Unsuitable Shoes and Walking Barefoot

Barefoot

It never ceases to amaze me that the oddest things return to my memory. This afternoon I am thinking of unsuitable shoes. Or specifically unsuitable shoes for the office scenario, now it could have been an article about the office and the delights of working from home which I read earlier. https://tomhocknell.wordpress.com/2016/06/27/how-to-work-in-an-office-a-guide/
Which I thought was great, but something crept back into my subconscious and reminded me of a job I undertook a couple of years ago as a Lettings agent. I had turned my foot and did not know at the time that I had fractured one of the bones in it.

All that I knew was that I was limping, in pain and shoes were uncomfortable. It was part of the new job that I was required to be on my feet a lot and walking around the locality showing people houses. It was also the middle of summer a heatwave and having just been in the job a few days, had to rely upon my existing wardrobe capabilities.
That was when my boss mentioned it, that I should “rethink my footwear for work and find something a bit more business like for the office”. Funnily enough I didn’t think that plain black open toed sandals with a low heel would be an issue. But he obviously did, they weren’t dressy enough. I made the mistake of wearing high heels for my interview, which I fell off of getting out of the car and was in agony when I walked the short distance to the office. But having been offered the job at the time I did not want to walk to my car, drive it half a mile to an appointment then drive it back, by the time I had returned not only would the car be driving appallingly, but it would take twice as long for each appointment. Also some of the properties which I had to attend, I was not happy to leave my car anywhere near. The area was not exactly salubrious.

But, I did think that it was a strange thing to mention. Now if I had turned up in a T-shirt and jeans where I was required to wear a suit, I could have understood it. Perhaps it was that the guys in the office had to wear suits and shoes for work, but my shoes were no more offensive than the other girls, although the heels were not as high.
I did explain that I may have broken my foot and normal service would be resumed once it had healed.

But today this got me thinking again, that actually I do have an odd assortment of shoes, in bright colours. I have always had a creative colour scheme when it comes to footwear, but obviously toned it down for the office environment where you are expected to wear business attire. I was rather spoiled for this where I worked previously with a load of creatives and there was no dress code, other than smart casual, so anything went really, except that when I wore read shoes someone complained, he didn’t like the colour. It wasn’t just limited to clothing and footwear though and he was rather out of luck since my car was also red at the time. I may as well have just said, don’t look in my direction then. Oh those were the days…
So here I am reminiscing about such a time and grateful for the moment that my writing from home means that I can wear exactly what I want, when I want. Oh it’s going to be tough when I have to return to a workplace in so many ways. Meanwhile, I will wear blue suede shoes, pink nubuck, red leather, jade trainers, denim mules or my favourite old flip flops or suede fur lined boots on cold days and thoroughly enjoy the freedom that I currently have, on the days when I don’t have to dress for an occasion of course.

Or I shall even continue to be barefoot as I have throughout most of the summer months? I find that there is somehow less strain on the feet, less leg cramp in the night and I am calmer when barefoot around the house and garden.  A bit more grounded and comfortable in my surroundings, even when stressed out. I have not extended this to walking out in public, no further than the garden like this although I know there are many people who are able to do so, but I found this great graphic which reminded me of many of the benefits of being barefoot, it’s a short-lived Summer fancy though, since in the winter it is one of the first of my body parts to feel the cold.

 

Photograph Credit – Facebook David Avocado Wolfe

A Child Substitute

DSC_0334I never thought that when it happened, he would fill so many of the gaps in my life…

These were gaps that I didn’t even know I had, but somehow my partner did. He knew that I wanted so badly to be a mother to something and that I had so much love to give. I would make a good mother he said. After the loss of a child in my younger years, a hysterectomy and many further childless years, we had always said that one day we would get a dog. In my mind, the time wasn’t right at all, there was way too much going on and I was working around 50 hours a week in a stressful job.

So a little over five years ago, we were told that our friends Alaskan Malamutes were expecting puppies and that when they arrived, I would have to go and choose one. He felt that the time was right and when I saw them, I knew that it was.
I visited the puppies whenever I could and although they were all lovely, I thought that I couldn’t make up my mind, so I just kept visiting. One in particular would not leave my side, he was not interested in eating with the others when I was there and when I talked to them all, he listened, paying extra attention. He snuggled in tighter and gave wonderful puppy kisses and when I felt that I really should make a decision despite thinking that I would go for a grey and white, I chose him.

I asked the question you see, “Are you going to be my Kato and am I going to be your Mummy?” He placed a small paw upon my knee, instant ownership and gazed into my eyes. I actually caught the moment on camera too and it remains one of my all time favourites in a sea of photographs spanning his short life, all of which I cherish. But I knew that from that moment, there was no other. I had found my baby and he had found me. He was the best gift that I could ever have had.

The thing about having a living, breathing member of your family as a child substitute…

Is that one day, they are suddenly not there and your little comfortable part of life as you know it is suddenly ripped wide open. Laid bare for people to dissect, they say harmful things at their will and whilst you deal with that on top of your grief, you are just expected to get over it.

If you are part of a family then it is not just your own feelings which are left raw and damaged, with your own life with a huge gaping hole, but also that of your loved ones.
The thing about being parents is that there are two lots of grief to understand and deal with. You must try to understand what goes through another broken mind whilst you both try to fix it and figure out how to heal, being careful not to break each other with a misplaced word or emotion is so tough and we often get it wrong.

You cannot wrap yourself up in your own grief, since you are shutting the other one out, so grief is handled in an entirely different way to how you would normally. This is alien to you and you find it hard to deal with.
New, raw emotions appear and you hope that you are both able to peek out of the wreckage together and rebuild after the tornado has hit.

