Decayed Bolts and Wood
Category: Uncategorized
My Blogging Birthday.
I read an article the other day on Linked in which inspired me to write one of my own on the subject of blogging. Later last night I read another linked here from a blog I follow A Thousand Bits of Paper who tells of her draft folder and subject matter and how she dives in and out of there. I think that we all do it. Save some for later post it when it seems right, or not at all. I have on several occasions written thought I had finished a draft and then not felt quite right about publishing. Waiting for the right time to do so and having to edit it so much because the timing is out. But since I have the opportunity to elaborate here on my own blog about my own writing I feel inclined to.
As I head towards a whole year as a blogger, it feels kind of strange to be writing this. Firstly that something I had thought at first might not take off or might be short lived would become quite a big part of my life. When I thought that a little bit of writing here and there would turn into something that would consume so many of my waking hours and that my thoughts, however random they might be would be down on paper and/or the blog and I would be letting it all out in the open.
At first my partner was apprehensive about it. Having life as we know it out there for all to see and that is why you do not see his name here when I write. It’s easier that way. I wanted to keep him separate and protect him in some small way.
Blogging has changed my life, I hope for the better. I have an outlet for thoughts and creativity which means I no longer carry them around bursting at the seams, an emotional wreck full of baggage clogging up my life, which is how I felt previously.
True, I haven’t done a great deal of go getting or living in the past year and have often felt constrained but not in the same ways as before. So it has helped me grow as a person, my writing has improved I think and I have connected with some wonderful people and writers along the way. I have found them to be both informative and supportive and thankfully right when I needed it, totally non-judgmental. I had been so fragile previously I don’t know if they sensed this in my writing, or just that I have been so extremely lucky. Either way, I am truly grateful for them and the experience of writing. I will continue with this blog it wasn’t a five minute wonder for me. More like the start of something wonderful and your comments have spurred me on. I have written a book and got it out there on Amazon at least. It’s a little acorn at the moment, but I felt that I would continue with my poems and there might be enough for a second one, who knows maybe even a third on the same vein. I am testing my writing language. I may decide to write that raunchy book too, since they also seem to be all the rage and at least it will get that little lot out of my head and I think that there might also be a novel hiding in there somewhere.
I still have a fight going on with my partner from time to time about my writing. After all, He has demands upon my time more so while I have not had a job. I need to work but since I haven’t been able to this has kept me sane and given me the outlet to keep working towards something however small it might be. I also need space for my own thoughts, to release them without judgement. We don’t always agree and I don’t want to argue. We don’t often unless it’s something important or I feel really strongly about, but we talk about everything. I mean everything and sometimes I just crave some peace and quiet and it feels like overload. If I can’t get out on my own then I go and write. It helps to have some of your own space to do this uninterrupted. I make sure that I write most days even if it is just a diary entry just before I sleep. The pages on my phone have become my silent notebook if I need to write in the early hours or the morning and not all of it gets published here.
I used to carry notebooks around when I was working. I still have many of them and will go back to that since the batteries on the phone are always running low and it still needs to work as a phone I have been thinking of getting an electronic notebook though it might save me time when I’m going to work again. I like to get things put on the laptop and backed up since losing my hard drive a couple of years ago. I found it devastating. I don’t like to lose things.
I have recommended and encouraged others to venture into the world of blogging, to begin their own journey and see where it takes them for me so far it has been such a wonderfully rewarding experience.
Today I received a notification that I had received 1337 likes to my blog. A strange number to celebrate, but hey I’m glad that people out there in the big wide world are still liking what I write. I also now have 160 followers, so to all of you. I Thank You, I am grateful for you all making it worthwhile.
The Yellow Mini
It was her first one. Mum’s first car of her very own. A yellow Mini with a Black roof and bonnet stripes. In the brightest yellow that she could find. Yes it was loud and it resembled all of the things she wanted to be. Racy, Daring, Fun and it reminded of her of a bee, which she loved, because it was bright yellow and black.
