’s a relatively simple answer for me. Travel, in it’s many forms which has brought the world closer together and opens up so many opportunities.

What attributes of your favorite season do you most admire?

Sun, Sea and Air with bright colours all around.

What is your earliest childhood memory?

Of a Bright blue painted upright piano with flowers all over it.  I was convinced that it was in our house and was devastated to be told years later that we had gone on holiday when I was about 18 month old and been in a concert hall somewhere and that was where I had seen it.

In what ways do you now differ from the person you thought you’d be when you were a teenager? 

I don’t have the biological children or the financial security that I was sure I would have by now.

Who has been an inspiration or hero in your life?

My Partner, who has been by my side through thick and thin and is my rock.

If you could be a different species, what would it be? 

I always thought that I would be a cat.  It would have to be a Tiger, since I have an inner strength that surprises me from time to time and I don’t like to be cornered.

My Eleven Questions

What inspired you to write publicly?

If you could pick one quote which describes you best, then post it.

Of the four elements, Earth Water, Fire or Air which would you be and why?

If you had never travelled abroad before and money was no object what is the first country you would go to?

What was the last thing you photographed?

Describe your perfect morning.

Animals or People, who would you prefer to spend your time with?

What motivates you?

If you had the perfect Christmas (or other seasonal holiday), how would it be?

Are you creative in any other ways other than blogging, if so then what is your passion?

If you were to describe yourself in one sentence to people who did not know you, what would you say?

Ana Linden Ana Linden

Phoebe Chi Musings of PuppyDoc

Ishita Lakra https://eddietaughtme.wordpress.com/

Truly Unplugged https://trulyunplugged.com/

Elaine https://firespiritblog.wordpress.com/

Gilly http://www.anythingexcepthousework.co.uk/

Lisa https://bloominuterus.com/

Len https://lenmoriarty.wordpress.com/

Shareen https://otvmagazine.com/

Rachel https://howtoprovide.com/

Alex https://septemberwriter.wordpress.com/

 

 

Tess https://tessblogsblog.wordpress.com/

 

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Christmas, The Holidays How are you spending them?

This was going to be my “Happy Christmas” post when I began it last week.

We are still enjoying or enduring the Holiday period here in the U.K. As we head now towards New Year. I am grateful for the fact that I am enjoying it.

This Christmas I knew would be vastly different for us and I honestly did not know how it would go. After the year that we have had it couldn’t help but be. It is the first one where we have not had Kato physically with us, he was here only in spirit. He entered my thoughts daily and although I looked for signs I did not see any. However I still felt that he was part of the family here enjoying Christmas morning together.

The past week we have been getting ready for the occasion and I have never felt so unready before. I went for a job interview the week before and it went well. I came out with such a positive feeling about both the job and myself and hoped that I may be offered one of the two positions they had spoken about. That weekend, my partner told me to call my friend who was emigrating this week and book a ticket to visit her. It was a wonderful thing to do, I feared that she would be too busy but she jumped at the suggestion. So I had a fabulous time with her and her family before they went, I came back having felt such love, I was on cloud nine.

On coming home I tried to fit in getting the house “Christmassy” but had only just enough money to get food and a few small gifts for family, so had to buy gifts wisely. Whilst my partner and I sold a few items, the people came to collect. The truck went this week, I didn’t feel stressed about letting it go. The relief that we would have funds for the shortfall again this month outweighed that.

It also meant that Hope, my Beautiful blue car has been brought out of the garage and I  able to drive her again for the first time in months again thanks to the assistance of friends who made sure that she was safe for me. I played Santa and delivered gifts and cards on Christmas Eve and got to see and hug another friend I have not seen this year.

So being broke has been the new norm for this past year along with so many other emotions. But as we end the year I can’t help thinking we have lost a lot of people. Not just the ones who are old, but the ones who are taken far too soon. When faced with this situarion, you cannot help but rethink how you wish your life to be as the new year approaches.

I did not hear about the job, but that did not stop me from applying for many more this week. At some point, someone will offer me one, when the time is right so I must trust that the right one will come along too. It felt like I have turned a corner being invited for an interview can do that to you. Lift you up spirits and all and make you concentrate on the positives.

However recently my partner has been ill, he is feeling very stressed out about making ends meet but it has all come together just in time and he is wondering where the next bit will come from, looking for things he can turn around for a little profit to keep our heads above water until that elusive job comes along. But his heart is heavy and it’s making him tired and he is in pain with the various health issues he has and damage to his body over the years. He has been told to take it easy by the doctor, but the doctor knows that he doesn’t know how. Which can be a bit of a cycle for him, it also makes me worry about him.

