The Process of Therapy


So as I continue with the next session of therapy for this round of counselling. I thought I would share some more of my thoughts on the process.

28/2/17 Today’s Therapy Journey.

Today I spoke about what had been happening to me over the past 12 months since my last therapy sessions ended. I had thought that I was doing really well throughout the year and felt that I had made a good recovery and progressed. There was the fact that I followed this therapists advice when she told me to get creative again and it took me to places I did not expect. For which I am very grateful. I told her about this blog and how it has helped me in so many ways over the past year. Yes it’s actually been a year to the day since I started my blog and wrote my first post for India Blue. So much has happened. It began as part of my therapy and has grown into something so much bigger and better than I imagined back then.

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WordPress Happy Anniversary 1 Year!

We also spoke about how I could change what I need to and what my hopes are going forward. What do I want to do? I still don’t know exactly but I hope that I will know it when I find it.

I am happy writing, as little or as much as I do, it doesn’t have to be continuous but it does have to be regularly.

This week I have homework!

She wants me to write, specifically what I would like to achieve from these sessions. How I would like them to help me. My instinctive answer was “to get my head right” it was a bit blasé of me, a throwaway statement but right now it’s not one I have a definitive answer to.

Thinking for more than just a moment.  From this bout of therapy I would like to discover if after I have gone through it, I can find what I believe is out there for me to do and be able to do actually do it. I am guessing that I am going to need help with doing that, but don’t know to what extent yet.  I still don’t know what my future holds or even where to start, sure I have hopes and dreams I just don’t know how to get there, lacking in the confidence which allows me to take the leap that I may need to. I admit it, to a degree I am scared.

I would love to know how to quicken the healing process. I would like to know if the thoughts and emotions that I feel are linked to the PTSD I was sent here with in the first place almost two years ago. Or does it just stop and go away? Can it grow worse when faced with new trauma or mutate into a different thing? I still feel an emotional mess rather a lot of the time, ill equipped to cope and I would love to know how people who feel this way do. I know that life goes on. It’s happening all around me, but I feel somehow detached from it an other worldliness surrounds it. If I could regain that control over my life and my destiny then I think that it would help. But I question whether we ever get to do that, have any control over destiny, or do we just have to simply accept it? There again it is in my nature to question everything and perhaps too much. There are times when I am confident, my brave face goes on and for a short time I can face the world and take everything in my stride, but it is not natural to me at the moment and underneath I often feel I am crumbling. I go home and once again feel exhausted, my mind and body aching, totally fatigued. It happens after each therapy session and often after I go out, just to do the shopping.

But buoyed by talking about something that made me happy, (my blog) today I came home and was met by an email confirming one of my fears. I am sad. The CPS are not taking the case against my neighbour who attempted to knife both my partner and I last year any further. So it seems as though he has got away scot free with it. Which doesn’t thrill me at all and renders me fearful of what may come my way. I now want to be staying here even less than before and want to change things for the better.

via Daily Prompt: Quicken

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The Grass IS Greener, Ask the Sheep!

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The Grass is Greener on the other side, just ask the sheep.

So we awoke to find the fields next door full of sheep and thought that the neighbouring farmer must have branched out from cattle to sheep. Kato would have loved to walk or run around that field and I’m sure that he would have helped round them up in the evening by running around the field if required, after all he managed that with the cows.

After a leisurely breakfast, (well it is our holiday after all) we looked out from the window to see that one of the sheep had broken free from that field and was in our neighbours field in front of the house.
Normally this would not be a problem except that this neighbour does not close his gates, the field has hazards in it for animals and if the others followed, as sheep tend to do, then there could have been a whole herd of sheep across the lane causing mayhem or getting hurt. Unfortunately the man is not an animal lover and therefore shows no care that what is in his field could cause injury to others.

We made a call, but got voicemail so the farmer must have been out in the fields, so leaving a message, my partner went to move gates so that it couldn’t get any further. The sheep stood munching the lovely green grass and looking quite bemused, mouthfuls of grass filled his face and he was oblivious to the fact that his freedom was being curtailed.
He didn’t care, as you could clearly see, from the photograph the grass definitely was greener this side of the fence. He was happy to stay there. Sod’s law prevailed though and later he just skipped back across to the other field before the farmer could arrive and round him up. We later found out that a new farmer had rented the fields for his sheep and as a Thank you for securing them he offered us one of his lambs in the spring when we are next up. Now that’s a tempting thought.

A Mouse called Rummage.

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This is Rummage.

