Category: Uncategorized

Transport 

I love it when a blog post takes you to a place where you have never been before and just for a brief time you are transported wherever it may be. It is so descriptive that you are there enjoying that moment along with the author. All the sights and sounds that surround them are playing on the senses and your own imagination kicks in. Perhaps you are noticing other things for the first time too. It is what I subconsciously aim for when I write a story. I don’t always feel that I manage it, but when it comes together, Ah success!

I don’t often read books, it is not a luxury I’m often able to afford myself, you see I’ll let you into a secret. They aren’t something I can put down again. I get so wrapped up in them, transported I guess that I am unable to switch off until I have reached the end. On the last two occasions I actually read books it was cover to cover and nothing got done for the day. Thankful for small mercies that I read pretty quickly though. Quite often even then I have considered what might happen next, another chapter. I’ve often considered writing one at the end of a book I’ve particularly enjoyed.  I do the same with a film the concentration is immense. But if anything breaks that for me and I miss a bit then quite often I will walk away mid film and watch it another time, much to the annoyance of my partner.

One such post transported me there is this one Helen Hayward Going Home for Christmas which I read tonight. It got me thinking about the places which have been home over the years, she quoted a friend “Never go back to the place where you were happiest as a child’, a friend once told me. ‘The place you went on holiday to, a garden from childhood, a tree house in the woods. It’s gone, lost’, she said firmly, ‘and you can’t refind it’.”

Revisiting them is not always a good idea. Crossing back to the time before we became grown up, when we looked at everything so differently. First off we often expect it to be the same and it just isn’t the same. Not when you have grown up but still we have a fondness for the familiar don’t we. The inspiration following a memory we once had.

I walked down the high street where I grew up as a teenager and later lived in the town nearby. It has changed so much, I did not recognise it and yet it still somehow brought me comfort in the memories that I hold of the place. We all grow up one day, people and places in an ever changing world.

The Daily Post – Crossing

How Many Do We Get?

A leading question and forgive me for a moment if I’m going to go deep…

I am talking about how many chances to make a new life? Something better than before, or at least different. I am sometimes likened to a cat by those who know me, but I wonder whether I have the nine lives people so often speak of. I don’t know how many chances I have had. I have never thought to count them before or even how many I may have already used up and I’m not going to start now.  For whatever the answer is, I am grateful.

What I do know is that throughout our life we are given so many opportunities to make it different. Some we may miss. It may be that we simply don’t see them at the time. Or that they come out of nowhere and we reach out and life as we know it changes completely.

I want to tell you about one such time in my life. It was 8 years ago (Oh how time flies) this week, just days before my Birthday.

I had prayed so long for the moment, hell I’d even begged for it. The operation which I was sure would change my adult life from the one that had been plagued thus far with pain and illness. Once they had found out that the cause of all this misery was Endometriosis, an incurable condition and I had met the specialist, then he could set about sorting me out finally. I was overflowing with hope of what would come to me in my new life after they agreed to give me a full hysterectomy. The pressure in the past that I’d felt, to provide children to complete my existence was suddenly removed and I could finally move on from it. By just announcing “I can’t have children”, instead of the wistful ” I don’t have children…. yet.” Somehow the weight was instantly lifted and it was just accepted by others as well as myself. It was also possible that since my pain and symptoms were cyclical and my menstrual cycle outweighed the rest of the month, this surgery just might put an end to it in one fell swoop. It was a drastic approach, but I had tried everything else that was suggested and it hadn’t worked, I was by then absolutely desperate.

Of course I had the last minute doubts before the operation because it was so final. But, the pro’s definitely outweighed con’s in my mind as I thought about the opportunity to actually start living and be able to follow some of my dreams without being held back by my condition at last. My partner was a tower of strength and supported my decision all the way, he wasn’t going anywhere he said, we were in this together.

There were moments in the past where I had gone after a dream and encouraged by my partner had gone far and achieved things that I had not thought possible.

I awoke from the operation euphoric. Full of hope for what might come next in our lives, after the three months recovery time at home I would need. Thankful for being given the chance at starting my adult life over again. I was now going to be able to go out there and actually begin to live it! I was also extremely grateful that this time I had understanding bosses who had agreed the time off on full pay that I would need. It was such a huge relief that we did not have that particular stress hanging over us through that.

