Tag: happy

Broken Pieces

Broken pieces.

All these years and all this pain.
I wonder what there is to gain?
From time spent waiting for them to mend,
Broken pieces of my beloved friend.
Just fix him up the best you can
So life goes on for this lovely man
You see he has still things to do
Mountains and seascapes, enjoying the view.
A day with smiles and without pain,
Would give so much to see again.
And signs of way down deep inside,
Where Happy used to once reside.
The brightness of a sunny day,
Can often chase his clouds away,
But damp and cold within his night,
Will often give him stress he’ll fight.
So take up the challenge, make him well
I know that only time can tell.
If he’ll be who he once was again
But years go by it’s not a game.
Places to go, people to see
He’s coming there along with me.
He has so very much to give,
Give back his life to let him live.

 

Saab Monte Carlo Yellow

image010It was his favourite of all the cars that they had owned together. They had enjoyed many Saab’s over the years but this one remained in his memories and had a lace in his heart. Of all of them this one was his smile factor.

A bright yellow Saab 900 convertible. It was not the original shape vehicle, but the newer model on a 1998 registration. A 2.3 petrol engine with an Automatic gearbox and as it changed through it’s gears it flew with a whisper quiet engine. They loved it. It took them all over the country on many trips away, exploring together in the sunshine. Even in huge rainstorms you couldn’t help but smile. It made you feel like you were a small child that had found the biggest puddle in your favourite wellies. A car which made you feel totally safe. It’s big comfortable black leather interior always looked smart and turned heads approvingly down whichever street we drove.

They took it to Belgium and France on holiday, on day trips. Visited family and felt sure in the knowledge that they were perfectly safe exploring new things together. Those were happy times when they were younger and more carefree.

When he decided to get her new car some time later, he gave it up included into the deal. He regretted it, not for weeks but for years but did not say so for she would have wanted him to keep it.

Although they had many other Saab’s of the same model it was never quite the same. Later when the truth emerged that it was his favourite they looked for another to recapture the times gone by, to create new memories and to drive through France again exploring new things together. They haven’t managed to get another one yet, always somehow missing out when they see one, but she has not given up hope of fulfilling that particular wish just yet.

The Daily Post – Yellow

The End of an Affair

A Short Story

As the couple stood underneath the departures board at the station. People waiting all around to see which platform they needed her eyes were drawn to them. A well dressed man stood in front of her with a well dressed woman. He looked anxious as he was talking loudly to her. Almost shouting but unintentionally he just had one of those voices which carried. He was not speaking quietly but he looked concerned as he spoke.

It was Christmas week, as people were thinking about spending time together. Although she was looking up at the departure board, her eye was being drawn to the couple below it. It was clearly the time to end their affair. He was trying to work out why she was watching them, did she look familiar or perhaps know one of them. It was sad she felt for the woman whose face she could not see, it seemed so insensitive to do this in not only a public place but right under the departure board. The onlooker wondered why he would pick such a public place to end it, where there is no where in private to mask the inevitable emotions that follow a break up. He started to look uncomfortable but kept watching the onlooker over his lady’s shoulder, wondering if he had been recognised but still they did not move away. The onlooker willed her train platform to appear on the board but there was a full 20 minutes before it was due to leave. He stood talking, reasoning as the words drifted across to the ones who waited there. All the time she stood motionless. “You’re a lovely girl.” He placed a hand on each arm like you would to steady a child who was out of control, or as you would draw someone into an embrace. But he did neither, he just continued “But I am a Married Man and I don’t know what I can do” Her response was inaudible but she may have tried to reason with him, or had she known all along just be accepting. He told her not to cry so within a moment it was clear the outcome but she did not shake and appeared composed. He moved her to one side about 20 feet away and dropped his voice slightly, the noise of the busy station muffled the words, leaving the rest only to her imagination. The onlooker hoped that they would not be on the same train, not in the same carriage and hoped that the woman would be alright. At least she could start the New Year with a new start, not clinging to the old life for it would no longer serve her. She did not have such concern for the man who was dumping her. At that point he became insignificant. As the onlooker looked again above them at the departures, she hoped that this new year would bring good things for the people she loved and even herself, if that was allowed. She looked forward to the welcome she would get from her family as she stepped inside the door as she arrived home. The embraces and laughter. She thought of the wonderful gift of time spent with loved ones that she had been given and felt happy. As she smiled to herself she looked below and the couple had vanished, just as quickly as they had appeared.

To Those Who Are Getting Help. 