It would take her to places she had never been before where the only limit was the fuel she could put in the tank. She would pack her bag and drive to her parents, once the caring for them was over for the weekend, she would return to her family. Racing the fast cars along the forest roads with a smile stretched out across her face. She felt alive behind the wheel, with a spirit of adventure, just for that short time.
It gave her the freedom she had so long craved. Freedom from the day to day, whatever the weather. The other motorists smiled as she passed them by. Her happiness beaming like a beacon across her face. She loved that car, for all it represented to her and they had no idea.
Art Nouveau at every corner…
The thing that I loved about my recent trip is that it set me on my way for something on the bucket list, to find as many Art Deco and art nouveau buildings as I can and photograph them. Well, I am just back from Barcelona within the last month, which was a real eye opener for me and didn’t disappoint.
Of course I wouldn’t have to travel alone if a friend or family member wanted to join me, so that’s always an option. I don’t know how I’d be abroad totally on my own. I think I need a bit more confidence before I take that step. But there’s hope for me as I’m only uncertain not terrified at the thought of it. Time would be my own and I wouldn’t have to do a particular thing. There again though it wasn’t like that when Mum and I travelled it was very relaxed. We did not have an itinerary just expressed a wish of things to see and she noticed things that I did not when we were out and about. A beautiful doorway here and there, or architectural detail. Something on the bus which I made her get off to show me so I could capture it.
Like this place for instance, a gorgeous and working original Art nouveau designed working pharmacy in Barcelona. What is lovely is that people were so accommodating when we wanted to wander around their shops taking photos. They invited us in to do so with no obligation to purchase something.
We did say that it would be interesting to see how many of our photographs were of the same things since we shared a keen eye for so many of the sights.
I don’t claim to be an expert on anything, merely an enthusiast. Yes as I think about it, I am an enthusiast of so many things.
So along with my growing list of things that I’d like to do this year. I’m afraid my bucket list is growing too and I don’t think that’s a bad thing really. It simply means that I have not had enough of the experiences of this world. There is more and more that I wish to see and do before I die and if I don’t get to do it all soon, then I’ll just have to live a long and happy one.
Type “Yes”, If you Agree…
I am talking about the great photo’s that you see every day of the year on social media specifically on Facebook.
The ones which have been ruined with the words “Type Yes If You Agree”
Well I was going to put them in an album, my inspiration and appreciation of beautiful things, perhaps have a pinterest folder just for them. But they just bug me, nine times out of ten I don’t save them because those great quotes or photo’s which have been ruined by those words.
Why can’t we just appreciate them for their good photography or wording. Haven’t they heard that you post what you want to say in the top then put the picture in? Do they really want a load of yes’ in their comments what purpose does that serve?
It may be down to gathering likes or demographics but it’s just frustrating.
What Did He Say?
Ah, this clip takes me back to my childhood, the first time I heard it there were peals of laughter which filled the house and we all raced to the television to look at it. Mum had the song The Israelites on an album by Desmond Dekker and it was unusual to hear it on the TV at that time.
We often have misheard things, we go out walking and with cotton wool in my ears as I have had to have the past few months, during our walks I often find myself asking of my partner, “What did he say?” as someone walks past. It is a bit of a dead loss though since my partner is partially deaf in one ear and you can bet it will always be that side that the person has passed us by on, he does the same to me, which is usually met with shrugging from me since I have no idea.
We make a fine pair don’t we?
A Clean Break
It was going so well, and then I fell…..
I remembered that my brother used to use this phrase, but it was usually injected with humour after he had done something on a night out, when he had been foolish and got drunk and got caught out in his actions.
I haven’t done anything involving alcohol for a while now or which would apply in this scenario.
However I feel this morning that this saying applies to me.