I healed really quickly on the outside and felt invincible and ready to take on the world. My partner held on tightly to the reigns for a while to stop me doing something that would set my recovery back and I started straight away on HRT patches so that I wouldn’t go into a menopausal state with immediate effect. I didn’t want to go through that on top of it all and since I was young I wanted something that would protect me from the brittle bones often suffered post menopause for as long as possible. I am still using them.

So how do I feel 8 years on from this?  Did my new life begin? Was it as awesome as I thought it would become back then?

Well, yes I got a new life compared to the old one. It started to be like most lives, it’s been a pretty mixed bag.  Not always awesome, it has been filled with ups and downs, we have been sick and healthy, jobs have come and gone. I have lost people and loved ones along the way. I have fought for what I believed in, I have tried to remain strong even when I did not think it were possible.  I have often felt as though I am at rock bottom but I have had my loved ones beside me along the way but most of all it is not over yet.  There is no “fat lady” singing yet.

I have gone sometimes off at tangents over the past few years, not really knowing where it would lead but I want the other chances which might be open to me.  A life can be long or short, we have no way of knowing which of those we will have.  As mine continues I will look for the opportunities in the hope that they present themselves as often as possible. I hope I will find them, at the corner of every street, on every day that I am lucky to wake up and to breathe and in every person I am lucky enough to meet. Yes, I do see those things as blessings, sometimes in disguise, but experience is gained from every encounter.

I haven’t yet worked out for my purpose is for this world, I feel as though somehow I am being led to help others.  I am not sure of the direction but I am certain that I have a place and I belong here and I want to make a difference, somewhere to someone.

 

The Man on our Walk

It was growing dark. The man shuffled slowly towards us, dragging his foot as he went. His shoes worn lopsided from the effort and his clothes dishevelled. His breathing was laboured, he shot me a strange look as he passed by us and I wondered why. I did not worry and did not feel under threat.

The dog was suspicious leaning his body into mine protective in his stance. The puppy with fluffy ears and long legs suddenly wolf like. There to defend me if required. Forgetting for a moment that he did not need to guard we were just out. He did not make a sound.

The man shuffled on past continuing on his way, scowling to wherever his journey took him. Moments later the puppy looked up at me and wagged his tail, whatever danger he suspected had passed. I stroked his ears, reassurance that all was well as we continued on our walk. Our breath visible in the night air, thick around our heads, clothing pulled tightly around our bodies for warmth, striding purposefully home with my furry protector.

Turning Over a New Leaf – My Take on It.

Kara Post Kennedy – Turning Over a New Leaf – Open Thought Vortex

Having just read the above post and seen the question “what change that you want to see are you now deciding to be?”

I was struck by this and also kind of stuck for an answer. It is a New Year, but are we supposed to have it all figured already?

It takes me longer than that to figure things out, maybe I should have begun to figure it all out much earlier.

So what do I think this year will hold for me?

I like so many others I’m sure, am hopeful that we as a couple will become healthier, even happier and more prosperous, perhaps a little slimmer too as I seem to have put on some extra pounds.  Maybe it’s because I cooked Apple Crumbles, with our apples from the hill. To allow us that little taste of Scotland for Christmas, which we both love and we have just finished the last of them.

I hope that I will get a great job which will provide everything that we need to survive and maybe give us a little bit more to cover some adventures along the way. I hope that my second book will be better than my first and sell so many more copies.

So as I sat at New Year, stating my intentions, getting them out there, I hoped that some at least might come to pass.

But and this is the thing, If it doesn’t all happen for me then I have made the decision that I will not beat myself up about it as I have in previous years.  I will not blame myself or those around me, most of all  I will not see it as failure if I don’t achieve all these things.  For I am giving my fate over to the universe this year and if it doesn’t deliver, then well then I have to just accept that it just isn’t the right time yet and believe that the better things will come, when they are ready.

This is my new leaf… Allowing myself to accept what good things are to come, to welcome the changes that will follow.

 

 

Quotes – Part 2.

This is the second post on the theme from my first post. Quotes for a New Year – Part 1

Not really more of the same, the subject matter is a little different this time.