This is a bit of a follow on Post from the other day about CBT When Those Three Letters Mean Totally Different Things and when it’s just time to Breathe!

Someone very dear to me and whom I haven’t seen for some time had told me that they are getting help to work through their issues. I am so happy for them since although I love them it has been really hard for me to stay away but I had to for my own good. I didn’t want to be hurt again. So this is kind of like an open letter to them and others seeking some answers from within who have decided to speak to a professional.

First of all, I am proud of you. Now if you don’t know me personally then you might say, so what! But, down the line if you get to thinking have I done the right thing? Trust me if anyone is proud of you then it helps. The first step is to recognise that there is something you need to sort out and by seeing a counsellor then you may find that you understand better and can help control the emotions that wreak havoc.

Secondly, if you get past the group therapy of a CBT course and feel you need to see a counsellor one to one you are going to feel emotionally exhausted once you start talking. The process of opening up and talking about your innermost thoughts is going to hurt like hell so you are going to need some pretty tough people around you as you act like a child from time to time and let it all out, which is totally normal and part of your healing from whatever you are going through. You will release whatever is inside and the way it comes out may surprise you. Leaving you thinking Who is this person I fail to recognise? 

After your sessions, take a walk on your own. Sit in the car for a while, take some time for yourself to calm down before you drive home. If you like me felt sensory overload then you might also want to escape afterwards. But although you may want to flee the scene, for goodness sake do not drive when you are emotional if you can avoid that since you are most likely to lose concentration which could cause an accident. I used to sit in the car for about half an hour, do something like check my Facebook or text my friends and family or call them before heading off and then I used to just drive.  Go and find something beautiful to look at somewhere, or feel the wind on your face for a while.

I was also advised to Do something for yourself, just you every week, then every day. Just one small thing can make a huge difference when you are running around after everyone else. For me it was to become creative again and write whenever I can. I still come up against obstacles when someone would rather that I did something else. But I am hanging on to this one thing for me although it began as a small part of my therapy. It has become so much more.

At the end of it all you may feel a bit lost and wary of people since you have opened your heart and mind to a relative stranger and are still pretty raw. So take time to heal your mind, body and soul. If you can, during this time try to avoid getting drunk or high (if either of those are your thing) since you may feel differently to how you were before and may not actually recognise the person you are becoming.

It will take time so allow yourself that. Good Luck on your journey and when change begins to happen for you, however hard this might be, embrace it. You never know what might happen. Remember that there is a future out there and you have a part in it.

The Scents of our Memories

If I were to ask what your favourite scent is I wonder what would spring to mind?

Whether just one thing, or many of them, what memories would they bring to you.  I have so many, I could not pick just the one.

So, in no particular order here are some of mine.

Fresh Mown Grass.  Laying on it in summertime, looking up at a blue sky with clouds.

Baking Bread. On the few occasions I’ve made it myself, the wonderful scent lingers in the home, I don’t do that nearly often enough.

Freshly Brewed Coffee. Reminding me of sunny mornings, with the light streaming through the window, sitting overlooking my favourite view on the hill.

Freesias, Roses, Lavender.  Just a few of my favourite flowers.

Sea Salt on the air. A reminder of all the moments, happy and sad when I sat on the beach.

Ysatis by Givenchy.  When I was younger, this was my signature scent. Years ago, my friend was in Hospital with difficulties when her first daughter was born, I remember her telling me that she knew I had been by her side because she had smelled my perfume when she awoke.

So which scents invoke special memories for you? Do share…

The Daily Post – Aromatic

 

 

 

 

Hello To The New Boy

Hello to the New Boy
Who has come to us to stay,
When we’ve got more used to him,
He’ll come to join the fray.
He is just a youngster, with character so large.
With kindness and good manners,
Through a doorway he won’t barge.
Will greet you with Hello paws,
Not uninvited climb.
And when asked whose is that Dog,
I’ll be proud to say, He’s mine.
Cuddles and sweet nature, will brighten every day
There’s lots of love to share and so much time to play.
Will bring to you a toy, so you’ll not be lonely or become sad
We’ve just adopted him, our soppy little lad.
He’s been sent to join us, to stay here till the end,
Hello to the New Boy, our little furry friend.
So as I welcome him and I am pleased to say,
Come on in my darling, Happy Gotcha Day!