You see in all of what happened during last year, In August I was referred back for counselling and have been trying to get through everything with the loving support of my family and friends. Sometimes barely holding it together but somehow scraping through. I have been on a list and in the past couple of weeks have been questioning whether I actually need that counselling when my turn comes. I thought that I have been able to heal from last year and had made progress especially since the arrival of furry son #2, otherwise known as the care bear. After all I can now leave the house without fear or panic although I am still watching my back. I have been able to go visiting friends and family and get the shopping again and keep the small quantity of appointments that have been made. I even got and made it through a job interview which was real progress. With legs that felt like lead I walked to it, lightheaded and feeling nausea coming over in waves as I tried it o remember to breathe in full blown panic. I cannot recall what I said to myself to calm me down before I went inside other than, they are only human and if it’s meant to be. Then it’s meant to be.
I came out of there feeling that it had gone well, I was told that I interviewed well and the woman spoke about two jobs that she felt I would be right for. I said that of the two, personally I felt I would be better suited to one of them and she said she would let me know. It was a little over a week before Christmas. I heard nothing. After Christmas I contacted the person who had called me for interview to see if she had any news. She chased up the interviewer and came back to me with apologies for the delay but I did not get either job. Fair enough it clearly wasn’t meant to be but it was a setback.
[However the job search continued and I apply for anything that I feel I can do, old want to do. You see I do not have an industry. I want to find new things. I had a thirst for new experiences and knowledge. I have worked in several industries and yes, there are some I would be happy to return to and other’s I was glad when that episode of my life ended. ]
Meanwhile I have been bonding with our adopted dog and here for my partner who has been unwell. We have spent this valuable time together and both feel that it has been essential to our healing. We have talked openly about depression in both of us and the physical care that he now needs on a daily basis due to his health issues. I am that care giver. I wondered out loud last week how he would cope if I were not. It didn’t please him I should have kept my thoughts inside. We have talked about our escape from this place and the situation which has left us feeling so melancholy and the fact that the authorities are powerless to stop the man who is still running wild and free having threatened our very existence for several months of last year. Life is not the same for us. Our loss and grief continues to marr what could be such a good life and threatens our happiness on a daily basis. Thoughts of our beloved dog and how sick he became due to the actions of that person. My partner and I have also become sick through it all both physically and mentally we have struggled through it and we are not out the other side yet.
Yes I am angry. Not in a twisted way or hellbent on revenge as some might be. I am trying to forgive but I am unable to do that yet. I feel as though the only way that will happen is when I no longer see his evil smile. It is not a kind, happy smile which welcomes you. It is an angry sneer belittling everything you do or feeling that you have whilst he is planning his next move. I can do nothing but watch and wait anticipation it before it happens and trying to diffuse the anger that builds since he is getting away with it. Treating the authorities and the people who look after him, despite the fact he is more than capable of looking after himself, with utter contempt and disdain. He is pulling the wool over their eyes an accomplished actor donning many disguises to play the parts. He has them fooled, he can even do meek and mild and quietly reserved until they bring him back and his champion of the world kicks back in to rule with an iron fist and all the time he knows exactly what he is doing, the consequences of his actions and the mayhem and upset that he wreaks.
I thought that I was coping with it all but I am dogged with a voice two octaves lower than it should be. A gravelly throat with visible lumps inside it and a persistent cough which chokes me at night. This is not a metaphor but it so easily could be. It is the reality and I am stifled. The police told me that I could not say these things about him. That it may incite violence or ill feeling towards him and that he is vulnerable. So for months now I have felt stifled and unable to speak. At times I have almost lost my voice, literally hoarse from a condition which My doctor told me was brought on by stress. The lumps come and go Antibiotics have no effect upon them. I wonder if there is any physiological reason for it. Is it connected to the pain and temporary deafness which comes and goes. My referral to the ENT department cannot come soon enough. But I cannot help wondering if it all stems from this trauma which continues to play with everything I do or think.