I’m not sure how you may feel about visiting Mice in the workplace, but in a place which was close to fields, quiet and where I worked alone quite often sometimes it was nice to see another being joining me as I worked late into the night.  At the time I used to average around 50 hours per week working until the job was done, my colleagues were part time.  This little mouse used to appear, just before dark, it being a nocturnal creature by nature, it probably assumed that I was invading it’s space.  I would work at my desk and suddenly a little rustle would be heard usually in the waste paper bin next to the desk.  I had to think of a name for him and Rummage suited him perfectly I thought.

I must admit, I was quite alarmed when he first appeared. (I am only assuming that it was a he) I think that is just human nature, but thought that if I didn’t create a fuss and left him to his own devices, then he wouldn’t cause me any harm. This arrangement worked for us and I kind of looked forward to seeing him.  I do love animals and used to keep hamsters and gerbils as pets. Of course, it usually goes that if there is one mouse, you will usually find more, especially when there is food about although I only ever saw this one mouse.  My colleagues, were not great at clearing up after their feeding frenzy, so there was always something for him to find.  He was quite blatant, into the bin, eat his fill, then running up the back of the wires and suddenly pop out of the drawers in front of me as I typed, sitting there washing after his snack, and watching me with interest.

Of course, it was game over when someone else saw him, shrieking all over the place and a trap was set to catch him.  They were certain we must be overrun with Mice.  I wanted it to be a humane trap so that he could be released, however I was overruled and Rummage was soon despatched to the next life, I missed our regular evening encounter.

The Folks Who Live on the Hill

Some years ago, when we came to this place,
You should have seen the look on my face.
As we drove through the countryside to see,
Where our new adventure would be.
I’d never been to that country before,
Knew it existed in old folklore.
Roads twisted and turned as we travelled,
As our lengthy journey unravelled.

We asked around for directions, we tried
As we may to find it, but the house it would hide.
Lost to the world, our heaven sent,
Derelict, forgotten to it’s detriment.
Then we turned the corner and climbed the hill,
I couldn’t disguise my wonder and thrill.
On arriving I cried, “What have we done?”
Soon realised that it had just begun.
A sight opened up before my eyes,
A place there before us started to rise.
We reached the top and stared in awe,
We had our work cut out here for sure!
Wondering where we’ll start or begin,
Stopping a while to take it all in.
There was rubbish and debris and glass on the floor.
Ivy growing around all over the door.
Trees and grass and nature surround,
Imagination, hope and challenge abound.
We walked around with a camera to click
The state it was in just made me sick.
The door kicked in and hopes were dashed,
Battered and bruised, it had been trashed.
Who could do this to somebody’s house?
The person who did this, what a louse.
But that was how we’d got our chance,
Found this and now I wanted to dance.

You see I thought a new route I’d take
And a thorough search I’d begin to make
Was looking around for a bit of romance.
It seems that Scotland is the new France.
You see that is where we’d planned to go
But something happened then, you know.
I found this place which began to start,
To inspire the mind and pull at the heart
I needed an “off switch” from my work
Which into my down time would often lurk.

Wasn’t sure whether he’d go for it,
But trust me he did and now here we sit.
But we can celebrate the day,
We went about it in our own way.
We found out it was meant to be,
That we would get our house by the sea.
It hasn’t been all plain sailing
Been up here when our health is failing
But breathe in the air and drink in the view
And you’ll be filled with hope anew.

We have such plans for our little place,
But taking it slow at our own pace.
The damaged caused by tree crashes,
Like a phoenix she’ll rise from the ashes.
A good decision that they made on the spur.
The right one to make, they must concur.
They made on that day back when
A new chapter of life, they are planning for them.

So their decision yet to be
A cosy cottage for two or three.
Or as big as a barn, for five or more
Right in the middle a huge front door.
But surrounded by fir and forest,
This is the place they love the best.
Building a fire with stick and log,
Blessed with the nonsense of a beautiful dog.
Way back then didn’t hope to envisage
That we’d feel at home here in this village
Upon people here, we’d come to depend
A few will arrive, with a hand to lend.

So is it a grand plan that they’ve hatched?
Will the roof be slate or thatched.
Up here for some time they’ll stand,
As they survey their piece of land.
Which no-one will ever take away,
It’s theirs to keep and here they’ll stay.
Up there it is their decision
Release from the usual working prison.

Don’t get me wrong, the work here is hard
Since this has for a garden, a bit more than a yard.
Don’t know how long it will take us to mend,
But a long time to finish, it’s not yet the end
Till we reach the top of this winding road
Resting a while from this heavy load.
One day we’ll have a home with such style
Which will have made it all worthwhile.
But till then, we’re remaining still
Just the folks who live on the hill.