Gone but not Forgotten.

Although I think of her almost every day,
The clocks don’t stop because she’s away.
Always had a shoulder to lend,
A beautiful garden she would tend.
She’d sometimes remember, Life was Grand,
As I’d sit and hold her hand.
Speaking of places and things done,
Back with a smile, she would come.
Quick witted with a smile,
She’d keep you laughing for a while.
Bright flowers clothing and scent abound,
You always knew when she was around.
A “little drinkie for you and for me”
Things in a new light then we’d see.
A glass of wine and a toast,
“To the lady with the most”
A sparkling person, with such flair,
You wouldn’t upset, just wouldn’t dare!
Well travelled and highly educated,
Friends from the start, we were fated.
Languages spoken from afar,
Our fun days out in her little car.
Enjoyed good food to compliment,
Turned a few heads, wherever she went.
A bright light, where it once shone,
Now up above in heaven you’ve gone.
For I am sure it’s where the good people go,
You’re one of them I used to know.
One year today since she passed,
But in my memory she’ll last.
My mother in Law, Heaven bound,
So sorry to say, she’s no longer around.
If you’re thinking of us, please do send
Some sign to show you’re there my friend.
Loved and lost won’t ever forget,
In our hearts no time for regret.

Was Once a Garden.

We walk around the family home,
It was so plain to see.
The lack of love that it’s been shown,
Since left by you and me.
That it had been left way behind ,
Pushed away to the back of our mind.
No-one welcomed there to stay,
So we just upped and moved away.

I walked around the garden,
It was once so tended with care.
But since your sentiments harden,
And you are no longer there.

I felt the urge to help it,
You also did I feel.
Picking up bits and debris
Just wanting it to heal.

It used to be so large and free,
A place to read under the tree.
The summer house was cosy too,
Looking out upon the view.

A fish pond which you took weeks to make
Gone forever, for goodness sake!
Bushes and shrubs all overgrown,
But at least the grass was mown.

A broken window, a damaged chair.
Pieces of plastic, strewn over there.
There’s broken pots and damaged things
But in the bushes a bird still sings.
Walking around the fallen leaves,
Memories and treasures under the trees.

As we hunt around begin to explore,
The items laying upon the floor.
Hiding around behind the shed,
We find the old puppy’s bed.
From years before flooding back,
Between the eyes with a thwack.

Memories from the past it will bring,
As we discover another old thing.
A shuttlecock from badminton,
The list when you start, goes on and on.
Decorations, my old fish tank,
The fountain from which, no-one drank.

It seems as though it’s shown like a person it hurted
After we’d gone where it’s been deserted.
But in the midst where we sit
With Spiders webs round all of it.
A trail through the middle, where foxes roam
A playground for them, to call their own.

Spring is here and through the mess,
A moment to show it’s happiness.
A glimmer of a reconstruction,
In around all of the destruction.
Nature is stronger than we think
Brings itself back from the brink.

Almost a Biker

I once had a motorbike,
Painted in the colours I like.
Bright paintwork in yellow and black,
Better for road than for track.
A custom bike with plenty of chrome,
Visions I had of going to roam.
Out on the open road once more,
A beautiful thing with a throaty roar!
I got all the kit and dressed in the leather,
Protected from every kind of weather.
Wearing all of the outfit he loves,
Jacket, Boots, Helmet and Gloves.
Blood racing through me thudding my chest,
Excitement builds I’ll be joining the rest.
On Saturday mornings, coffee en-route
Someone you know, give them a toot.
Bike training then was even a pleasure,
Into the country, moments to treasure.
Taking in the air as you go by,
Feeling as though being able to fly.
Out on the road from my worries I’d hide,
Forget them all as you begin to ride
For a time so easy to be,
Someone else who’s so carefree.
Once I’d got my ticket you know,
I sat on the bike ready to go.
I started up and the throttle jammed,
Into a wall on the bike I slammed.
I’d hurt myself and damaged by back.
And from the experience I would lack.
Suddenly my dreams as a biker no more,
As I was pinned upon the floor.
Couldn’t get from under the bike you see,
Was trapped just too darn heavy for me.
Rescued by a helpful friend,
For the bike and I, the end.
6 months of pain and physio,
Off to the doctor I had to go.
The bike was stored, then fixed and sent,
For someone new it was now meant.
My injuries healed, they did not last,
But having a bike’s all in my past.

Moving On

Time went on and she hoped for reprieve,
Now was the time she had to believe.
She gathered momentum, all set to go
The strength that took he’d never know.
He thought she’d get right on track,
That she would come crawling back.
But things had changed for her and you,
Life’s too short, the years too few
To sacrifice ones happiness,
staying together under duress.
Don’t think to hurt or shame was meant,
Just a chance to live, without lament.
Some respite from the drudge of life,
Meant to be much more than a wife.
She craved to be cherished like no other,
Much more to her, than just our Mother.
Set apart from the rest, she has such talent,
She should use the gifts that she’s been sent.
She’d raised the family, the time was right,
Had grown tired of the fuss and fight.
She packed her bags, set off, departed,
Now for her, her life’s just started.
Could not hope that you’d understand,
A different life for her was planned.
The freedom for her to do as she pleased,
The burden of her thoughts had eased.