This Christmas we did not get fancy gifts for each other. He bought me something lovely when we were in Scotland in the Autumn and I have kept it for Christmas. I bought him something he needed, a pair of boots to keep him comfortable whilst we walk the dog together and our present to each other was our beloved Roki. For Birthday, Christmas and my Birthday. No other gift is necessary as we have the love and happiness that he brings us. We collected our new baby seven weeks ago and he is the family we craved to have again.

We awoke on Christmas morning and all piled onto the bed for a big family hug. The day was mild and bright and we made plans to go out and see it. I did not spend the morning wrapping gifts for others as I had in previous years. I had managed to wrap the few that I had bought and most had already been given by then.  We sat talking, played music and had a lovely breakfast of smoked salmon omelette which is an all family favourite. I thought about the big Meal that I would make later and planned to speak to my friend to wish her a safe journey.  Our Christmas Day was non eventful to the outside world but just right for us. We sent and received messages of good cheer to family and friends but to see the face of your child as you give him presents on Christmas Day was just the perfect way to spend it.

Our boy had two fleece blankets which were donated by the emigrating friend and he was so thrilled with them. He had a rope toy which I had given him a couple of days earlier when I had returned from my trip and a woven cloth toy, which in our house is known as “A wonderful fling to be flung” which my mother had made for him. He also had some treats and was so ecstatic that he didn’t know what to play with first. So he just decided to pick up as many as he could at once, throw them all into the air and then roll on them. He is happy. I sent a message to his old family Thanking them for the most wonderful gift to us and received a touching response.

It was late evening by the time I had prepared and cooked our Christmas meal which meant we were up until very late and watching the films on the TV till the early hours. It didn’t matter so much. On Boxing Day I collected my brother and took him to our sister and her partner’s house for a feast. It was lovely, I haven’t seen any of them in months it was just nice to sit around and enjoy a meal, we also watched a funny film and laughed together.

They say it becomes different as you get older, but that is the true meaning of Christmas to us. We have love. We are not in Scotland for the first time in three years we have stayed at home. That in itself felt a little  bit odd but less stressful for me as I didn’t have to pack or travel Christmas week and it never quite feels like the holiday until you arrive at your destination.

My good intentions as to how we should spend Christmas did not come about, again we did not decorate the house for the occasion. My partner said it wasn’t important and we just ran out of time before the big day. This Christmas was about sharing Love and Time, after all who knows how much of it we have left, that was the most important thing and we achieved that.

So however you have spent yours and however you choose to spend the holiday time you have left, I hope that you enjoy it.

I want to Thank you for following my blog since I began in February, for the friendships that grow along the way and the support that you have shown me over the past few months.  I hope that we all continue on our journeys through the next year and find new inspiration, experiences to write about and I will enjoy hearing about yours.

The Daily Post – Festive

 Sisters

I am not talking about the ones you cannot choose the ones you are bonded to by birth and blood. Although I love her dearly, I am also lucky enough to have other sisters of my choosing. They are treasure to the soul and I am totally blessed to have known them and loved them.

For instance there is the girl who I have known since I was 18 months old and saw her moving in up the road, she has been a sister of mine ever since.  Sure over the years we have fought, when we were on our way to school with each other as small children, we regularly argued.  When I see or speak with her, time stands still, we are six again, chattering and laughing and always pleased to be around each other. When she went away to college and I moved away in our teenage years, I missed her so much. I am glad that I am able to see her and her family more often nowadays.

Then there is another lovely lady, with whom I have been through so much over the years. When we were 13 or 14 years old, we became blood sisters, you know where you are so close that a part of you wants to never lose that. You ceremoniously cut yourselves and say something like “your blood, my blood, our blood” and swear that you will be sisters forever.

We shared our first boyfriend, but that was not intentional, he was just a rat! We moved on from that and remained very close. Then a while later we lost touch for several years. During that time I honestly felt that a part of me was missing and I often thought about her, but did not know where to find her, or even if I should. I did not know if she would be the same girl underneath or even if she should be, but when we met up again and I met her wonderful family for the first time. It was as though no time had passed and they all were part of my family too. I am writing this as I think about the years since then and the fact that I am about to be parted from this family again as they emigrate to Australia on Christmas Day. Yes the other side of the world and wonder when I will see her again. Notice I say when, not if. You see I have a wonderful man who knows and loves me and makes things happen for me. He has driven across the countryside just to make sure that I see my friend whenever we are en route back to the South from Scotland. He knows that I will feel such loss when she is gone again, as I did before. So he has given me yet another wonderful gift. His Christmas gift to me is that yesterday told me to call her and tell her I was going to visit her and her family before she leaves next week and I am heading off on the train to see them all for a couple of days. I am so thrilled to be able to do this. We are looking forward to walking those hills together and her showing off the sights in her pretty part of Yorkshire. 