Inspirational dreams can set off the stories I write, the poems which follow and the map of the road which I consider taking. Occasionally, common sense will kick in and I will tug on the reigns instead of following that direction. I accept this as all part of the process.

A life is made up of so many chapters. They can’t all be great, exciting and wonderful. So if you have a bad one, you might need some help and just try and get through and learn from it.

When things are going wrong, I often think we are better off not daring to ask, what’s next?

I feel that this quote is leading me in a direction I have yet to find. There must be a purpose, we are here for a reason, we don’t always know what it is.  One day I am sure to find out.

In other words, don’t feed the fears…

That is what I plan for each year.

There’s just something about this quote which resonates and fills me with Hope. You have to go through so much in a lifetime and don’t worry if you break along the way, for there is a chance for the light to appear.

So when someone is talking rubbish, then don’t rise to it. If you can’t escape them, then just don’t answer!

Along with the age old quote, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger I sincerely hope that my time at rock bottom will hold me in good stead. How do we become  Hero?

 

And this is what I aim to become, in whatever path I follow.

Here’s to having messy hair, Salut!

If you don’t have a forest, then find one, or at least borrow some time in one  I highly recommend it.

When you feel broken, remember this it may just give you hope.

So if just one little thing can brighten a persons day then do lots of little things as it can mount up to one helluva change.

A simple message  I don’t understand. Why do people feel the need to be unkind?

… and this is when we are we are at our happiest!

Letting go is all part of the healing process, it can be hard to try but in the end surrendering to the ingrained ideas of what “should be” and accepting what will follow can be very liberating.

I think being soft on the inside, or even allowing that side of you to be visible to others still is misconstrued as weak by so many. If only they knew! It’s an honour when someone shows you their soft side so don’t let anyone abuse that.

 

 

 

The End of an Affair

A Short Story

As the couple stood underneath the departures board at the station. People waiting all around to see which platform they needed her eyes were drawn to them. A well dressed man stood in front of her with a well dressed woman. He looked anxious as he was talking loudly to her. Almost shouting but unintentionally he just had one of those voices which carried. He was not speaking quietly but he looked concerned as he spoke.

It was Christmas week, as people were thinking about spending time together. Although she was looking up at the departure board, her eye was being drawn to the couple below it. It was clearly the time to end their affair. He was trying to work out why she was watching them, did she look familiar or perhaps know one of them. It was sad she felt for the woman whose face she could not see, it seemed so insensitive to do this in not only a public place but right under the departure board. The onlooker wondered why he would pick such a public place to end it, where there is no where in private to mask the inevitable emotions that follow a break up. He started to look uncomfortable but kept watching the onlooker over his lady’s shoulder, wondering if he had been recognised but still they did not move away. The onlooker willed her train platform to appear on the board but there was a full 20 minutes before it was due to leave. He stood talking, reasoning as the words drifted across to the ones who waited there. All the time she stood motionless. “You’re a lovely girl.” He placed a hand on each arm like you would to steady a child who was out of control, or as you would draw someone into an embrace. But he did neither, he just continued “But I am a Married Man and I don’t know what I can do” Her response was inaudible but she may have tried to reason with him, or had she known all along just be accepting. He told her not to cry so within a moment it was clear the outcome but she did not shake and appeared composed. He moved her to one side about 20 feet away and dropped his voice slightly, the noise of the busy station muffled the words, leaving the rest only to her imagination. The onlooker hoped that they would not be on the same train, not in the same carriage and hoped that the woman would be alright. At least she could start the New Year with a new start, not clinging to the old life for it would no longer serve her. She did not have such concern for the man who was dumping her. At that point he became insignificant. As the onlooker looked again above them at the departures, she hoped that this new year would bring good things for the people she loved and even herself, if that was allowed. She looked forward to the welcome she would get from her family as she stepped inside the door as she arrived home. The embraces and laughter. She thought of the wonderful gift of time spent with loved ones that she had been given and felt happy. As she smiled to herself she looked below and the couple had vanished, just as quickly as they had appeared.

Young Men aren’t supposed to Die.