I thought I may not need the counselling that there is someone out there who may be more deserving of it. A letter arrived this week asking me if I still required it. I wasn’t sure. My partner was very matter of fact he told me to get on the phone. There are things that you sometimes feel you want to talk about with others. We can talk about anything but as he has figured from my past experience with the counselling, we need to go and do it and get that other perspective. From someone who is outside of the situation and whose judgement is not clouded by knowing how you think. I have requested the same counsellor since the barriers of getting to know someone even in that controlled environment have already been broken down. She was like a new friend to me. I appreciate everything she told me, both personal and professionally in our sessions and it would be nice to see her again as she knows my history to an extent.
I have realised in the past two days that I have a long way to go before I have recovered from this trauma and ordeal. I have been trying to kid myself that it was over and I could move on but it isn’t. The realisation that the creature over the road has been biding his time, waiting for the fuss to die down so that he can start all over again has been tough to stomach. With the arrival of mysterious foodstuffs placed in sections of the garden in places the dog could find have made me realise he is up to his old tricks again. My partner called him on it and other neighbours have seen him throwing food into our garden. We have picked it up and inspected it, but poisons can be unscented but when food is spoiled it does change consistency and colour. So far we have not seen any sickness but when the pup is off his food with a hot nose we worry that we may have missed something and he has found it. But I will not let the creature rule this year. I will not live in fear again whilst he flaunts his carefree existence. He will not tie us up in knots day after day worrying, but he already is, the sickness I feel in the stomach is already there with a gut feeling that knows he has already got to us so I must learn to stop that. There has been a distinct shift in our moods since the arrival of the odd food in the garden and we check for more before we let the dog out there. Every time and thoroughly.
I know that to get out of the situation here would be a new start, a clean break would be a positive thing for us and I am trying to make that happen but I need help. A new job, a new home should be a positive thing, but why does it feel that we are giving up and running away. Why should we be chased off by a situation we cannot fix? We have spent six months trying to think of another way, trying to make it work here and get on with our lives. Our lives have been on hold, waiting for the problem to be dealt with by the authorities and we are no nearer a resolution. I cannot sit and wait, I do not want our time to run out, or be cut short by someone who feels that their actions will never be accountable. He has no fear, a whole lot of other problems maybe but no fear.
I need to move us on from this, to stop it eating away at us to reboot our onboard thinking we are not running away, but are making a break for freedom from this. Life has dealt us some blows, thrown a few bricks at us. It is time we begin to build new things with them.
About This Time of The Year
There is something about this time of year which I cannot explain. I don’t cope very well in the cold and it is usually the coldest month of the year, when the bitter winds blow and you cannot feel your face. In the last few months I have suffered with tremendous pain in my ears and throat on a regular basis and as yet unexplained. I was told that it was eustachian tube disfunction and prescribed something for it but it didn’t work. So I resort to plugging my ears with cotton wool every time I leave the house.
So in the coldest time of the year, why am I missing our beloved Scotland so much. True, for the past four years we have spent either Christmas or New Year and sometimes both up in Scotland, braving the cold and enjoying the scenery. It felt normal to us to be there. It was where we went for Kato’s holiday and this year we didn’t. This year we had Roki who hasn’t got used to travelling yet so has no desire to take such a trip. We hope that in time that will change. Oh I do hope so, then we will be able to show him our wonderful piece of heaven.
Meanwhile maybe because it was Burns Night a couple of weeks ago and there is a plethora of Scotland on our TV screen is what is making me homesick. I know that it is totally impractical at present but I was looking wistfully at jobs there earlier today.
I have been cooking these past few days. Things which I do not usually make and have enjoyed it. I haven’t been well this week, none of us have so this is my way of helping us to heal. By preparing food wholesome comforting winter food. I was also thinking of making marmalade again. I haven’t done for a few years now I used to make orange and ginger and add brandy for a bit of hooch. It was nice.
I am missing the hill and all of it’s little oddities. I know that I could not stay there in this cold weather. We would freeze and so would our water supply which would be difficult up there. I am craving the time when we are able to go there at will whenever we wish and do not have to rely upon friends for water or baths.