Spirits

ghosts-gespenter-spooky-horror-40748-medium

The spirits which visited me so regularly, have gone elsewhere.
My sleep is no longer haunted, my dreams less so.
I do not wake in a cold sweat feeling as though touched by something evil.
I cannot feel it’s breath upon my face, it caressing my hair.
There is no longer someone seated at the end of the bed when I am jolted awake in the night.

I am healing, nurtured by the safety of the love around me
Happy in the knowledge that it is genuine.
I will not come to any harm
My faithful hound at my feet, guarding me from evil forces.
Comforting me when I am restless
I can sleep safe in the knowledge that this is indeed a good place.

_______

Since writing this only 2 months ago, it has sat in my draft folder. It did not seem the right time to post it although our lives were feeling positive and as though finally turning a corner. We were calm, satisfied with the way things were at the time and looking forward to how our Summer was supposed to be.  And then it happened. An experience much like the first verse again. I awoke shouting trying to send it away.  A bad dream? It felt like something else….

Since then all manner of hell has unleashed itself upon our family and our world has been turned upside down. At the moment, I know longer feel that I know most of what is good and true, it seems often alien to me. I have almost lost the two biggest things in my life, it has changed beyond recognition in a mere 2 months. I have changed into an angry, sad and unreserved person, who speaks using words I would never have used before. Before, I would have kept my mouth shut. I am not proud of the language which is shooting out of my mouth, showing my pain to anyone and everyone.  It is borne out of frustration for the life I am currently in and is not directed at people, but it is unpleasant for me to be around, so I have kept myself away for fear of offending. I have never been this person before and I think it shows my weakness for all to see.  I don’t like being this person.  Although I want to change, I feel incapable right now of doing so. I am hurting, in pain and it won’t go away. I want our life to change for the better, I feel that I cannot cope with worse and I am fighting each day just to remain on top of it all, when the instinct is to hide under the wave of whatever has come our way, until it has passed.  Fight or Flight? Hunker down and it might pass, that is part of the old me, but it just isn’t passing. It needs a really hard shove and it is threatening to swallow me whole.   I feel helpless to handle it and just like an inner child, I want it to go away, somewhere else, where it can harm us no more.  Where we will not be tormented or scared, whether we choose to admit it or not.  I want the hell to go. I keep reminding myself that I AM STRONG, it doesn’t feel like I am at the moment. I need that strength to return to me, ten times over, not just have fighting talk but to take action. I don’t want to be frightened, I do not want to live in torment any longer or waiting for something worse to happen to us and I want it to be stopped before it does. I need to wake from this living nightmare, calm, refreshed and able to take it head on and totally slay it, just like the dragons.

Image: Morguefile.com

Decay #6 Blessed with a great outlook

IMG_1522

On Bank Holiday Monday I spent the afternoon with my sister.  We chilled out at home talking about all kinds of things then ventured out in the car to a nearby river.  It is lovely how a quick trip to water brightens the day.

She has recently bought a car and I am enjoying the afternoons where we can go out and see some of the great countryside which surrounds us, where I get to show her the places she hasn’t seen before, which are right on our doorstep and she gets to practice her driving.  It makes a change not to be the driver. More importantly, we also get to be sisters again, when we are out on our own and just be ourselves.  We were talking about location shoots since she is after some new promotional pictures for her work and I tried to think of places which were a little out of the ordinary.

I thought of just the place and took her along the river. It was threatening rain all afternoon, so we went over there early evening for an hour or so, despite the slightly grey evening, we messed around with our cameras and I came away Happy with a load of new shots and making new memories as she put it.  Although I will not be the photographer for her promo shots, I also got some nice ones of her.

I decided that I would add some more images, bit by bit to the series called Decay, which I have photographed over a period of time.  So, here goes…

 

Welcome Back

I have missed your kisses.
The taste of you as you kiss me,
The pressure of your mouth upon mine.
Exploring me as you look into my eyes.
Reaching for me in that all enveloping make you feel loved and safe, nothing else matters moment.
I have missed the closeness, of your head resting against mine, being hand in hand and the curl of your hair, soft under my fingers.
Sickness had placed a distance between us, a cruel infection that neither had wanted the other to share, but inadvertently done so, making us sad, erratic and ill. Although a temporary setback we have been together all along, but that something has been missing, the closeness and we were somehow detached.

You are still here, I am still here, Let‘s celebrate.
Yesterday I stole my first kiss from you in ages and whispered “Welcome Back”
Although I had not even meant to do so it came so naturally, It made us both smile. I ran my fingers through your hair and sat cuddled up close to you, hand in hand and happy. We are Home, we are together.