 

A couple of days ago we said our final Goodbyes’ to my partner’s best friend Tommy. They had been in each other’s lives for over 40 years. So now my man is grieving again, for another lovely man like so many taken before his time.  I wrote this poem when he died.  His family did him proud though and gave him a nice service with wonderful tributes for a life well lived. He was a good man and a great friend to my partner and boy do we miss him.  This photograph was taken the day he died, from the slipway where he regularly launched his boat with his son and his friends, it is a special place. May he rest in peace now, but the memories and stories will live on.

Sometimes the sickness will deny,
But young men aren’t supposed to die.
The chance for them to fulfil their lives,
Not leave behind children and wives.
But what is young and what is old?
Who’s the one who’ll break the mould.
One with love, who’s heaven sent
A long and healthy life that’s meant.
Over the years he’d come to show
A friendship that would grow and grow.
So Dear Lord, hear my plea
Although from pain, this one’s now free.
But all along, much life to live,
For friends and family, love to give.
One dear friend who’d help the poor
In cherished memory, here no more.
I think of the extra time we’d happily buy,
Time spent to wonder, or understand why?
Taken from this life way too soon,
The light went out, an empty room.
They fought so hard to be the boss,
Left startled by such sudden loss.
So as I stop and loudly cry,
Young men aren’t supposed to die.

I am honoured to be nominated for The Sunshine Blogger Award.

A wonderful surprise, I have been nominated by Pazlo Armchair Zen – Nomination for the Sunshine Blogger Award.  It’s a first for me and I am feeling honoured to have been asked. It has taken me longer than I thought to be able to do this. I hope that I am able to do it justice.

sunshine-blog-award

Rules of the Sunshine Blogger Award:
Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog.
Answer the eleven questions set by the person who nominated you.
Nominate eleven other blogs and give them eleven questions to answer.
List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post.

The questions set by Pazlo:

How do you come to be a blogger?

I was advised by my counsellor, to take time out and do something for myself once a week and since I had been missing my creativity, she told me that I should nurture it.  I had written poetry and had a keen interest in photography which needed to be rekindled. Having begun to write poems again, I looked at how I would get them out in the open and felt that a blog was a good place to start.

Tell us a bit about where you live.

My time is currently spent between the the East Coast of Scotland where I spend my time in a rural and derelict cottage and the South of England, where I have a small bungalow. Both are coastal locations and are enjoyed in totally different ways. Scotland is my sanctuary, where I go to replenish my soul.

What other creative talents or outlets do you have, besides your blog?

I love photography and making things, and have a good eye for detail.

If you could send a text to everyone in the world simultaneously, what would you say?

Please can we have Peace?

How would you describe humankind to an alien that knows nothing of humans?

Interesting creatures, in all shapes and sizes and a mass of contradictions.

What, in your opinion, is the most important or valuable invention of modern man?

It’s a relatively simple answer for me. Travel, in it’s many forms which has brought the world closer together and opens up so many opportunities.

What attributes of your favorite season do you most admire?

Sun, Sea and Air with bright colours all around.

What is your earliest childhood memory?

Of a Bright blue painted upright piano with flowers all over it.  I was convinced that it was in our house and was devastated to be told years later that we had gone on holiday when I was about 18 month old and been in a concert hall somewhere and that was where I had seen it.

In what ways do you now differ from the person you thought you’d be when you were a teenager? 

I don’t have the biological children or the financial security that I was sure I would have by now.

Who has been an inspiration or hero in your life?

My Partner, who has been by my side through thick and thin and is my rock.

If you could be a different species, what would it be? 

I always thought that I would be a cat.  It would have to be a Tiger, since I have an inner strength that surprises me from time to time and I don’t like to be cornered.

My Eleven Questions

What inspired you to write publicly?

If you could pick one quote which describes you best, then post it.

Of the four elements, Earth Water, Fire or Air which would you be and why?

If you had never travelled abroad before and money was no object what is the first country you would go to?

What was the last thing you photographed?

Describe your perfect morning.

Animals or People, who would you prefer to spend your time with?

What motivates you?

If you had the perfect Christmas (or other seasonal holiday), how would it be?

Are you creative in any other ways other than blogging, if so then what is your passion?

If you were to describe yourself in one sentence to people who did not know you, what would you say?

