The Process of Therapy -Part two.

This post is reflective and written a couple of weeks ago.

I finished my counselling this week. My last session just as emotional as many of the others. She asked he if I felt as though counselling has helped me this time around. In some ways it has. It has helped me realise that despite the cause of it all not going away, now I feel better equipped to deal with it. I can now after six months go out into my garden and water the plants when my attacker is out there. I am defiant, putting on a brave face and trying to ignore him but it is exhausting.

I have planned to go to my friends Wedding, a social occasion. Six months ago I would have shied away from it but I have made her present, written a poem and I am going. The day after a hospital procedure even if it’s only for a while.

Somehow I feel as though I am walking around in the aftermath of something as though my body is in shock. The fatigue is immense in the past couple of weeks pain levels have been high. I just want to sleep but that is not happening either.

My counsellor told me that I have to get us out of this situation with our neighbour. Counselling will not help it something else has to change. We are in danger here and it scares her just hearing about it. It must be awful to live like that day in and day out. Once the situation changes we will be able to get over it again.

I feel as though I can speak about things now, having come through counselling and out the other side. Occasionally there is a glimmer of me and that has given me hope again. It’s a small step but a step nevertheless. Again I am grateful for the time and advice that she gave to me to hear me out, when the authorities and other people would not listen.

I do feel as though I have changed again during this process, whether for better or worse remains to be seen. I am less trusting of people when they say they will help and a few people have been noticeably absent. Previously I would be chasing them all up, touching base again, worrying what I might have done to offend or upset. But I haven’t they have just got on with their lives and chosen to not think of me in their process. I saw something about people coming and going at different times. in your life. It struck a chord with me.

I had turned up to a friends house in Scotland with flowers when we returned. She looked pleased to see me and hugged me, full of questions and asked what they were for. A thank you for looking out for the house and a Happy Easter, she looked bowled over. I said that whilst I was around it would be lovely to see her but weeks went by and I didn’t. She didn’t take up my invitation to visit nor did she offer one of her own. I felt saddened by it. I tried to explain it to myself and my partner. But then I realised that some people just decide one day that they don’t want something whether it be a friendship or a lifestyle or situation and so it changes. Maybe she had reached that point but it would have been clearer if she had said something. It hurt I had never realised someone could be offended by a gift of flowers.

Since the counselling finished and there have been other problems from the same source to deal with I am feeling as though weakened again. I need to be strong I have felt profoundly depressed but am still trying to focus on the positives around me, sometimes I have trouble visualising them.  I also think that Karma will deal its hand at some point, after all it has to doesn’t it?

I Knew It!

I knew it I just knew it.
That for once I had been right.
That decision had been made
We didn’t need to fight.
Agreeing both together,
In fact wholeheartedly.
That in the finest weather,
We could see the sea.
We stopped up here in awe
To admire the view
Found a space on the floor
A vantage point, so new.

The place was old and tatty,
Somehow the worse for wear.
They thought we had gone batty,
When we hoped we’d settle here.
As time marches onward,
Seven years have almost passed.
The trials we have shouldered
Certainly aren’t meant to last.

It wasn’t to be easy,
That we always knew,
But helpfulness was shown us,
By the brave and by the few.
Some thought we’d back down,
So that they could see us off
But we’re not foolish or a clown,
They didn’t think we’d be tough.

It seems as we say often,
“Life shouldn’t be this hard”,
Lets hope that it will soften
And our fortress we will guard.
We’re adamant that we,
Will just stay here around.
Holding on to what we have
And standing firm our ground.

On the Precipice, Life shouldn’t be this hard.

No, I’m not ready to jump or anything.  Although things have been pretty stressful lately,  (for that read at times unbearable) at times you feel as though you are reaching breaking point, when you are laying down to sleep and the dreams you have are past experiences, mixed with anxious feelings for an unknown future, it seems that all the fears and bad experiences are rising to the top again, the forefront of my mind and I hate it. Upon waking I know it is a dream but I do not want it to be the reality and I really don’t want to relive those aspects of my past all over again. On some such occasions, I tell my Mum, she agreed it was pretty horrible, but that I should acknowledge it as bad dreams and don’t accept it.