Her children when we last visited said that they would like to see me for Christmas so I have sworn her to secrecy and will just turn up at their house to surprise them. We are all excited about this unplanned visit as it was beyond my wildest dreams to see them all again since they weren’t able to visit us.

I have a treasure that is priceless. It is the people who surround me with Love and I am truly blessed and grateful.  

The Daily Post – Treasure

To Those Who Are Getting Help. 

This is a bit of a follow on Post from the other day about CBT When Those Three Letters Mean Totally Different Things and when it’s just time to Breathe!

Someone very dear to me and whom I haven’t seen for some time had told me that they are getting help to work through their issues. I am so happy for them since although I love them it has been really hard for me to stay away but I had to for my own good. I didn’t want to be hurt again. So this is kind of like an open letter to them and others seeking some answers from within who have decided to speak to a professional.

First of all, I am proud of you. Now if you don’t know me personally then you might say, so what! But, down the line if you get to thinking have I done the right thing? Trust me if anyone is proud of you then it helps. The first step is to recognise that there is something you need to sort out and by seeing a counsellor then you may find that you understand better and can help control the emotions that wreak havoc.

Secondly, if you get past the group therapy of a CBT course and feel you need to see a counsellor one to one you are going to feel emotionally exhausted once you start talking. The process of opening up and talking about your innermost thoughts is going to hurt like hell so you are going to need some pretty tough people around you as you act like a child from time to time and let it all out, which is totally normal and part of your healing from whatever you are going through. You will release whatever is inside and the way it comes out may surprise you. Leaving you thinking Who is this person I fail to recognise? 

After your sessions, take a walk on your own. Sit in the car for a while, take some time for yourself to calm down before you drive home. If you like me felt sensory overload then you might also want to escape afterwards. But although you may want to flee the scene, for goodness sake do not drive when you are emotional if you can avoid that since you are most likely to lose concentration which could cause an accident. I used to sit in the car for about half an hour, do something like check my Facebook or text my friends and family or call them before heading off and then I used to just drive.  Go and find something beautiful to look at somewhere, or feel the wind on your face for a while.

I was also advised to Do something for yourself, just you every week, then every day. Just one small thing can make a huge difference when you are running around after everyone else. For me it was to become creative again and write whenever I can. I still come up against obstacles when someone would rather that I did something else. But I am hanging on to this one thing for me although it began as a small part of my therapy. It has become so much more.

At the end of it all you may feel a bit lost and wary of people since you have opened your heart and mind to a relative stranger and are still pretty raw. So take time to heal your mind, body and soul. If you can, during this time try to avoid getting drunk or high (if either of those are your thing) since you may feel differently to how you were before and may not actually recognise the person you are becoming.

It will take time so allow yourself that. Good Luck on your journey and when change begins to happen for you, however hard this might be, embrace it. You never know what might happen. Remember that there is a future out there and you have a part in it.

A Recipe for Love?

A short story. 

It was strange, there was a time when she thought that she may have loved him.  They had been around each other for a while. As friends, she liked his company, they laughed easily together. It was all there in the mix, the mutual and intense physical attraction. They Cooked meals together, drank wine, made love easily and talked freely. They had pastimes and interests which intermingled. They met quite regularly back then, so one day she summoned the courage to ask him whether he would ever see her as anything more than an affair. Perhaps in a bid to elicit feelings which were not really there, to find out whether they could be anything more, she swallowed her pride and broached the subject one day while he was getting ready to go.  They had fun, the memories of that would stay with her for a while, there were fireworks and chemistry, but he did not want any more. Maybe the time just wasn’t right for them. She had to ask, if her feelings were reciprocated then this could be a turning point for the relationships thus far. She wondered what she was doing wrong then she would know for sure which direction to take.

Although it wasn’t really meant as an ultimatum it suddenly seemed so. So that was it. He had decided that he wanted something different. A short while after that, she changed her social circle and found work in a different town. There was someone new and she moved on with her life not wanting to prolong or encourage the torture of his rejection. It was obviously just not meant to be. She was disappointed so did not go out of her way to see him, or frequent the places where they had been previously. She never found out whether it was love or not. But settled on a fondness for the time that they’d had. Some memories remained, good ones, they could have been much more, but she would keep the memories and occasionally they would make her smile.  She didn’t hold it against him, she was young, probably erratic at the time, she may have been too much of a liability, but she was certainly not what he was looking for.