Ana Linden Ana Linden

Phoebe Chi Musings of PuppyDoc

Ishita Lakra https://eddietaughtme.wordpress.com/

Truly Unplugged https://trulyunplugged.com/

Elaine https://firespiritblog.wordpress.com/

Gilly http://www.anythingexcepthousework.co.uk/

Lisa https://bloominuterus.com/

Len https://lenmoriarty.wordpress.com/

Shareen https://otvmagazine.com/

Rachel https://howtoprovide.com/

Alex https://septemberwriter.wordpress.com/

 

 

Tess https://tessblogsblog.wordpress.com/

 

Christmas, The Holidays How are you spending them?

This was going to be my “Happy Christmas” post when I began it last week.

We are still enjoying or enduring the Holiday period here in the U.K. As we head now towards New Year. I am grateful for the fact that I am enjoying it.

This Christmas I knew would be vastly different for us and I honestly did not know how it would go. After the year that we have had it couldn’t help but be. It is the first one where we have not had Kato physically with us, he was here only in spirit. He entered my thoughts daily and although I looked for signs I did not see any. However I still felt that he was part of the family here enjoying Christmas morning together.

The past week we have been getting ready for the occasion and I have never felt so unready before. I went for a job interview the week before and it went well. I came out with such a positive feeling about both the job and myself and hoped that I may be offered one of the two positions they had spoken about. That weekend, my partner told me to call my friend who was emigrating this week and book a ticket to visit her. It was a wonderful thing to do, I feared that she would be too busy but she jumped at the suggestion. So I had a fabulous time with her and her family before they went, I came back having felt such love, I was on cloud nine.

On coming home I tried to fit in getting the house “Christmassy” but had only just enough money to get food and a few small gifts for family, so had to buy gifts wisely. Whilst my partner and I sold a few items, the people came to collect. The truck went this week, I didn’t feel stressed about letting it go. The relief that we would have funds for the shortfall again this month outweighed that.

It also meant that Hope, my Beautiful blue car has been brought out of the garage and I  able to drive her again for the first time in months again thanks to the assistance of friends who made sure that she was safe for me. I played Santa and delivered gifts and cards on Christmas Eve and got to see and hug another friend I have not seen this year.

So being broke has been the new norm for this past year along with so many other emotions. But as we end the year I can’t help thinking we have lost a lot of people. Not just the ones who are old, but the ones who are taken far too soon. When faced with this situarion, you cannot help but rethink how you wish your life to be as the new year approaches.

I did not hear about the job, but that did not stop me from applying for many more this week. At some point, someone will offer me one, when the time is right so I must trust that the right one will come along too. It felt like I have turned a corner being invited for an interview can do that to you. Lift you up spirits and all and make you concentrate on the positives.

However recently my partner has been ill, he is feeling very stressed out about making ends meet but it has all come together just in time and he is wondering where the next bit will come from, looking for things he can turn around for a little profit to keep our heads above water until that elusive job comes along. But his heart is heavy and it’s making him tired and he is in pain with the various health issues he has and damage to his body over the years. He has been told to take it easy by the doctor, but the doctor knows that he doesn’t know how. Which can be a bit of a cycle for him, it also makes me worry about him.

This Christmas we did not get fancy gifts for each other. He bought me something lovely when we were in Scotland in the Autumn and I have kept it for Christmas. I bought him something he needed, a pair of boots to keep him comfortable whilst we walk the dog together and our present to each other was our beloved Roki. For Birthday, Christmas and my Birthday. No other gift is necessary as we have the love and happiness that he brings us. We collected our new baby seven weeks ago and he is the family we craved to have again.

We awoke on Christmas morning and all piled onto the bed for a big family hug. The day was mild and bright and we made plans to go out and see it. I did not spend the morning wrapping gifts for others as I had in previous years. I had managed to wrap the few that I had bought and most had already been given by then.  We sat talking, played music and had a lovely breakfast of smoked salmon omelette which is an all family favourite. I thought about the big Meal that I would make later and planned to speak to my friend to wish her a safe journey.  Our Christmas Day was non eventful to the outside world but just right for us. We sent and received messages of good cheer to family and friends but to see the face of your child as you give him presents on Christmas Day was just the perfect way to spend it.