I am missing the trees, the wildlife and the light which brings me peace and calms me and it is this that I am thinking of tonight again as I cannot sleep. Yes I am tired. But for some reason I am wide awake and thinking of our sanctuary once again. He talked about the beautiful burn which he filled with stones for me, so that the water would run freely through it and we would not be overrun with mosquitoes. It nearly killed him as so many things almost did that year. He wanted to do it for me, to surprise me. I am glad I brought him home in time. He was ill that year too collapsing with blood poisoning a week after his return due to an infection in his jaw.
We have a supply of wood, but this time of year I know that it would not last us very long. I am conscious that it would not be easy to replenish it despite all the trees that have fallen. My first foray with a chain saw this year does not exactly qualify me to log 150 foot pine trees, I would need a much larger saw than we have and I still have not fitted the log burner in the other room or repaired the chimney. There is so much to do and now is not the time to do it. Yes I would need a team of helpers. I don’t have any.
I am constantly amazed at the people who can turn their hand to anything. I am a creative person and I also have a practical nature but my tools are old and a little basic and my knowledge is sketchy. I am willing to learn and give almost anything a try. I have thought of opening up the place to helpers far and wide and offering food and board in return for help to get our house fixed up but he will not entertain the idea. He doesn’t want people tramping all over our private place. He likes the solitude that it provides.
We have a select few friends I there, who do not encroach and are always welcomed when they arrive.
I wonder, Is the dream moving farther away as the years go by? Seven years this year we got this magical place and I thought back then that we would’ve been well on our way to having it sorted out. In truth we are such a long way off, not much nearer to the goal. Although at least the majority of the ground is cleared and we can see what we have now.
We have been reevaluating these last few days. Trying to figure out what is the best action to take. A step in the right direction to make some progress and changes for he better. We are undecided as to whether our southern lifestyle needs to drastically change but personally I feel that it has to. A move might be on the cards this year and this would not be an easy task. It is also likely to cost us financially and we are not set up for it despite my best attempts I am no nearer to getting full time paid work. All this time later, I still do not have my head above water which makes me hesitant rush in and do it all over again, I need to find the right job, which pays the bills without a shortfall.
In My Solitude.
(In My) Solitude. A song that I have not heard for some time now it was on an album of Aretha Franklin’s Greatest Hits which was given to me by my Great Uncle, when I was about thirteen years old and which I had cherished for many years.This song is one of my favourites from the album, which I would belt out singing in times gone by but I also find it slightly haunting when hearing it again, but have a love for it. I think I was fortunate enough to make a cassette tape of it, but due to the damp in storage, too many things were ruined and so they were disposed of.
But I have been feeling pretty blue and it set me off thinking…
It also prompted me to write the following poem, my first in over a month.
In my solitude.
Oh Teddy you were so beautiful, it is plain to see.
It brings a lump to my throat to know that you are free.
And as my eyes fill with tears. I remember once again,
That in your face which I held near, you could not hide your pain.
But when we danced, around and round and laughter filled the air,
We sat upon the floor together as your paw stroked in my hair.
We often sat there thinking as your eyes gazed into mine
You were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen and were simply divine.
My wonderful boy your expressions were just filled with love,
Remembering the times that you’d also cajole and shove.
I’m flicking through the photos that I will here keep on my phone.
I think of when we lost you and feel somehow alone.
In the flesh you are now gone, but in my mind you remain.
To not dwell in the past, I will try to refrain.
You fur kept as a keepsake, your ashes by the bed.
And as I say goodnight and rest my weary head.
I say goodnight to all of you, my safety there to keep.
And often think of you again, which always makes me weep.
The tears fall here again as I sit in solitude,
Thinking of the times we had and being so subdued.
The love that you gave to me, was second to none.
And as I hope to heal from loss, I’ve only just begun.
But now there is a new boy here to comfort me, he sits here at my feet.
The soppiest one whose staying near you’d ever hope to meet.
A loving boy we’ll cherish with a heart of gold
I hope he’ll stay with us for years till we all grow old.
