This post is reflective and written a couple of weeks ago.
I finished my counselling this week. My last session just as emotional as many of the others. She asked he if I felt as though counselling has helped me this time around. In some ways it has. It has helped me realise that despite the cause of it all not going away, now I feel better equipped to deal with it. I can now after six months go out into my garden and water the plants when my attacker is out there. I am defiant, putting on a brave face and trying to ignore him but it is exhausting.
I have planned to go to my friends Wedding, a social occasion. Six months ago I would have shied away from it but I have made her present, written a poem and I am going. The day after a hospital procedure even if it’s only for a while.
Somehow I feel as though I am walking around in the aftermath of something as though my body is in shock. The fatigue is immense in the past couple of weeks pain levels have been high. I just want to sleep but that is not happening either.
My counsellor told me that I have to get us out of this situation with our neighbour. Counselling will not help it something else has to change. We are in danger here and it scares her just hearing about it. It must be awful to live like that day in and day out. Once the situation changes we will be able to get over it again.
I feel as though I can speak about things now, having come through counselling and out the other side. Occasionally there is a glimmer of me and that has given me hope again. It’s a small step but a step nevertheless. Again I am grateful for the time and advice that she gave to me to hear me out, when the authorities and other people would not listen.
I do feel as though I have changed again during this process, whether for better or worse remains to be seen. I am less trusting of people when they say they will help and a few people have been noticeably absent. Previously I would be chasing them all up, touching base again, worrying what I might have done to offend or upset. But I haven’t they have just got on with their lives and chosen to not think of me in their process. I saw something about people coming and going at different times. in your life. It struck a chord with me.
I had turned up to a friends house in Scotland with flowers when we returned. She looked pleased to see me and hugged me, full of questions and asked what they were for. A thank you for looking out for the house and a Happy Easter, she looked bowled over. I said that whilst I was around it would be lovely to see her but weeks went by and I didn’t. She didn’t take up my invitation to visit nor did she offer one of her own. I felt saddened by it. I tried to explain it to myself and my partner. But then I realised that some people just decide one day that they don’t want something whether it be a friendship or a lifestyle or situation and so it changes. Maybe she had reached that point but it would have been clearer if she had said something. It hurt I had never realised someone could be offended by a gift of flowers.
Since the counselling finished and there have been other problems from the same source to deal with I am feeling as though weakened again. I need to be strong I have felt profoundly depressed but am still trying to focus on the positives around me, sometimes I have trouble visualising them. I also think that Karma will deal its hand at some point, after all it has to doesn’t it?