Release.

Suddenly awake again without warning. The thud of a heartbeat filled her ears just like the bass sound of music in a passing car. Thud thud thud thud. Her heart suddenly racing and she wondered why.

Looking up as her eyes grew accustomed to the surroundings she noticed the thin figure in the darkness leaning against the doorframe. As it often did but this time just standing there considering it’s next move.

As the dark figure loomed in the doorway, its shape changing with every breath she lay there wide eyed. As it began to head towards her she sent it away. Those all too familiar words, Be gone. You do not belong here. Just get out.

She wished that it would leave her alone. It was never a happy feeling, she didn’t trust it for she had felt its cold grip on many occasions as it grabbed at her, always waking her from her slumber. But she did not allow it to strike fear in her any more, it did not have that power, as time went on she was gaining strength again. It was just an annoyance that disturbed her.

So was it a dream? An annoying recurring dream, that changed and mutated along with the dark character, shifting its shape as she questioned her thoughts.

She waited…. the darkness left and with it, came a warm feeling from her feet through her legs like she had felt previously. Again it moved through her and as it reached her head it pounded. Lightheaded as though to be let out as the light danced around the room above her. Little flickers of blue and white, it was usually blue and white but occasionally red and green and yellow too.

The lights although barely visible swirled above her and danced around her, she wondered what they were. A trick of light perhaps her conscious mind thought, or had they some deeper meaning? Whatever their purpose she gained comfort from them whenever they were there. A warmth spread around her like a blanket of reassurance and she felt totally safe. Somehow empowering her along the way and equipping her for some unknown battle. Suddenly she let out her breath and as she did so a sound not dissimilar to a popping bulb and then she saw it, clearly above her in big white letters RELEASE

She took another deep breath and let it out the warmth spreading through her body once again a calm feeling took over as though a storm had passed her by. Some kind of lucky escape.

As she lay there willing her breathing to return to normal she thought about what had happened and wondered as to why. What was its message or purpose?

She grabbed her phone, looked at the clock 3.33am again what did it all mean?

Daily Prompt -Surreal

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All in a Blur

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This past few days have been a bit of a blur.

We have the news that my partner needs Major surgery imminently and has priority listing, we are waiting for a bed. His pre-op date has arrived within the week, it is soon.

It is almost like an altered state when I am outside looking in, except that it is happening around me. Lives going on, days going by, time passing elsewhere.

Waiting as though for something to happen. I feel dread, but know not what for. Just a sense of uncertainty on the air.

Perhaps some great change is out there and coming my way which will lift me out of this feeling. I am trying to remain positive so that whatever this is won’t bring me down.

The other day I had the first of my two long awaited appointments for different things. The hospital are going to do tests and scans, they really do want to get to the bottom of things.

A little fear creeps in, you know the nagging thought I hope that it’s not another hereditary thing. A bit like Hypertension but worse. No-one to my knowledge had Endometriosis in the family and Thankfully the line stops here from me. So far so good, my sister is Ok in that respect.

But this is not that, this is some old complaint, that hasn’t gone away,  over a period of time it has reared it’s head with new worrying symptoms. It could be related to the Endometriosis, which is the explanation I have given it until now. I talked frankly to my mother, about my beloved Grandmother and found out why she had to have a colostomy when she was young. Stage 3 Bowel Cancer with 8 weeks to live when they finally found out and operated. We worked out, she was in her 30’s. Younger than I am and she survived for about another 30 years. So there is hope. But I am scared suddenly and so is he.

The letter turned up the very next day, I had to book a SeHCAT Scan. The hospital don’t usually send thing first class post, he remarked.  That seems quick when I have waited six months to see the consultant and had symptoms for much longer. I called to book and have one in 2 weeks time. It comes under the “nuclear medicine” category. You have to take a pill, have one lot of scans and then return a week later for more.

There is pain that radiates through my nether regions daily at the moment and the Dog is extra cuddly, he is comforting me night and day should I worry?

I wake this morning, “what if I have the thing that I have been dreading?” Not the IBS which I have been living with for years but something else. Ever the practical one, the only thoughts going through my head being how would he cope with every day if I couldn’t do things? I will have to sort the loft out, he can’t get into the loft. If we had to move then he wouldn’t be able to empty it if I’m not able to. If I was really ill, we would have to rely upon others going up there. It’s odd the things that go through your head. It’s been a strange week, filled with both pain and uncertainty.

via Daily Prompt: Blur Image: Morguefile

Well Here We Are….

So we flew in last night for a few days a little visit to Barcelona for my Birthday. Something else to tick off the bucket list. I am looking forward to getting out and about and us seeing some of the sights. Especially the Barcelona Pavilion by Ludwig Mies Van der Roe.

I must admit that on looking out of the window last night and being met by beautiful twinkly lights on a balcony opposite I thought, this looks nice and this morning I have apartment envy as there is a huge rooftop terrace which is rather lovely. One lucky man is wandering about on it with his coffee this morning.