It was strange when years later, she would suddenly look up as she drove past his place.  She remembered that he had a beautiful apartment where you could watch the sunrise from the bedroom its light bathing the space and welcoming the day. The window seat overlooking water and listening to the gulls flying overhead. A place where the sunsets warmed the skin and the soul. She often did that with people she knew though, look for the places which were familiar to her. Was it also odd when she would hear from him all those years later and he would send a message that said, “I looked for you once, without success, assumed that you had married and changed your name. I can’t believe that our paths never crossed again. I have good memories of our time together, as short as it was.” 
She smiled as they chatted online for a while.  Like old friends, just as they had been really.  They knew some of the same people although she hadn’t seen them in a while it always was a small town. She’d grown over those years, any person would it had been so many. She felt no bitterness, or remorse for what could have been and yes things could have been different but after all had been and gone she was happy. He had been married after it ended. Since divorced and now had a football team of grandchildren to be proud of. She hoped that he was happy again too now. 

The Daily Post – Elicit

 

In Gratitude 

In gratitude I sit

And remind myself of it.

Of all the things I feel.

How it reminds me that I’m real.

That I overcame the fear

And that I’m sitting here.

That I have a comfy bed,

Upon which to lay my head.

And friends to hold my heart,

Even when we are apart.

A family to hold me tight,

When I wake up wracked with fright.

Someone with love to bless,

Wouldn’t want for any less.

Thankful hear my call.

For the Gratitude in all.

A Familiar Pain

As I read posts here and there about women going through the endless quest for a child, I cannot help but feel their pain and the suffering they are going through. All those memories suddenly returning of being hopeful that this was the month when my period would not appear early and the tightness in my abdomen and swollen stomach would mean something other than an Endometriosis flare up. My heart goes out to these ladies every time that I read of their torture. There have been two such posts that have popped up on my news feed this week. I hope that those ladies do get their wish and are able to bring precious souls to the universe. I know that if they are lucky enough to do so that they will shower such love upon their miracle babies and praise the IVF treatments they put themselves through to get that longed for baby.

I do not have an IVF journey to share instead I tried everything that the Drs suggested just to try and be pain free and it wore me out. My partner had not expressed a wish for more children so when I was told that we would be eligible for one course on the NHS at a time when I could not have felt so ill equipped to deal with a pregnancy we had a big talk. He could see that I was ill and he told me that from his point of view he had everything he wanted, he did not need a child to be the icing on the cake. He was happy with me so I wasn’t under any pressure to bear children. I thought that when the Doctors told me at 17 that I wouldn’t have children had really done a number on me and I hoped that one day I would just prove them wrong. Alas it wasn’t to be. So as for IVF I would give up my chance and not pursue that route. It felt as though I would be trying to force nature and perhaps someone else would give their child better chances that I could not. You had to both want it so badly that you would go through everything to get there. I thought that I would have made a good parent, others told me that I would. I loved children and in the early adult years was everybody’s babysitter, a nanny and honorary Auntie to so many. There were a few occasions when I thought that I might be pregnant again. Periods were late, just by a few weeks which never normally happened, but then Mother Nature would play her cruel trick once again and I would be left quietly devastated.

I settled into the life we had and the pain of a condition along with multiple surgeries over the years and prayed a lot. That if it were right we would be blessed with a child and if not, then the pain would go away. Over time I asked about more permanent solutions since my symptoms were clearly cyclical and getting worse I was finally given the green light on a hysterectomy having fought to have one for several years. I was told that they didn’t want to do it as I was too young and had no children. They said it would be irreversible and force a medical menopause. I argued that having been told I would never bear children at 17 what were they waiting for, why prolong it any longer? I could have had a life and been pain free before now! Finally someone listened to me. A week before my 35th birthday I was scheduled for a hysterectomy and I thought that my Endo problems would be over. In my mind it really was a case of New Year New Me! The one thing that wasn’t explained was that even that could not heal the condition as it is incurable. Yes it could slow it down ease some of the symptoms but it could come back, as I would find out.

I was in surgery for several hours, they cut me about a lot and as my partner paced the hospital in the snow smoking and worrying about me, as they stopped the haemorrhaging he was glad that I had made it through. As I healed I felt that my life was truly about to begin. Full of hope, ambition and excitement for what might happen next. A healthy and happy future together pain free.