Our boy had two fleece blankets which were donated by the emigrating friend and he was so thrilled with them. He had a rope toy which I had given him a couple of days earlier when I had returned from my trip and a woven cloth toy, which in our house is known as “A wonderful fling to be flung” which my mother had made for him. He also had some treats and was so ecstatic that he didn’t know what to play with first. So he just decided to pick up as many as he could at once, throw them all into the air and then roll on them. He is happy. I sent a message to his old family Thanking them for the most wonderful gift to us and received a touching response.

It was late evening by the time I had prepared and cooked our Christmas meal which meant we were up until very late and watching the films on the TV till the early hours. It didn’t matter so much. On Boxing Day I collected my brother and took him to our sister and her partner’s house for a feast. It was lovely, I haven’t seen any of them in months it was just nice to sit around and enjoy a meal, we also watched a funny film and laughed together.

They say it becomes different as you get older, but that is the true meaning of Christmas to us. We have love. We are not in Scotland for the first time in three years we have stayed at home. That in itself felt a little  bit odd but less stressful for me as I didn’t have to pack or travel Christmas week and it never quite feels like the holiday until you arrive at your destination.

My good intentions as to how we should spend Christmas did not come about, again we did not decorate the house for the occasion. My partner said it wasn’t important and we just ran out of time before the big day. This Christmas was about sharing Love and Time, after all who knows how much of it we have left, that was the most important thing and we achieved that.

So however you have spent yours and however you choose to spend the holiday time you have left, I hope that you enjoy it.

I want to Thank you for following my blog since I began in February, for the friendships that grow along the way and the support that you have shown me over the past few months.  I hope that we all continue on our journeys through the next year and find new inspiration, experiences to write about and I will enjoy hearing about yours.

The Daily Post – Festive

 Sisters

I am not talking about the ones you cannot choose the ones you are bonded to by birth and blood. Although I love her dearly, I am also lucky enough to have other sisters of my choosing. They are treasure to the soul and I am totally blessed to have known them and loved them.

For instance there is the girl who I have known since I was 18 months old and saw her moving in up the road, she has been a sister of mine ever since.  Sure over the years we have fought, when we were on our way to school with each other as small children, we regularly argued.  When I see or speak with her, time stands still, we are six again, chattering and laughing and always pleased to be around each other. When she went away to college and I moved away in our teenage years, I missed her so much. I am glad that I am able to see her and her family more often nowadays.

Then there is another lovely lady, with whom I have been through so much over the years. When we were 13 or 14 years old, we became blood sisters, you know where you are so close that a part of you wants to never lose that. You ceremoniously cut yourselves and say something like “your blood, my blood, our blood” and swear that you will be sisters forever.

We shared our first boyfriend, but that was not intentional, he was just a rat! We moved on from that and remained very close. Then a while later we lost touch for several years. During that time I honestly felt that a part of me was missing and I often thought about her, but did not know where to find her, or even if I should. I did not know if she would be the same girl underneath or even if she should be, but when we met up again and I met her wonderful family for the first time. It was as though no time had passed and they all were part of my family too. I am writing this as I think about the years since then and the fact that I am about to be parted from this family again as they emigrate to Australia on Christmas Day. Yes the other side of the world and wonder when I will see her again. Notice I say when, not if. You see I have a wonderful man who knows and loves me and makes things happen for me. He has driven across the countryside just to make sure that I see my friend whenever we are en route back to the South from Scotland. He knows that I will feel such loss when she is gone again, as I did before. So he has given me yet another wonderful gift. His Christmas gift to me is that yesterday told me to call her and tell her I was going to visit her and her family before she leaves next week and I am heading off on the train to see them all for a couple of days. I am so thrilled to be able to do this. We are looking forward to walking those hills together and her showing off the sights in her pretty part of Yorkshire. 

Her children when we last visited said that they would like to see me for Christmas so I have sworn her to secrecy and will just turn up at their house to surprise them. We are all excited about this unplanned visit as it was beyond my wildest dreams to see them all again since they weren’t able to visit us.

I have a treasure that is priceless. It is the people who surround me with Love and I am truly blessed and grateful.  

The Daily Post – Treasure