Happy Easter


As those who are following will know, I’ve been off the radar somewhat in the past few weeks. 

I was feeling very stressed and rather unwell I decided not to burden everyone with the details and have not been writing much. The situation in the South had become unbearable and both our health has taken a turn for the worse. The getaways have become a matter of urgency. I have now taken the family and we headed off back to our Sanctuary this past week and am already feeling a positive shift. It is where we needed to be and never fails to lift our spirits once we arrive. 

We have brought the new boy with us, the journey was eventful since he was not a willing accomplice in the car. He doesn’t like it at all, the calming biscuits had little effect and he got scared. Since he was safely secured in the back he couldn’t get to his Mama in the front for a cuddle. Poor thing he cried for a lot of the journey and was like a whining child with no sleep when we arrived. 

Thankfully he has settled in a bit now we have arrived and we have all caught up on our sleep. We are delighting in showing him the sights and sounds around here. He has not been into Forests before, or seen any other wild animals but Foxes & Rabbits. Being a bit of a Town Bear he has to learn not to bark at everything that is new or thunder through the woods into the unknown but he’s doing well. 

He has met Stag’s, Horses, Hares, Rabbits, Field Mice and the Cattle so far. The sheep have been moved so there is no sign of them. 

He is used to the open fire now and the wind in his fur, the sights and sounds of the tractors going up the lane and has found the exact same comfy spot, protected by bushes that Kato used to sit in to watch the world go by currently surrounded by daffodils, he is very happy. 

He is peaceful and as long as we don’t go near the car he is enjoying the long walks over the hills and sleeping at the foot of the bed. 

So however you are choosing to spend your Easter weekend, we hope that you have a great time with your loved ones. We will be cosy by the fire and enjoying the peace and serenity here. 

Our Sanctuary 

We’re off again to Sanctuary 

To save us from the Melancholy

A place to help us to forget,

Where we do not suffer regret.

Where the sun shines brightly through,

Trees and flowers grow anew.

To replenish mind and body once more,

There’s friends around and surprises in store.

Spring is in the air, sights to behold.

Welcome the new, but cherish the old.

Lambs and calf and fawn surround,

Open your ears and relish the sound.

A bright carpet of yellow daffodils,

Will always be one of the thrills.

What will have grown, what will have died?

What small animals used the house to hide?

There through the winter cosy and warm.

Inviting and safe to them, not broken and worn.

So I will clean up the house, the caravans too.

Will do some repairs, will make some stew.

Put on the coffee and light your cigar,

Remembering that we’ve come so far. 

When nighttime comes you’ll get your desire,

A glass of Brandy by the roaring fire.

Batten down hatches to calm the storm,

Silently, resting peaceful and calm.

Our place where we feel truly free.

We’re home again to our Sanctuary.

Wishes

Wishes carried on the air,

Make me strong and make them fair.

Give me courage, my strength prevail.

I am not weak I will not fail.

Take this fire and send it out.

Make my words become a shout.

So I can end all this mess,

Return again our happiness.

Build this wish by power of three,

This is my will, so shall it be!

This Once Was Home

I sat in the garden looking at night sky
And thinking about it began to sigh.

I sat there silent it’s fair to mention,

My body ached from all the tension.

Remember that this once was home.

The place where I could be alone. 

Peace and quiet alone with thought, 

Not sitting feeling overwrought. 

With home comforts all around. 

Windows closed would block the sound.

Of the world and people passing by.

Watching as the time would fly.

A quiet haven to rest my head.

The cosy sofa, the comfy bed.

Neighbours with whom a hand I’d lend,

Small garden with plants that I could tend.

But now as I wait for Spring to call

Here I sit trapped in these four walls.

Life as we know it before this began, 

Now altered forever because of one man.

So much has changed I feel locked in,

No escape from the stress and din.

Wanting once more to get out.

Making me want to cry and shout.

The peace is shattered, the calm is too,

I crave to find that something new.

A place where I am at my best,

A home to thrive, a place to rest.

Natures beauty there to please,

Surrounding you will put you at ease.

A personal space to call my own,

Which once again I’ll feel is home.

I’ll keep looking I’ll search with care, 

To find the place that is out there. 

The plans have changed, our dreams have too,

But we’re still in it, it’s me and you.

Wherever we go on this journey of ours, 

We’ll stop a moment to smell the flowers.

Shall plant some new ones on the way, 

Put down some roots, as they say.

Life will be once more safe and secure.

The countryside an obvious lure.

A house, a cottage, a bungalow,

A place for us to thrive and grow.

It’s time to move on, or start to roam

And find this house to call a home. 

Excitement and new challenges await.

Walk down the street and open the gate.

The new life we will soon have begun,

Once there you’ll know you’ve found the one. 

Overload

via Daily Prompt: Nervous

It sometimes feels as though too much.
Indescribable feeling, not unreal as such.

Fatigued, exhausted from it all.

Setting myself up for a fall?

I try to sleep, but sleep won’t come.

Nowhere from it that I can run.

I worry it will swallow me whole 

Falling down this great big hole.

I feel the senses overload,

As I travel on this road.

Sometimes uncontrollable quakes,

After which my body aches.

Often feel as though bound and chained.

When I have felt my energy drained.

All the senses heightened here,

Shaking, sweating cloaked in fear.

Sounds so loud, then they are gone.

But they tell me nothing’s wrong.

Suddenly I’m temporarily deaf, 

Frightening leaving me bereft.

I asked them the problem to address, 

But they say it’s caused by stress.

I tried the calm. To meditate.

Can’t force the quiet, myself I berate.

My voice has changed, I cannot shout.

When I try to let it all out.