He never thought that they would part,
And would take with her, his heart.
She caught him somewhat by surprise,
Grew fed up living with the lies.
And on it, suddenly the light shone.
When he could see the love had gone.
Sometimes resentment would start when,
He’d think of her fondly now and then.
Although he felt she’d broken his trust,
Time marches on and forgive her he must.
Didn’t figure on such loneliness,
The effect on him of such distress.
Feeling as though a downward spiral,
Going through periods of denial.
But as years go by, I think it’s shown
That he can enjoy a life of his own.
Had never thought with emotions he’d toy,
But a new way of life he’d come to enjoy.
A place where he can enjoy the limelight,
Return to peace and quiet at night.
One where he has freedom to roam,
Do as he pleases, no one at home.

Don’t wish for Harm.

Don’t want to feel that it’s a sin,
To speak about the position I’m in.
Have come here under much duress,
Just to avoid more distress.
Never wished to cause a fight,
By opening up to things I write.
Something for the world to see,
It’s not for them, just about me.
Just for once won’t try to think,
Of others, or just turn to drink.
Words can hurt, this I know
But I didn’t place the very first blow!
It’s not a war or argument,
Or anger open aired to vent.
For years I circumnavigate,
Don’t wish for pain, or for hate.
It’s just a part of the healing process,
Don’t want to remember and won’t obsess.
On people where the light is shone,
Memories of old, I want them gone.

My Big Black Dog

My Big Black Dog.

Some Days you’re up and at Night you are down
It’s 3am and you’re awake with a frown.
Did I see that sight, What was that sound?
When a big black dog follows you around.
In waking moments, you think you’ll find,
But a sinking feeling in the back of your mind.

Just as you smile, it seems without a care,
You’ll suddenly find him waiting there.
Lurking, peering from the darkness,
Hoping to steal your chance of happiness.
Sometimes you can keep him at bay,
But he follows you around, every day!
When you are able to shut him out,
Your subconscious begins to scream and shout.
Hope that just once, for you he’d let
That reminder of something, you’ve tried to forget.
The big black dog is on your shoulder,
Like the wolf you feed as you get older.
If you’re stubborn with a will to survive,
Fight the black dog to keep you alive.

At bright times when you see the sun,
A pat on the back for how far you’ve come.
Remind myself of the beauty in me,
Open your eyes, one day you’ll see.
That a big black dog, quite often you’ll find,
Is much more scary in your mind.
There to keep you, the straight and narrow,
Can really be an annoying fellow.
Your deepest, darkest fears come to light,
As over the years, you continue your fight.
Sometimes you feel so terribly sad.
Loved ones and Friends may think you’ve gone mad.
Yesterday you seemed so jolly,
Today you are just melancholy.
In your own space at home you’ll stay,
You’ll go out on another day.
They say water’s not thicker than blood.
Unexpected kindness, your eyes will flood.

Release your emotions and pent up anger,
the experience will make you stronger
Open up and then you’ll know,
If you can ever let it go.
Someone to talk to, to hold your hand
As you try to understand
How he ever managed to get into your life
Causing all the stress and strife.
Wonder if it will ever cease,
If one day you’ll regain peace.
It’s painful looking though an abyss,
Hopeful life will return to bliss.
But over time, more thoughts he’ll steal
As you begin to recover and heal.
One day your brain will clear the fog,
As you wave Goodbye to that Big Black Dog.

International Women’s Day.

Since it is International Women’s Day, I thought I would head back to my childhood for this, little did I realise as I wrote it, the effect that it would have on my day and my loved one.  The journey into womanhood is not always easy, there are scars you bring with you and I am trying to heal as I go. In two minds as to whether this should be posted, at his suggestion, today is the day! I am thankful that he is alongside me and continues to offer support even when it is unexpected.

As We Grow.

For an afternoon, we get together.
Seems as though it’s been forever
It’s not often that you go out to eat
To sit and talk, a proper meet.

It gets me thinking of younger years
And suddenly I’m choking tears.
Growing up when times were fraught,
Don’t seek to blame, not always your fault.
To push and push and test and test
You only felt you were doing your best.
Taken to church on every Sunday
Ridiculed yet again on Monday

During the week off to school,
Often made to look like a fool.
When sometimes to the house they came,
I would hide myself in shame.
Of what had passed when out to play,
Just wanted to hide myself away.
Did I do wrong? Was I meant,
To hold in all of this torment.
I may have brought it upon myself
A thought when later it affects your health.

Time has passed and strength has grown
Since venturing out all on my own.
They say the times of sand have shifted
Sometimes I see the dark clouds lifted
And sadness takes such time to feel
The memory blurred enough to heal.