Mi Casa Su Casa – Casa Lola Via Laietana
It was a wonderful day, we had wandered about looking again in awe at the sights that surrounded us when we were heading back to the hotel. On our last night I was determined that although it was nice and I mean the food was really nice, I did not want us to be the Brits who always go to the same place to eat on holiday. That I would be such a cliche. So I pushed us to go back to the hotel to get freshened and dressed up. Mum had promised me a birthday meal whilst we were away and I did not want to go somewhere local once we came back, what would be the point of that. We were in this wonderful place and although we were tired, there were restaurants aplenty there. We were heading back with our feet aching when we stumbled upon Casa Lola. It wasn’t a cafe at all it served tapas and other lovely things and the decor put an immediate smile upon my face. I stopped to take photos from outside and a man strode towards us smiling. Come inside if you like, he said inviting us in. I said that we weren’t ready to eat, he said that’s Ok you don’t have to, you can come in just to take photos. So I did. It was five minutes walk from the hotel even in the heels I was definitely going to wear so I asked if I could see the menu and he told me that it is all freshly cooked at the bar where you can see it. I figured out that there was food I could eat and would also enjoy being an awkward diner due to allergies I have to check.
All good. I Thanked the man for allowing me to take photos and explained that we had to go back to the hotel but that we would return. He probably hears that all the time I thought, but I wanted to do this.
We walked back and got sorted out dressed up changed and walked back. He was pleased to see us “Thankyou for returning,” he said. I said that we would I replied. He showed us to a seat and we ordered wine. We still had half a bottle of a lovely Tempranillo Merlot sitting in the hotel room from the night before. It was so fruity and tasked like raisins but so smooth too, we had savoured a glass each before crashing out to sleep the night before. So we ordered a Tempranillo which was just as good, by the glass as it was already late we did not think we would have time to drink it all.
We began with a starter of Tapas I ordered steamed mussels which were absolutely right and tomato ciabatta bruschetta whilst Mum ordered cod. She made me try it, it was cooked to perfection and melted in the mouth and was served with a grilled red pepper and asparagus and lightly dressed with sea salt.
For our main course, we tried the seafood paella. It was darker than I had anticipated and served in a cast iron skillet but the flavours were intermingled beautifully. Mum was distinctly unimpressed with the seafood on top.
We sat observing the other diners, there are convex mirrors on the walls which made her view so much easier. Three ladies at another table were having a lovely time and we commented on it was like watching me with my two best friends when we got together. Although that has been far too long since that happened.
We looked at deserts which are notoriously difficult for me as Mum fancied one. I considered ordering the cod starter which she had chosen. It tasted so good. She went off to investigate them and spoke with the man who arrived back just before she did with a wonderful fresh fruit salad that he had made for me. The strawberries within it were so fresh and juicy it was just right.
He also asked the waitress to bring me another glass of red wine which was “a gift, on the house”
By 10pm it was starting to get busy in there. A man joined the ladies for Tapas and drink and then proceeded to rearrange the front of the restaurant to set up a sound system at about 11pm and started to play some really good tunes. A real mix of music and including a bit of jazz and some mixed up old songs. I’m not great with loud music but this was not too loud. You could still hold a conversation and Mum was considering getting up to dance, saying that was one thing that was missing from our holiday. Dancing. I told her that she could but I wasn’t drunk enough to attempt to dance. A necessity before I would have. I have never been a dancer.
We ordered coffee and as it arrived I smelled the coffee. We had not had a cup all day, no wonder we felt so tired and were flagging! But I have to say that at that point it tasted and smelled like the best coffee in the world! It was smooth on the tongue and livened the senses. I bowed to the coffee gods, thanking them, it made mum laugh.
At the end of the meal I thanked the man. Explaining that this I had a wonderful birthday meal and such a lovely evening in this wonderful place. I also thanked him for the wine. He said it was a pleasure and Thank you for your custom it was lovely to meet you.
We walked back to the hotel. We had a lovely evening and enjoyed the remainder of the lovely red wine as I rang my partner to tell him all about it. It really was the best way to spend our last night on this wonderful place.
byindiablue 