Don’t wish for Harm.

Don’t want to feel that it’s a sin,
To speak about the position I’m in.
Have come here under much duress,
Just to avoid more distress.
Never wished to cause a fight,
By opening up to things I write.
Something for the world to see,
It’s not for them, just about me.
Just for once won’t try to think,
Of others, or just turn to drink.
Words can hurt, this I know
But I didn’t place the very first blow!
It’s not a war or argument,
Or anger open aired to vent.
For years I circumnavigate,
Don’t wish for pain, or for hate.
It’s just a part of the healing process,
Don’t want to remember and won’t obsess.
On people where the light is shone,
Memories of old, I want them gone.

Endometriosis – A few things to know.

As we are still in Endometriosis Awareness Month, I thought I would pass on a little experience regarding how this condition or disease might affect you, If you suspect or have been told that you have Endometriosis, here are some of the warning signs I’ve noticed and been made aware of, I thought I should share them with you in case no-one else has.
Firstly, Endometriosis affects 1 in 10 women, so you are never alone.

That if you have very heavy and painful periods with abdominal pain during the rest of the month you may have this condition.

It is not currently a recognised disability.

It is an invisible illness, a lot of the time people will accuse you of faking.

People will not understand, unless they have ever been affected by it either themselves or with a loved one.

It can affect your fertility. But, some are lucky to be able to bear children.

It can be a hereditary condition, but it can also skip generations.

You will often feel as though your medical team are not listening, some are just blissfully unaware.

Your diet will often be affected by this condition try eliminating foods and re-introduction to see what suits you and what does not.

You may develop IBS, this could be down to diet, medications or even just a progression of the disease.

Your weight and/or size may fluctuate. Be prepared to wear larger, more comfortable clothes at times when you need to.

Sometimes you will bloat with wind and it is excruciating. – Peppermint is your friend!
Having a child will not cure it, neither will a full or partial Hysterectomy. There is actually no cure.

You will be prepared to try almost anything to help your symptoms.

Until you are diagnosed, you may at times suspect your sanity.

It can take 7 years to diagnose Endometriosis, but sometimes even longer, it took 15 for me.
You will need people around you to help you, when your illness is bad. Accept their help.

Educate your friends, family and employer to this condition. Although it might affect your life to different degrees if they are aware, then you have a chance that they could be more understanding.

If your GP or Gynaecologist refuses to assist with diagnosis, then get that second, or third opinion. Referral to a specialist for this condition is key. General Gynaecologists often do not know about Endometriosis.

It affects people in different ways, but it is a debilitating condition, so if you have to take to your bed, just do it. Make yourself warm and comfortable.

Your symptoms are aggravated by stress. Try to find a quiet place to be calm and rest. – I know, this is often far easier said than done.

Although it is often related to your menstruation. Adhesions can attach themselves to other organs, this can cause you pain and other health issues.

After a Hysterectomy there may be no sign of the disease and you could be pain free. But your pain may also return and you may suffer previous symptoms again.

Endometriosis can also attach itself to the bladder or bowel.

You will know your body and it’s patterns, If any of your symptoms change or worsen, don’t be afraid to call your Doctor.

Try and raise awareness of this condition, there are many women out there who have no idea that what they are going through, is not a normal sign of growing up and are just trying to cope.

There are many support groups, Join one! They are filled with people just like you who are fighting the same battle as well as their own. You will gain, advice, make friends, gather information about the disease and how to fight it.

My Big Black Dog

My Big Black Dog.

Some Days you’re up and at Night you are down
It’s 3am and you’re awake with a frown.
Did I see that sight, What was that sound?
When a big black dog follows you around.
In waking moments, you think you’ll find,
But a sinking feeling in the back of your mind.

Just as you smile, it seems without a care,
You’ll suddenly find him waiting there.
Lurking, peering from the darkness,
Hoping to steal your chance of happiness.
Sometimes you can keep him at bay,
But he follows you around, every day!
When you are able to shut him out,
Your subconscious begins to scream and shout.
Hope that just once, for you he’d let
That reminder of something, you’ve tried to forget.
The big black dog is on your shoulder,
Like the wolf you feed as you get older.
If you’re stubborn with a will to survive,
Fight the black dog to keep you alive.

At bright times when you see the sun,
A pat on the back for how far you’ve come.
Remind myself of the beauty in me,
Open your eyes, one day you’ll see.
That a big black dog, quite often you’ll find,
Is much more scary in your mind.
There to keep you, the straight and narrow,
Can really be an annoying fellow.
Your deepest, darkest fears come to light,
As over the years, you continue your fight.
Sometimes you feel so terribly sad.
Loved ones and Friends may think you’ve gone mad.
Yesterday you seemed so jolly,
Today you are just melancholy.
In your own space at home you’ll stay,
You’ll go out on another day.
They say water’s not thicker than blood.
Unexpected kindness, your eyes will flood.

Release your emotions and pent up anger,
the experience will make you stronger
Open up and then you’ll know,
If you can ever let it go.
Someone to talk to, to hold your hand
As you try to understand
How he ever managed to get into your life
Causing all the stress and strife.
Wonder if it will ever cease,
If one day you’ll regain peace.
It’s painful looking though an abyss,
Hopeful life will return to bliss.
But over time, more thoughts he’ll steal
As you begin to recover and heal.
One day your brain will clear the fog,
As you wave Goodbye to that Big Black Dog.