My future is not hanging in the balance, but despite my best attempts to leave my fate in the hands of the gods, or some higher power.  I find myself crying out on a far too regular basis that “Life shouldn’t be this hard!” feeling as though I am some forlorn child who is unable to cope with her life.  But it is not only I who feel this way, my partner also is struggling with why things are so difficult for us all of the time.  Some people in the past have suggested that we might be better going our own separate ways, that somehow we are bringing each other down.  But that is unkind, (the politest response that I can put here and a pretty messed up way of looking at things)  Anyhow, I can remember without rose tinted glasses that life wasn’t so fabulous before he came along either.

When one thing goes our way and we are overjoyed after, days, weeks, months of things going wrong.  Other people do not have to deal with things like this on an every day basis.  We really need a break and we are crying out for one.

If the angels are listening, please send some good our way, health, happiness, funds, or anything really to lighten the load.

via Daily Prompt: Precipice

Northbound Journeying

Our journey up here was interesting to say the least. Our darling boy came on the longest trip he had ever been on in the car. He hated almost every minute of it and was very distressed crying and whining. He did not understand that it would be alright when we arrived. He wanted cuddles and reassurance it with his Mama in the front and him in the back it wasn’t possible. At nighttime he didn’t like the traffic noise of the lights of the vehicles behind us. It was a long Journey anyway it made all the longer by stress and tiredness. 

As we reached the border we were met with a beautiful red and orange sky, following the contours of the hills and mountains with silhouettes of the trees and occasional building or cottage.

Higher than our current landscape set way above our heads the colours did not reach all the way to the road ahead of us. 

It’s ethereal light creating another world somewhere above ours where all was at peace. Our own route now being cast into the darkness as we travelled onwards, but yet we were bathed in this warm orange glow. It warmed the soul sending shivers down my spine. “Look at that Sky!” he said to me. I am, I answered my voice almost hoarse with emotion tied up in a truly beautiful experience. Taking us away from the situation we have been in and leading us hopefully towards the next step. The orange sky like a molten sea coming down through the hills that night pooling into lakes with pine trees all around as we reached the border and our welcome to Scotland. The smile spreading across my face, heading home at last. 

Happy Easter


As those who are following will know, I’ve been off the radar somewhat in the past few weeks. 

I was feeling very stressed and rather unwell I decided not to burden everyone with the details and have not been writing much. The situation in the South had become unbearable and both our health has taken a turn for the worse. The getaways have become a matter of urgency. I have now taken the family and we headed off back to our Sanctuary this past week and am already feeling a positive shift. It is where we needed to be and never fails to lift our spirits once we arrive. 

We have brought the new boy with us, the journey was eventful since he was not a willing accomplice in the car. He doesn’t like it at all, the calming biscuits had little effect and he got scared. Since he was safely secured in the back he couldn’t get to his Mama in the front for a cuddle. Poor thing he cried for a lot of the journey and was like a whining child with no sleep when we arrived. 

Thankfully he has settled in a bit now we have arrived and we have all caught up on our sleep. We are delighting in showing him the sights and sounds around here. He has not been into Forests before, or seen any other wild animals but Foxes & Rabbits. Being a bit of a Town Bear he has to learn not to bark at everything that is new or thunder through the woods into the unknown but he’s doing well. 

He has met Stag’s, Horses, Hares, Rabbits, Field Mice and the Cattle so far. The sheep have been moved so there is no sign of them. 

He is used to the open fire now and the wind in his fur, the sights and sounds of the tractors going up the lane and has found the exact same comfy spot, protected by bushes that Kato used to sit in to watch the world go by currently surrounded by daffodils, he is very happy. 

He is peaceful and as long as we don’t go near the car he is enjoying the long walks over the hills and sleeping at the foot of the bed. 

So however you are choosing to spend your Easter weekend, we hope that you have a great time with your loved ones. We will be cosy by the fire and enjoying the peace and serenity here. 

Wishes

Wishes carried on the air,

Make me strong and make them fair.

Give me courage, my strength prevail.

I am not weak I will not fail.

Take this fire and send it out.

Make my words become a shout.

So I can end all this mess,

Return again our happiness.

Build this wish by power of three,

This is my will, so shall it be!