Swollen throat I almost choke, 

Sending the message my body has broke?

My mind and body feel detached,

Suddenly, became ill matched.

At this time I feel bereaved.

For what’s been lost, I am aggrieved.

I rest a while and floating free,

Willing just to return to me.

The blood is pounding around my head, 

Surging, thoughts fill me with dread.

With gritted teeth and clenched jaw,

My muscles aching and so sore.

Is this real pain or anxiety

there’s changes needed to just be. 

Cannot just stay powerless,

Wanting to relieve the stress. 

A deeper meaning I search to find,

Whilst hoping it’s not just in my mind.

Glitter

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Glitter
Shower the air with a wave of glitter,
Shine on me, not feeling bitter.
Look up in the air and see the space,
While it falls upon my face.
Twirling myself in a daze,
Reliving some of those sunny days.
Arms up, reaching to the sky,
Worrying not about him or I.
Sprinkles resting on the floor,
Shining clearly, wanting more.
Glinting brightly in the sun,
Promise of the things to come.
Twinkle Twinkle, little star
Gazing down from afar.
Watching all the colours shine,
Kid myself I’m feeling fine.
Fingers through it they will trace,
Captured in time, a forgotten place.
Taken away for a moment there,
Happy, free, without a care.

via Daily Prompt: Glitter Image: Morguefile

Hideout

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Ahh the memories, of where we used to hide as Children.

At my Grandparents house, they had a dining table.  It had drop leaf sides and a cupboard in the centre with a shelf in the middle and a drawer at each end. When we played hide and seek with my cousins, this was usually where I chose, under the shelf inside.  Well, I was quite small!  I have the dining table in storage, the memories all came flooding back when I saw it.

In our first house, my favourite was in the larder, with my best friend sitting under the bottom shelf on the floor, making bread squares, by squashing the bread very hard into cubes.  It began when her father went fishing and we had a conversation about what fishing bait he used.

After that, when Dad emptied the big cupboard in my box room of all of his stuff and I was allowed to use the space to keep my toys and books. I used to sit in there and read stories to the Dollies and the Teddies.  The door would be open and I would take a pillow and sit on the floor of the cupboard with my back against the wall.

When we moved house aged 10, I had to find new hideouts.

A favourite was the bathroom roof, My bedroom window opened out above it and I would sit out on the ledge of the roof straddling it and be able to look down the street across all the other gardens, trees and flowers.  It was quiet there and no-one bothered me.  I always got into trouble for being out there since it was deemed dangerous, but I actually felt very safe up there.

Down the road from where we lived there was a brook with a bridge. I used to go there with my friend who lived over the road, we would fish for sticklebacks and read books and camp out under the bridge.

via Daily Prompt: Hideout Image: Morguefile

The Process of Therapy


So as I continue with the next session of therapy for this round of counselling. I thought I would share some more of my thoughts on the process.

28/2/17 Today’s Therapy Journey.

Today I spoke about what had been happening to me over the past 12 months since my last therapy sessions ended. I had thought that I was doing really well throughout the year and felt that I had made a good recovery and progressed. There was the fact that I followed this therapists advice when she told me to get creative again and it took me to places I did not expect. For which I am very grateful. I told her about this blog and how it has helped me in so many ways over the past year. Yes it’s actually been a year to the day since I started my blog and wrote my first post for India Blue. So much has happened. It began as part of my therapy and has grown into something so much bigger and better than I imagined back then.

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WordPress Happy Anniversary 1 Year!

We also spoke about how I could change what I need to and what my hopes are going forward. What do I want to do? I still don’t know exactly but I hope that I will know it when I find it.

I am happy writing, as little or as much as I do, it doesn’t have to be continuous but it does have to be regularly.

This week I have homework!

She wants me to write, specifically what I would like to achieve from these sessions. How I would like them to help me. My instinctive answer was “to get my head right” it was a bit blasé of me, a throwaway statement but right now it’s not one I have a definitive answer to.

Thinking for more than just a moment.  From this bout of therapy I would like to discover if after I have gone through it, I can find what I believe is out there for me to do and be able to do actually do it. I am guessing that I am going to need help with doing that, but don’t know to what extent yet.  I still don’t know what my future holds or even where to start, sure I have hopes and dreams I just don’t know how to get there, lacking in the confidence which allows me to take the leap that I may need to. I admit it, to a degree I am scared.

I would love to know how to quicken the healing process. I would like to know if the thoughts and emotions that I feel are linked to the PTSD I was sent here with in the first place almost two years ago. Or does it just stop and go away? Can it grow worse when faced with new trauma or mutate into a different thing? I still feel an emotional mess rather a lot of the time, ill equipped to cope and I would love to know how people who feel this way do. I know that life goes on. It’s happening all around me, but I feel somehow detached from it an other worldliness surrounds it. If I could regain that control over my life and my destiny then I think that it would help. But I question whether we ever get to do that, have any control over destiny, or do we just have to simply accept it? There again it is in my nature to question everything and perhaps too much. There are times when I am confident, my brave face goes on and for a short time I can face the world and take everything in my stride, but it is not natural to me at the moment and underneath I often feel I am crumbling. I go home and once again feel exhausted, my mind and body aching, totally fatigued. It happens after each therapy session and often after I go out, just to do the shopping.

But buoyed by talking about something that made me happy, (my blog) today I came home and was met by an email confirming one of my fears. I am sad. The CPS are not taking the case against my neighbour who attempted to knife both my partner and I last year any further. So it seems as though he has got away scot free with it. Which doesn’t thrill me at all and renders me fearful of what may come my way. I now want to be staying here even less than before and want to change things for the better.

via Daily Prompt: Quicken