Today we will get our bearings and tickets for travel and might save the Pavilion for tomorrow. We are tired today, the hotel is on a very busy city corner, so we were wide awake till 3am and didn’t sleep much after that either. I haven’t slept in a city for a few years now, it takes some getting used to. But I find that the first 24 hours we are always adjusting. It feels strange not being able to speak the language. My partner would be fine he used to live in Spain.

So as we wandered about for almost 8 hours of yesterday. We basked in Sunshine and blue skies on this fine January day, were serenaded by beautiful green parrots surrounded by fabulous architecture and surprises around almost every corner. My Birthday was wonderful. 

We are staying in the Gothic Quarter and it is a short walk to Port Vell which had some fantastic yachts in the harbour and a pirate ship!


It was the perfect day to wander along the quayside. 


My weakness is for the architecture and it doesn’t disappoint at all. Art Deco and Nouveau at every corner and beauty that jumps out at you. 

It was quite warm and the horses looked hot, we decided not to make them walk anywhere on our behalf. 

I had to photograph this Lion it reminded me so much of my Roki at home having a stretch.
In the late afternoon we were tired so stopped for some good food. After which we wandered around replenished and as we turned a corner of a side street were met with a beautiful sound. A man playing the violin in a square directly in front of the Cathedral all lit up and a full moon overhead. My phone had run flat earlier and I had switched it off and at that moment prayed for a photograph of what stood before me. I was blessed and got this one then listened to the music and went on my merry way. 


Although I had the grand idea of us dressing up for our meal out we were just too tired after walking all day so had coffee and cake late evening and went to bed.

Tempted?

Wanderlust…

I have often wondered what it would be like to travel the globe and see wonderful things, beings and cultures en route, however I have always held back.

When I was younger it was purely from a financial aspect, I couldn’t afford it.  But as we grow, there is more of the world that sometimes we want to see.

I have travelled a little bit, mostly around Europe since meeting my partner, prior to that I had one disastrous holiday in Tenerife, which was supposed to be “a no strings attached vacation with a friend”  Needless to say, that was not the case and I came home after a colossal row having felt pressured which rather spoiled the experience.

Since then, we have visited several regions within France, Belgium, Tunisia, Hong Kong, Poland and Copenhagen and of course Wales and Scotland. I know to some who are used to travelling it is a mere drop in the ocean, but to me it opened up the world of possibilities and inspiration.

Last week, I was visiting Spain, another on my wishlist of places on my bucket list which I am slowly ticking off as the years go by.  (Yes I do have them)

I had thought that I would post from the sun whilst I was there, but was too busy taking photographs and enjoying the experience to write about it. But as my head is now filled with new memories and things this and more are being posted upon my return.

The Daily Post – Tempted

Quotes for a New Year – Part 1

The Daily Post – Year

Since this has turned into a rather longer post than I first anticipated, I thought that I would continue with the them and so several of them throughout the month.

It is a variation on the 3 Quotes in 3 Days challenge of last year, I thoroughly enjoyed. I may have mentioned at the time that I would be happy to do it again at some point so I thought that I would share some of my favourite quotes which I have seen over the past few months and share what springs to mind when I see them for this coming New Year.

Some may motivate, inspire, or give you the warm fuzzy’s as they do for me, others may just bring a smile to your face, it may just be as simple as that.

I thought that I would try and reign it in and keep it to a manageable amount, but since there are quite a few of them this may become a series of posts instead. I must admit, that folder of them comes in handy for a dose of inspiration, or whatever in times of need but makes it rather difficult to choose.
So, here they are and I hope that you also enjoy….

 

This reminds me of the sort of person I strive to be, I have dreams of being that strong in the eyes of myself and others.

Maybe this year 2017, I will continue with the little steps and who knows where they will lead.

I’ve grown more than I thought was possible as a person, have gone through so much and have reached the end of a year still filled with hope for the new one and what it might bring.

There are parts of the past which haunt me and I often think perhaps I should revisit and re-write it, with a different ending.  But in reality I have to quit banging on it, don’t I?

 

I always look out for them, some sign that our loved ones are still here by our sides. I have to believe that they never leave and we are here for them too if they need us.

Set your intentions and hopes and dreams and leave it to the universe or your God to provide.

When you have an illness which you fight day in day out, whether it be mental or physical never give up hope that one day you will be well enough to see the other side and if you get there, then celebrate the achievement.

About time too!

 

When you think about this possibility, it occurs to me just how awesome this statement actually is. Whatever has been in the lives before mine makes me who I am.

 

 

Just so True! Always there.

Inspirational indeed.  My aim is to be unstoppable, when it comes to whatever path I follow. I have some way to go yet!

Not entirely true.  My inner child is six whenever she appears. (Which is both maddening and exciting)

So let the fun begin.

 

 

Oh yes, the fine art of forgiveness and moving on is not an easy road. But very rewarding when you reach that destination.

This is a definite message to my former self. A stark reminder that I worked in a place where I was barely tolerated by some people and it made me miserable. I made the promise that I will not stay in such a place if I am ever so unfortunate again as to not see it for what it is before I get there. I owe it to myself.

This is what let me continue writing and blogging after being filled with self doubt for so long. It was all I had left to give at the time. Worn out by what had transpired in the previous few months. I tried and it was received by people who gave me encouragement when I needed it. To them I say Thankyou!