Should not be where your thoughts lay
What happened when you went away?
Life’s so different should you return,
But if you stay here you’ll have to learn.
Made to feel bad for a mistake
As your life you try to remake.
It’s strange that it comes flooding back
You realise there’s something you lack.

You didn’t know him well, or understand,
How to make his point, he’d raise his hand.
Wished sometimes for a slap in the face
Instead to put you back in your place.
But without this life, as they say
You wouldn’t be the same person today.
But down where these memories reside
Is where it still hurts deep inside.

A chance for a coffee, for a chat,
Not time to talk about all that.
Decided no longer to be a slave,
But as innocent, don’t try to behave.
For all those things in time gone by
To the back of your mind you must try
For it is now time to move on
Even you can’t undo the wrong.
Don’t dwell upon the past they say
It’s in the past, it’s gone away.

We don’t understand we have to forgive
Once we leave home, our lives to live.
As it’s been a long time since,
We now celebrate our difference.
Although in some ways we are alike.
I can’t get up or sing on a ‘mike‘.
But as enthusiasm starts to show,
For all the things that we should know.

Hope that forgiveness is to me
All that it’s cracked up to be,
I’m not as though heaven sent,
But glad we are so different.

 

In the Garden

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In the garden.

 

In the garden, the sun on my skin.

Wait for the transformation to begin.

Always have to pull out the weeds,

Now it’s time to plant some seeds.

Time to get my hands in all the earth,

The starlings sit sharing their mirth.

What wonders will our eyes befall?

After we have done it all.

Grass to cut, New pots to fill,

Has it taken, won’t know until

New growth and leaves appear,

Signal the start of each new year.

 

Buds and tendrils begin to grow,

Be careful with the water flow.

Not too little and not to much,

Get it right and as such.

Your garden it will start to flourish,

With blooms aplenty that you’ll cherish.

When it’s done a wonderful thing,

Here to enjoy in Summer and Spring.

Awaken the Gratitude in your Life

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It is part of my journey that I am attempting to embrace the changes which have been happening in my life recently. As someone who in her past has not coped particularly well with change to the every day, I have at times found this almost impossible. But I have found something which helps enables me to do this, a wonderful tool in the box, which is helping me rebuild where things were once broken.

At times it is hard to take a look outside of yourself, when life feels dark and you are so caught up with the thoughts in your head.

So may I suggest this….

Try if you can to breathe, look around you and find just one thing which you can be Grateful or thankful for. I am sure that once you start to do this you will soon notice that many more appear when you open your eyes to them and you begin to think outside of the box.

There is a wonderful lady who has spent the past three years seeking to open people’s eyes to the concept of Gratitude. She is called Kristin Granger and lives on the other side of the world to me in Australia. Kristin runs a Facebook page called Gratitude in All and I love what she shows on the page. She regularly runs through the alphabet in her posts asking people to comment upon what they are grateful for. Take a look, I am sure that you will find the answers interesting and possibly inspiring.

If you can contribute, share her posts and like her page, I am sure that it will encourage you to change your outlook and look for the good things. It may provide you with inspiration too.

It has for me….

So remember with fondness, the good things in your past, and Celebrate the Good that your future holds.

https://www.face book.com/Gratitudenall/ You can also find more of her work and writing at http://twistoffaith.com.au

In a Moment

DSC_0104They say that Home is where the Heart is.

On reaching this part of the world for the very first time, I was stuck by the light and beauty of my surroundings and when we arrived, we walked around drinking it all in.  There are moments which stay with you and what followed was to be one such moment.

Walking around the overgrown garden, which hadn’t been touched in years I took my camera snapping away anxious to take with me everything that my eyes could see, to pore over at a later date and relive the moments.

Little did I know that what was about to happen would have such a profound effect upon me and cement in my mind that this was a place which would feel like home, where I would run to for solace and comfort in years to come.

As I walked tentatively watching where I was putting my feet, since there were so many rabbit holes and the ground was so uneven.  I was just about to place my foot upon the earth when I saw something before me which moved me as though to stop my heart in it’s tracks. I noticed what looked like a large dock leaf move and my heart was in my mouth as I lifted the corner of it to see a baby fawn curled up asleep in the afternoon sunshine.  I have no idea as to its age, however it was the size of a small cat curled up, its beady black eyes gazing up at me and I think it could not have been more than a few days old.  It made no sound, nor any attempt to run it just stayed there, indelible upon my memory that moment.  I spoke to it very gently, telling it that it was safe and that I would not harm it, being careful not to touch it and leave my scent upon it, I just lifted up the leaf, took about 20 camera shots of it very close up and left the leaf to fall, I then retraced my steps to avoid alarming it’s mother any more and walked around it by a distance of about 10 feet.

I felt truly blessed and emotional about that moment and knew right then that this was going to be home for me. I walked over to my partner and told him what had just happened with tears in my eyes.

To be surrounded by Nature and to have wildlife feeling comfortable enough to graze and hide out in your garden must mean that it is a safe and welcoming place.