International Women’s Day.

Since it is International Women’s Day, I thought I would head back to my childhood for this, little did I realise as I wrote it, the effect that it would have on my day and my loved one.  The journey into womanhood is not always easy, there are scars you bring with you and I am trying to heal as I go. In two minds as to whether this should be posted, at his suggestion, today is the day! I am thankful that he is alongside me and continues to offer support even when it is unexpected.

As We Grow.

For an afternoon, we get together.
Seems as though it’s been forever
It’s not often that you go out to eat
To sit and talk, a proper meet.

It gets me thinking of younger years
And suddenly I’m choking tears.
Growing up when times were fraught,
Don’t seek to blame, not always your fault.
To push and push and test and test
You only felt you were doing your best.
Taken to church on every Sunday
Ridiculed yet again on Monday

During the week off to school,
Often made to look like a fool.
When sometimes to the house they came,
I would hide myself in shame.
Of what had passed when out to play,
Just wanted to hide myself away.
Did I do wrong? Was I meant,
To hold in all of this torment.
I may have brought it upon myself
A thought when later it affects your health.

Time has passed and strength has grown
Since venturing out all on my own.
They say the times of sand have shifted
Sometimes I see the dark clouds lifted
And sadness takes such time to feel
The memory blurred enough to heal.

Should not be where your thoughts lay
What happened when you went away?
Life’s so different should you return,
But if you stay here you’ll have to learn.
Made to feel bad for a mistake
As your life you try to remake.
It’s strange that it comes flooding back
You realise there’s something you lack.

You didn’t know him well, or understand,
How to make his point, he’d raise his hand.
Wished sometimes for a slap in the face
Instead to put you back in your place.
But without this life, as they say
You wouldn’t be the same person today.
But down where these memories reside
Is where it still hurts deep inside.

A chance for a coffee, for a chat,
Not time to talk about all that.
Decided no longer to be a slave,
But as innocent, don’t try to behave.
For all those things in time gone by
To the back of your mind you must try
For it is now time to move on
Even you can’t undo the wrong.
Don’t dwell upon the past they say
It’s in the past, it’s gone away.

We don’t understand we have to forgive
Once we leave home, our lives to live.
As it’s been a long time since,
We now celebrate our difference.
Although in some ways we are alike.
I can’t get up or sing on a ‘mike‘.
But as enthusiasm starts to show,
For all the things that we should know.

Hope that forgiveness is to me
All that it’s cracked up to be,
I’m not as though heaven sent,
But glad we are so different.

 

In the Garden

DSC_0377

In the garden.

 

In the garden, the sun on my skin.

Wait for the transformation to begin.

Always have to pull out the weeds,

Now it’s time to plant some seeds.

Time to get my hands in all the earth,

The starlings sit sharing their mirth.

What wonders will our eyes befall?

After we have done it all.

Grass to cut, New pots to fill,

Has it taken, won’t know until

New growth and leaves appear,

Signal the start of each new year.

 

Buds and tendrils begin to grow,

Be careful with the water flow.

Not too little and not to much,

Get it right and as such.

Your garden it will start to flourish,

With blooms aplenty that you’ll cherish.

When it’s done a wonderful thing,

Here to enjoy in Summer and Spring.

The Atmosphere of the Ballet

The other day I spent a wonderful afternoon watching the Ballet with some of my family.  I must admit that my enjoyment of it was made even better, by an elderly lady who sat alongside us with her daughter.  She made me smile as she hummed along to all the music and later commented after a particularly lengthy dance with just two of the dancers, that “they were nice, now on to the next ones” followed by “Oh dear, they are back again“ when they returned to the stage for the next dance.  She had the same sort of deadpan way with words as my dear friend and late Mother in Law. A wonderful Lady who was with me in spirit on the first Mothering Sunday we have spent without her.  But it made me feel close to her for a moment and relive some of my memories of her, albeit vicariously.

Atmosphere of the Ballet

The costumes, the backdrops, the music starts

Senses are heightened it plays on the heart.

The Orchestra seated, they play in time.

Dancers jostle to form the line.

The stages prepared and subtly lit

Ushered into our row, we sit.

To be enraptured and enthralled

Until the interval is called.

A lovesick daughter, or a Faerie Queen.

It doesn’t matter if it’s one you’ve seen.

My favourite ones are nymphs and faerie,

That Evil one is far to scary!

Discussing the storyline once more

As the actors assemble at the door.

To await the time they’re at their leisure

The performance given for your pleasure.

 

 

 

Lifted a Cloud

clouds

There’s happiness in my house today,
Finally chased the darkness away
A simple thing a cloud has lifted
Not sure but feel that I’ve been gifted
And blessed with another chance to see
Again a once hidden part of me.
Don a smile, a dance or a song
Hoping the feeling will last for long
Laughter is a joyful sound
Looking a while, now been found.
Was away for a time, something amiss,
Wanted to tell you of this Bliss.