For a few years, I championed the work of the surgeon. I happily recommend him now to other ladies who need to see a specialist for the condition since he is the only Dr I have met who understands it. He had after all enabled my life to start given us me back. There was an Endometriosis support group at the hospital and I used to go there after the operation. I even did a talk and told my story there once. My partner was so proud of me. Prior to the surgery I had often had thoughts that I shouldn’t be here anymore, Endometriosis can do that to a girl,  it was usually when my hormones fluctuated uncontrollably. But then I thought that some people might miss me and they shouldn’t have to. My hormones had a lot to answer for!  It was a huge step to be able to speak there in public at that group and when people came up to me and told me that I inspired them it made the stage fright worthwhile.

I threw myself into my work, getting on with our lives together and for some time felt no pain. I went on HRT within 24 hours of the operation and have remained on this since. Opting for patches rather than tablets due to suffering with irritable bowel for all these years I did not wish to lose the benefit of the HRT. About 2 years went by I think before I started to get those familiar dragging pains back again and I remember asking how it were possible that you could get the same pain when you no longer had the equipment. No-one seemed to be able to give me a straight answer and by then I had been signed off as healthy by the gynaecologist. I also received a letter saying that I was no longer required for smear test screening since I no longer had my ovaries. (Yes they actually wrote that! ) I began to research how on earth I could be getting Endo pain again when I’d had a hysterectomy. In my naïveté I had assumed that that was it and I would be cured. I got on the hysterectomy association website again and checked the forums and to my horror my fears were confirmed. There is no cure! 

In all the appointments after a diagnosis which on average takes seven years, I did not ask. I merely accepted it when I was told by the consultant that “There is no sign of Endometriosis” after the operation at the time that sentence had me doubting my sanity more than I ever had before. I asked my partner had I imagined it all these years and gone through all that uneccessarily? Had the other Doctors got it wrong then? No, he reassured me that it simply meant that he had removed all traces that he could find at the time. So after that I was discharged from his clinic.

The Endo pain comes and goes, in times of stress it flares up along with the irritable bowel and my stomach swells making me look as though I’m pregnant, sometimes adding several dress sizes to my body overnight. It causes pain in the strangest of places and I have no idea whether it requires further surgery. After all, I wonder what else could they take away? Sometimes it is a chronic pain which doubles me up making me shake. Leaving me wanting me to hide away all I want to do is curl up and sleep for days. Other times I get by with rest and painkillers and there are times it stops me doing things that I would love to do. It has had a devastating effect on my sex life. I am not alone, so many other Endometriosis sufferers go through this. Far from giving me the freedom to enjoy sex more which I had hoped for, the hysterectomy was like flicking a switch on my libido plunging it into darkness  where I often can’t find the switch to turn it back on again. It’s devastating when two people who have always found each other the best thing since sliced bread with great chemistry are suddenly just not being turned on so much. We both felt cheated by this since no-one had forewarned either of us. Over the years since then our relationship has shifted and Thankfully we are strong enough to handle the ups and downs and can still light each other’s fires even though it may not be as often as before.

He told me years ago that if we did not have children of our own then we would raise puppies. Our second one since then has joined our family taking the place of the first one who left a gaping hole when we lost him earlier this year. For me that loss was like the miscarriage of my youth all over again. Having your baby suddenly gone can tear you apart as well as open up old scars. It took a while but we needed that unconditional love back in our lives so we lavish so much love upon the new puppy and he is happy here.

Whatever your circumstances. There are some wonderful support groups, on Facebook and other forums now. When I first went through this before my illness was diagnosed I was reliant upon libraries and a disinterested GP who was happy to palm me off, as is so often the case. I knew absolutely no-one else who had these symptoms so felt that there was no one to ask. Most of all you need to know that you are not alone. As a statistic one in 10 women suffer with Endometriosis but it is natural to doubt your own mind when your body is doing unexplained things to you. If you have chronic abdominal pain, or just that something is out of the ordinary with your body and it worries you then please ask your GP. Do your research via these forums and get a second or even third opinion. The social network is a good place to start but you do need to get it checked out by a professional.

If you are UK based and diagnosed or think you may be living with this condition then please take a look at the attached links Endometriosis.Org – Facts

Should you wish to connect with others in the UK please go to Endometriosis U.K. But other groups and locations are available worldwide.  Endometriosis Sisters Support Group – Facebook is  a place where you will find so many people who will inspire, encourage and advise you, based on their own experiences of dealing with this condition. You will also find lots of research articles via Bloomin Uterus Blog

You do not have to face this alone.