This final one is a message to myself really, to keep reaching higher. Even when something seems out of reach, don’t give up. I remember collecting fruit in the Autumn up on the hill. Think of it as the apples upon a tree, you are reaching for that one which is juicy and ripe and it is just  enticingly out of reach. So you take a leap. Jump that little bit higher. Sometimes, a gust of wind will blow and the branch will be blown just low enough for you to grab a hold of to enable you to reach that prize. If you are looking for change then don’t give up hope.

I wish that whatever you are looking for in 2017 it offers you good that outweighs the bad, love which conquers hate and happiness which cancels out sadness.

 

Photography – Various.

Quotes – Part 2.

This is the second post on the theme from my first post. Quotes for a New Year – Part 1

Not really more of the same, the subject matter is a little different this time.

Inspirational dreams can set off the stories I write, the poems which follow and the map of the road which I consider taking. Occasionally, common sense will kick in and I will tug on the reigns instead of following that direction. I accept this as all part of the process.

A life is made up of so many chapters. They can’t all be great, exciting and wonderful. So if you have a bad one, you might need some help and just try and get through and learn from it.

When things are going wrong, I often think we are better off not daring to ask, what’s next?

I feel that this quote is leading me in a direction I have yet to find. There must be a purpose, we are here for a reason, we don’t always know what it is.  One day I am sure to find out.

In other words, don’t feed the fears…

That is what I plan for each year.

There’s just something about this quote which resonates and fills me with Hope. You have to go through so much in a lifetime and don’t worry if you break along the way, for there is a chance for the light to appear.

So when someone is talking rubbish, then don’t rise to it. If you can’t escape them, then just don’t answer!

Along with the age old quote, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger I sincerely hope that my time at rock bottom will hold me in good stead. How do we become  Hero?

 

And this is what I aim to become, in whatever path I follow.

Here’s to having messy hair, Salut!

If you don’t have a forest, then find one, or at least borrow some time in one  I highly recommend it.

When you feel broken, remember this it may just give you hope.

So if just one little thing can brighten a persons day then do lots of little things as it can mount up to one helluva change.

A simple message  I don’t understand. Why do people feel the need to be unkind?

… and this is when we are we are at our happiest!

Letting go is all part of the healing process, it can be hard to try but in the end surrendering to the ingrained ideas of what “should be” and accepting what will follow can be very liberating.

I think being soft on the inside, or even allowing that side of you to be visible to others still is misconstrued as weak by so many. If only they knew! It’s an honour when someone shows you their soft side so don’t let anyone abuse that.

 

 

 

A Recipe for Love?

A short story. 

It was strange, there was a time when she thought that she may have loved him.  They had been around each other for a while. As friends, she liked his company, they laughed easily together. It was all there in the mix, the mutual and intense physical attraction. They Cooked meals together, drank wine, made love easily and talked freely. They had pastimes and interests which intermingled. They met quite regularly back then, so one day she summoned the courage to ask him whether he would ever see her as anything more than an affair. Perhaps in a bid to elicit feelings which were not really there, to find out whether they could be anything more, she swallowed her pride and broached the subject one day while he was getting ready to go.  They had fun, the memories of that would stay with her for a while, there were fireworks and chemistry, but he did not want any more. Maybe the time just wasn’t right for them. She had to ask, if her feelings were reciprocated then this could be a turning point for the relationships thus far. She wondered what she was doing wrong then she would know for sure which direction to take.

Although it wasn’t really meant as an ultimatum it suddenly seemed so. So that was it. He had decided that he wanted something different. A short while after that, she changed her social circle and found work in a different town. There was someone new and she moved on with her life not wanting to prolong or encourage the torture of his rejection. It was obviously just not meant to be. She was disappointed so did not go out of her way to see him, or frequent the places where they had been previously. She never found out whether it was love or not. But settled on a fondness for the time that they’d had. Some memories remained, good ones, they could have been much more, but she would keep the memories and occasionally they would make her smile.  She didn’t hold it against him, she was young, probably erratic at the time, she may have been too much of a liability, but she was certainly not what he was looking for.

It was strange when years later, she would suddenly look up as she drove past his place.  She remembered that he had a beautiful apartment where you could watch the sunrise from the bedroom its light bathing the space and welcoming the day. The window seat overlooking water and listening to the gulls flying overhead. A place where the sunsets warmed the skin and the soul. She often did that with people she knew though, look for the places which were familiar to her. Was it also odd when she would hear from him all those years later and he would send a message that said, “I looked for you once, without success, assumed that you had married and changed your name. I can’t believe that our paths never crossed again. I have good memories of our time together, as short as it was.” 
She smiled as they chatted online for a while.  Like old friends, just as they had been really.  They knew some of the same people although she hadn’t seen them in a while it always was a small town. She’d grown over those years, any person would it had been so many. She felt no bitterness, or remorse for what could have been and yes things could have been different but after all had been and gone she was happy. He had been married after it ended. Since divorced and now had a football team of grandchildren to be proud of. She hoped that he was happy again too now. 

The Daily Post – Elicit