I think that I am getting better, but I still have not stopped talking to him, looking around before I move the chair, so that I don’t catch him, he was almost always at my side. His remains have come home, it makes it a little bit easier since it feels like he is here with us, although I do not yet often feel his spirit although there have been signs of him.

I have dreams which he is sometimes in, some good, some bad but he is somehow different in them slightly. In the last one I was saying that I want to see my son, who I haven’t seen in ages. I am in a hospital awaiting an operation and I am explaining this to the nurse. I hear him run up the stairs and drop his ball outside the door and I open the door, but he is coming in another door, greeting everyone there first as I say, where is my Kato and he is suddenly there. With my Hero’s welcome, my face and hands buried in his wonderful translucent fur again, being smothered in kisses.
Oh how I wish for that welcome again, but I am so very grateful for those five short years that I was his Mummy, I am sure that they made me a better person than before.

Missed Chances of a Highland Summer

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Should I have applied for the job travelling Scotland in a Visit Scotland campervan?

Missed chances eh? It’s not as bad as it seems, I may have been able to pay the bills at home. Slept in the Scottish countryside and possibly, just possibly taken my furry assistant along for the ride.

It would have meant that my partner would have had to fend for himself until I could get back there and who knows what sort of bother he could have got himself into in the meantime.  We could have stayed up on the hill at weekends and worked myself on the house trying to get things done, but in reality I have not been in  a position to do that for the past few months, which I guess is what held me back in the first place.

Sure, I would have met tonnes of people at events all over the country, seen a lot more of my beloved Scottish countryside in the summer months, the best time of year, braved terrain and nights not quite on my own.

Ahh yes, those missed chances for a different life and summer to the one we have been experiencing.  Is the grass greener? Ask the Coos, (for the uninitiated, those are the highland ones)

Visit Scotland – Thanks I’d love to have done.  I hope that I will again so very soon, for I am missing it more than you know.

And so the Highland Summer was not to be, A Summer far different from everything that I had ever imagined. It began quite well with promise of a brighter future for all of us, with hope and anticipation. The sun was shining on our skin, the weather was good and the garden flourished. Then it was shattered, broken and will remain in our memories as probably the worst we have ever experienced in all our years together.  Our family is smaller, our bodies weary and our hearts heavy.

Our hope that with the onset of Autumn at our doorstep and as the leaves begin to go brown and drop across the gardens and countryside. That it brings Good with it on the winds that have begun to blow, that it sets us on the right path towards Happiness once again and that our luck turns for the better.

The Daily Post – Mistake

The Teddy Parcel

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The Teddy Parcel.

A knock was at the door today, A man was standing there.
He called, “He’s home and here to stay, I’ve brought your Little Bear”.
The most precious teddy parcel, he placed there in our hand.
Have fought to try to explain it, but they don’t really understand.
It is so very important, than we should bring him home.
For he was never happy, when he was left alone.
Wanted him back with his Mummy and his Dad.
Safely with our family, our furry little lad.
I clutched the teddy parcel and held it to my chest.
We cuddled as a family, the one we loved the best.
Put the kettle on and poured our favourite drink,
Brought it with your biscuit and didn’t stop to think.
We gathered up your blanket and put it in the sun,
As we talked some more about you and where you used to run.
Now although we cannot touch you, since you’re resting in the box,
The fact that you’re now with us helps, the pain it often blocks.
As you are in our hearts and always on our mind,
The memories we will cherish and the fur we’ll often find.
We’re watching and just hoping, that when you’re ready and in time
You’ll show you’re thinking of us and then send to us a sign.
So I will look for butterflies and feathers on the breeze,
And look out for you to smile at me and bless me when I sneeze.

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The Daily Post – Longing

Butterflies & Dragonflies

Butterflies and Dragonflies

A butterfly just flew here
I blew it a small kiss,
As it danced around my face,
Since it’s you now that I miss.
Swept upon the air as off it began to race.
Careless for a moment, there for all to see
Up there in the sky and all, yearning to be free.
Resting on the flowers
Bees and butterfly
Drinking in the nectar,
I’m trying not to cry.
Sitting here with you, it’s easy to be cross,
At how it seems unfair as we struggle with our loss.
Am I being selfish, failing just to see,
That all I ever wanted was to have you here with me.
The one who watched over, snuggled nearby as I sleep,
Resting on his cover, is where I often weep.
But I am not the only one, wrapped up in my grief,
Wonder if it’s time to turn over a new leaf.
So as it prances over and around my head,
You are still here with me, never really dead.

It wasn’t a red admiral, it wasn’t black or white.
It danced around my shoulders, just like a bird in flight.
It skipped in and out the flowers, just as you used to do,
Then sat there smiling at the top, to watch and enjoy the view.
And there just minutes later, scented flowers all around,
I saw the dragonfly toward me, suddenly earthbound.
It flew across my shoulder and looked upon my knee
A message there at last, that I would finally see.
It sent me love and kisses, from you as if to say
But before I got to kiss it back, it skipped off again to play.
I know that you’re here with me, as I try to ease the pain
So if you love them, set them free to return to you again.
So stay here with your Mummy,
Even just for a wee while.
So that I can rub your tummy
And cherish again your smile.
Stroke your furry ears
And gaze into your face
Fighting back the tears,
In our special place.

The Daily Post – Ghostd3

 

Patterns & Textures #5 The Notebooks

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Notebook Covers, from my selection…

As I look for inspiration in brightly coloured things around me, a great texture to hold, fabrics which cheer the mood and brighten the eye.  These are just a selection, either in use or waiting, vying for my attention, to be the next best thing, to hold the next best story that I write, or poem.  These are not just a place for the shopping or to do lists. Oh no, not these ones, they are special. These are for snippets, plans, hopes and dreams and excitement that might be on it’s way.